Guardian angels God will send thee

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night.

My mother once sang that song to me as a lullaby when I was a wee tad.   Now I sit here listening to it over and over again (that playlist thing, see below). It soothes me, comforts me, deep within my spirit. I am almost 50 years old and yet my mother's lullabies still persist as a comfort.

Unlike many people, I do not have a comfort food (well maybe Thai food, but I learned that as an adult). I have comfort music. I am the savage beast and music that balm which soothes me. Debbie knew this about me. She used it when I was in foul moods. A little Mozart and I become serenity. She knew one other thing about me too, something that no other person has ever known. Touch me, tenderly, gently, no matter how angry I am, I calm down instantly.  She knew what it took to diffuse my violent rages. 

I miss Debbie. I miss the life we had together. It's been 14 years since that fucking disease took her and 7 years since she died. I still grieve. The tears still flow. See what a sentimental fuck I am Ky? I miss her gentle touch, the way she loved me so passionately. Our first grandchild is coming and my joy is bittersweet. She so wanted grandchildren. We used to talk about the day we had grandchildren to spoil together. Now, only I get to spoil them. I will not be alone, she will be there in spirit.

Still, it does not console my aching heart. Her greatest joy, she will never know. I weep through this smile. As long as I have breath, I am a living memorial to all you were and are.. until I am ashes.

When I am old, I shall be the anarchist I meant to be in my youth. When I am old, I shall laugh and love and weep openly with no shame. When I am old I will look back at my life with a fullness I could not have imagined in my youth.