I awakened to Jim Croce singing in my head this morning.

Here's the words:

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
See, the number on the matchbook is old and faded.
She's living in L.A. with my best old ex-friend Ray,
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
Well, I can't read the number that you just gave me.
There's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time
I think about a love that I thought would save me.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well let's forget about this call --
There's no one there I really wanted to talk to.
Thank you for your time, ah, you've been so much more than kind.
And you can keep the dime.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

 

I must have been dreaming I was back in 1973 or something. That's not even my favorite Jim Croce song. Time in a Bottle is my favorite Croce song. I wouldn't have minded Time in a Bottle being stuck in my head upon wakening this morning, although I must admit that it hasn't made me cry since I was like 19 or so. Operator never made me cry, not even once. Of course at the time I had nothing to relate to the experience the lyric writer is conveying in that song. Now I sort of do, but my reaction to the situation would be very different than the song writer's was.

I betrayed a friend with their girlfriend once. Long ago, in L.A., when I was in my mid 20's. My friend Tay and her girlfriend Donna were breaking up at the time. Her girlfriend also use to be my room mate before they got together. In fact, I never would have known Tay had it not been for Donna starting to date her. We became friends while they were together. Donna moved back in with me after they broke up, but the sexual stuff had started before she and Tay were completely broken up.

The funny thing about my ex room mate Donna was, I had a huge crush on her when I first met her several years earlier. As it turned out, she was sort of dating someone I vaguely knew back then. I didn't know she was sort of dating someone else when I asked her out back then. She declined my date offer, but not because of Ophie. She just wasn't interested in me. I guess back then I wasn't butch enough for her. I was too androgynous I guess. It was that long hair. But then, when she did finally decide that she was interested in me three years and 2 1/2 girlfriends later, I still had that long hair.

As with all my relationships, sexual or otherwise, it was her who went after me. I am far too shy and far too insecure and non-aggressive to go after someone. Glen and I were talking about that yesterday. Neither one of us is capable of being the aggressor when we find someone attractive. I have upped him by an extra step in that, having no hormones, I don't get interested that way in people at all. They really do have to work me to get me. He at least still has a very healthy sex drive and that makes having a sexual relationship/emotional with someone so much easier.

But back to Tay and Donna, I lied to Tay about a sexual encounter between myself, Donna and another person. I heard Tay come home unexpectedly whilst we three were in Donna's bed frolicking. I jumped out of bed, clothed myself and flew into the room Tay had been sleeping in for the last several weeks as she and Donna's relationship deteriorated. When she came in to where I was fake sleeping, I pretended to not know anything about what was going on in the other bedroom. I pretended to still be drunk and unaware of my surroundings. Shortly after that whole nightmare Donna moved in with me. Just for the record, Donna and I were lovers for about 5 minutes and then that was over.

It took me the better part of a year to tell Tay the truth. I felt bad for lying. Lying is and was not something I am fond of doing. Too hard to keep your stories straight, not to mention the bad karma you are building up in your attempts to deceive others. I was the one who brought the whole deceiving thing up to Tay. Mainly because she was attempting to bad mouth the third person who had been there that night. I could have kept the whole thing a secret forever, but I felt bad that our third "Fun Seeker" was getting the whole rap for something I was equally as guilty of being a very active participant in.

The Fun Seekers, by the way, was the name we gave ourselves, Donna, me and this third person. We were the Fun Seekers because, we sought fun. We would walk into a bar and announce that we "were the Fun Seekers, we seek fun". We were very wasted on acid and god knows what else when we came up with that moniker for ourselves. It was a joke of course. A corny joke that we found hilarious, especially on hallucinogens. It was so corny that it was hysterical to us.

I never asked Tay to forgive me for lying to her, nor for having a sexual liaison with Donna prior to them actually break up all the way. I was just honest with her and told her I was deeply sorry for being an active participant in that whole deception thing. I told her I never meant to betray her, it just kind of happened and that I was very sorry if I had caused her any undue pain in what was otherwise a very painful episode in her life. Basically what I did was take responsibility for my actions and made amends the best I knew how.

