Sue and K are off in Memphis winning trophies and stuff at a karate tournament. I on the other hand stayed home.

So Alec Boi, her kids and little ole me went to Mike and Kelley's house in Bella Vista today to hang and stuff. Somewhere along the way Mike and I decided it was necessary to go off on a beer run. For those of you who do not or have never lived in NWA, know that a beer run entails a trip to Missouri if you live in northern Benton County. Luckily Mike and Kelley's house is really close to MO, so it was a short jaunt.

I had my heart set on an ice cold 6 pack of Corona with lime. As I was busy pulling my 6 pack from the cooler, I spied the Shiner Bock there two cooler doors away, looking all forlorn and in need of company. My heart waxed nostalgic as I spied the lonely SB. It harkened my memory back to my Audey boy and the little Shiner Bock caps he would leave laying all over the kitchen table way back when. It almost made me wish I could still drink Sutter Home's Chenin Blanc http://www.sutterhome.com/html/wine/index.html, a lasting memory of the Good Ky and her Champagne Cheers.

And so I put the Corona back and grabbed a 6 pack of Shiner Bock in memory of my handsome boy Audey and his lovely Mistress Ky. I drank 3 of them. I got a little buzz going on there for a while. Proof that I am a light weight, but we all knew that.

I left the remaining 3 beers at Mike and Kelley's knowing that Mike would appreciate them and do them justice. Good man that Mike.

To the good times and fond memories, cheers!

Ciao.

Today was good. Alec and I had a lot of fun today together. We knocked around, had fun like boys and had water fights all day long. I think our friendship survived the fight. I am not so hurt and I guess she is not as angry.

At any rate, it was a fun day together.

I also had a good work out at the dojo. It's amazing how much better I feel after I have had a good sweaty lesson. Makes me feel a million times better.

So today was good.

Good eh?

Ciao.

Doing laundry before bed. How much more fun can life get?

Intensely emotional day for me. I can tell you this, no matter what I do or say, I am always going to be the loser should I choose to participate in fights. Why you might ask? Because I tend to just let things go when things get crazy in the course of human interaction. I refuse to fight to put it lightly. I used to fight and sometimes, if I feel something is worth the effort, I might actually put up a minor squabble. But by and large, I tend to turn my back on "shit" when it's hitting the fan and just walk away.

You could technically say that walking away is not really losing a fight. This is true, it's technically not losing. But then again, when you are dealing with a situation or person who thinks they are fighting you, the energy they are attempting to shove in your direction can feel like you fought them anyway.

And if you are feeling particularly weak like I am at the moment, that energy sucks as you attempt to return it back to the sender.

I am tired and shall momentarily take my bath and am going to bed now. Too tired to do anything but release the overwhelming emotions of today and let rest recuperate the whole of my being.

Ciao.

I feel sooooo much better physically tonight than I have in quite sometime. Thanks to the correct drugs administered by an actual physician who went to medical school and everything.

I tested for a series of karate things last week with Sensie Jack. I had to go back and learn the Japanese words to the English names for things that I already knew. Apparently when Alec and I practiced last weekend, we only practiced me learning the English version and how to do the moves and not how to pronounce the Japanese to those moves and things. So I had to practice my ass off all weekend to test again Monday on these things.

I practiced with the help of Sue, Alec and Curtis. I tested Monday (yesterday) and actually passed with flying colors. So today I actually got my stripes. Two more stripes and I can test for orange. The only real problem is that I do not know a damn thing involved in getting the other two stripes. I looked at the requirements for those stripes and I was like "holy shit" I don't know this shit at all. And here Sensie Jack was saying I could test for orange next month. I sure as hell don't feel that way. I am going to have to put a ton more effort in this if I want to see that orange belt by June first.

Sort of like I have to put a ton more effort in this if I want to see that 30 pounds off this body by June 1st too. This ten pounds I have been trying to lose this month has been a bitch. I go down 5 pounds and am back up 4 pounds in a few days. The only good part is that at least one pound stays off. But this is sure slow going. What that tells me is that 4 pounds is always just water. I need to stay away from Chinese food. Too much sodium and probably more carbs hiding in there than I should be ingesting.

Ok, so now you know where my body is at, how about my head and heart? Head is ok, still not squarely on, but functioning well enough to get me by. The heart is trying to figure life out still. I was pretty sure I had lost my best friend last week. That was a pain in deed. Hurt like a muther fucker.

So now there you have it, my heart is hurting. My best friend is probably no longer going to be my best friend. I am not sure how we are going to get over this hump in the relationship. She is pissed and I am hurt. That doesn't make for good communication. Sonow I am just going to have to let it all go and give it up to the universe and let whatever happens happen. That is scary and pains me deeply. I have come to rely on her friendship more than I am willing to admit. Now I must go back to relying on myself as my comfort and sole support emotionally. At least that is what appears is going to be the case. If I have to say good bye to you Alec my boy, it will kill me. I love you son, more than I care to admit.

I give it up and hand it over to the universe. I have no control over any of this and I must be willing to lose that which I hold so dear in my heart and just let it all go.

And so it goes.....

I am done.

Ciao.

I ended up going to the hospital Friday night. I couldn't breathe and had had very little sleep for the several days preceeding that visit from coughing all night long. Appartently I have a bad case of bronchitus. I am going to live, despite how I feel.

I had to go buy some more clothes tonight. I am down to nothing to wear anymore. I guess I was under the impression that I had more clothing in these smaller sizes laying around. It seems that my belief that I had things under size 42 was coming from a time period when I still lived in LA and was not dating Cheryl Sorrells. I believe I was a 36/38 when I first started dating her.

At any rate, I continue to decline in poundage as the days creep by. My immediate goal is to have lost 30 more pounds by June 1st. I just may get there after all.

Ok, the cough meds are kicking in and I am getting mighty sleepy. I am done.

Ciao.

I honestly do not want to write today. But I am making myself do it anyway.

I had a weird day out there in the real world trying not to smoke and trying to actually accomplish something monetarily. I kind of got weirded out there for a while... literally was losing my grasp on reality for a short bit. Thankfully Alec was on the ball, he pulled me back time and time again to reality.

So I bought the most disgusting brand of cigarettes I could find just a little bit ago. So far I have watched 3 of them burn away and boy howdy they are enough to make a hard core smoker quit. I am sucking down Nicotrol Inhaler (even as we speak). That seems to take the urges away for me.  I think I need to figure out how much of this shit I need to hit on at any given moment to see what is being effective and what is not.

Alec praised me a lot today. Amazing, praise works well with me. Keep up the praising thing boy, it works.

Ok, I am dead tired now. I am off to bed...

Ciao baby...

I have been extremely busy lately. Too much work, too much of everything.

I am kind of sick right now, but I think I am getting better. A little anyway. I am trying anyway.

Today was a pretty good day despite the sickness. The weather was as beautiful of a spring day as you could ever ask for. It was the kind of weather that people in LA can't appreciate. Not having to live through a nasty winter, you never quite appreciate the beauty of spring when it decends upon you in full color. Today was glorious. I would much rather have been off having a lovely picnic somewhere than working.

I am trying to learn a lesson right now about letting go. Not because I want to let go of anything, but because I need to let the outcome of things in my life go and let the Universe do what it does best for you. My heart never wants to let go of things it thinks it must have to live. But my head is talking right now and it says that you must let go as you have no real power over the out come of things, people or situations anyway.

Amazingly in the letting go process that I have been attempting, I find a sense of peace like I have not known before whilst in the middle of a quandry in life.

Letting go of the outcome. Trying to not manipulate things. Trying to just let something higher and more powerful than I actually do it's thang and know in my heart that only that which is the ultimate best and good for everyone will be the outcome.

I want you to know that that is mighty hard, trusting like that. Letting it all go like that. Fucking difficult indeed. Letting go and knowing that the highest good will be the outcome in the end. Wrapping your head around that is not easy one little bit. Especially when it involves your very core heart. Not an easy task.

That is all I need to write tonight. I am done and off to attempt to sleep.

 

Ciao baby.