I am not proud nor in denial of any shitty thing I ever did to anyone else. I am also not ashamed of the things I did anymore either. Mainly because I learned how to forgive myself for the things I did. Shame is good for one thing and one thing only, it helps know that what you have done is wrong. It helps you to change and no longer do the things you did to hurt yourself or others. Other than that, it's wasted emotion if you have changed and no longer behave that way anymore. I also made amends to people whenever possible too. Sometimes it was impossible to make amends to others, mainly because I had no way to find them to make those amends. The thing about making amends is, you have to mean it, from the bottom of your heart. You repent for your actions that caused you and others suffering. I did that and still do when ever it's possible and I am emotionally capable and ready to do so.

I was just thinking that I have some gray areas in my life that I may or may not be totally honest about my involvement in that may or may not have hurt others. Like I can think of at least one situation that is extremely gray in my book that may or may not have hurt someone. And no, it has nothing to do with my ex lover/best friend/former business partner. Despite what she has told herself, there are no gray areas with what transpired between her, myself and a host of others. Ninety nine percent of that story is black and white. But she is another story for some distant tale at another time and place. The only thing I have to apologize to her for is my reactions to her betrayals and lies. I obviously am not ready to do that apology as I am not ready to finish letting go all the pain I suffered at her hands. I am however doing much better at getting there even as we speak.

Luckily for me, she pulled what we call in Twelve Step Program a "Geographic". Her's is mainly emotional and mental in that she did not move physically, she simply doesn't hang out with, or around all the people she knows know exactly what she did to me and all the others in this tale she created. She only hangs around the extremely few (like all 2 of them) people she has left in her life that still believe her lies. Still, it makes it easier for me with her not being around anymore. Her being around is painful at best. It's hard to look someone in the eye who not only lied their ass off about you, but continues to lie about you with every opportunity.

Maybe someday I will be able to forgive and forget, I am just not there yet. Working on it though. Just keep her out of my life and all will be well as I continue to attempt to heal from her actions. I'll get there one day and I feel it getting closer and closer with each day. When I can look her in the eye and feel nothing, not even contempt, I'll know I am there, that I have forgiven her and moved on forever.

As for my own gray areas, I am not sure how I would approach them in the first place. There are rather complex issues with all the parties involved, myself included. So I guess I will continue to let sleeping dogs lie until the time, if ever, comes along for me to figure out whether amends need to be made. Since I don't exactly feel fabulous about my actions, I am thinking I am right in that amends are going to have to be made eventually whether the parties involved feel the necessity for it or or not. I am just not going to do it if it means hurting anyone unnecessarily.

So why was Jim Croce in my head this morning? Why won't he get out of it? Am I channeling him or something? That was a bad joke, insert your laughter here.

Ok, I guess I am done here. Thank you Jim for channeling yourself and making me sing this song in my head all day long.

Ciao for now all.....

I let someone walk all over me this week and I let what they did make me feel bad. It happened so fast I barely had time to comprehend what was/had happened. I would like to be able to say that I only let strangers do "hit and runs" on me, but that is not true. I let friends and family pull the same shit too.

People who don't know me and base their view of me on my looks and surface words and actions tend to view me as some tough hard ass. Like I am a big mountain of stone that could and would crush them if I got mad enough. People who really know me know I am anything but that. People who really know me know I am a mountain of jelly, easily manipulated and pushed around. I seldom stand up for myself. Generally, I tend to just walk away from a conflict whenever possible. In fact, I will go out of my way to make it possible so that I do not have to face a confrontation.

I can't even remember a time when I directly confronted someone for doing me wrong or whatever right when it happened. This past January instead of facing my abuser, I wrote them an email telling them to leave me alone and get out of my life. That's as close to me confronting someone as I have gotten in a long while. Although I must say, I did tell someone not that long ago that I was not ok with what they had done to me, but it took me 8 months to do it. And when I told them that I was not ok with their actions, it was actually in response to them having asked me 8 months earlier if I was ok with what they had done. When they initially asked me if I was ok with their actions, I was so flabbergasted that they had the balls to ask me such a question, I couldn't respond. I had no words I was so shocked they could ask if them fucking me over had been ok. Eight months later, I told them that "No, I was not and am not ok with what you have done". And that was as good as it got for me.

Frankly I would never have said even that to them except that I was being confronted with them attacking me. So I turned the tables and let them know that they had no right to be saying anything to me or anyone else considering the reprehensible things they had done to me and others. That pretty much changed the whole tune of that conversation. Hard to continue to attack someone you fucked over so bad.

But back to earlier this week, I let this guy just waltz in and walk all over me in less than 45 seconds, leaving his assistant to make excuses for his behavior. After this last year and me feeling pretty good that I was able to tell someone (despite the fact it was in an email and not up close and personal) to stay out of my life until they got the help they needed, made me feel stronger as a person for ridding myself of an emotionally abusive and dangerous person from my life. I felt I was taking care of me by doing that, and I was actually. So when this guy did that to me I was in total shock. Blown away actually. I was like "What the fuck just happened?"

I have been contemplating what I should do about the whole thing. His behavior cost me money I did not have to spare. For the less than one minute I had with this person, I tried to explain that his behavior was costing me money I did not have to spare. I had gone to him for help, to get answers so that I could arrange what I needed to arrange with what I am attempting to do for me in my life right now. His behavior and my inability to respond quickly to his abusiveness left me pretty much screwed and having to regroup my thinking about my monetary and time constraints involved in these plans I have been trying to formulate.

I don't know whether to be pissed or just let it go and try to figure out another way to deal with what I am trying to accomplish or what. So now I am sitting here contemplating what I need to do about this whole thing. Do I go back to him and let him have it with both barrels or just let it go and let him go on playing the prima donna I am sure he is used to playing. I am pissed and I don't want to be pissed. I want him to stop believing that he has a right to abuse people. I know I am not the first and I know I will not be the last in his life to be abused by his belief that he is God.

I have this window of opportunity to deal with what I want to accomplish. He shut that window, more like slammed it on my fingers with his behavior. I never got the information I needed from him to make whatever plans I need to make. I don't even know if what I want to do is possible given my monetary and time constraints. It might just be a pipe dream that I cannot take the time off to accomplish right now. I still do not have the information I need to make my decisions and make whatever preparations I need to make. Now I am fucked and my window is locked at the moment.

Going back and telling him he is an asshole is pointless. He wouldn't learn a damn thing from me telling him he screwed me over. Anymore than the person I told to stay out of my life has changed any or gotten the help they need to heal from their abusive behavior toward others (they have however, thankfully pretty much left me alone, kinda sorta). And I am not so sure telling him he is an asshole would make me feel any better anyway. It would just be me attempting to slap him back for slapping me.

Back to square one in so many ways for me this week. Regroup, figure out where to go from here with my dream. I just know I want to be done with abusive people in my life forever. And I want to go on with life the way I want it to be, not the way others attempt to dictate it to me.

One step forward, two steps back... I'll get there despite the obstacles. I really will. I am relentless in my pursuit of a dream. I will get there one way or another.

Ciao for now.

I don't have much time here, I have to be at a job in 20 minutes. But I want to put something down so that I remember the thought before it goes bye bye from my conscious mind.

I have been trying to go deeper the last few weeks. Deeper and futher in to myself to find what I feel is the final healings that need to take place in me before the next big step in my evolution. I am trying to remove whatever blocks there are in my conscious mind to achieve this healing.

It's not that I think I have some special purpose left to achieve in this life time. It's more like I feel there are still a few key bits on information that I need to become consciously aware of in order for me to move forward in where I am meant to go/learn in this life time.

I feel like I am looking over a precipe and all that I need to know and fully intergrate into my understanding is down there. Metaphors do not come easily to me under the stress of time constraints. But what I need to intergrate is right there... see? look right there, it's right there and I need to reach further in and I will grasp the knowledge I need to move on to the next step. What I need to grasp is within my reach if I can learn a few simple methods to reach them. Like learning to use a ratchet to remove a bolt, simple, yet once in a while you may need the advice of someone who has used a ratchet before to teach you how to use it properly.

Although I am a thousand times better than I was when I was young, I still find myself reacting in the same ways internally as I did when I was young. Anger is one of the reactions I do not want to have in a stressful or painful situation. What I want is to learn to always react with love to anything thrown at me. It goes even further and deeper than that, I am merely scratching the surface at the moment... time constraints, bullshit of life interfering with my real goals,  desires, dreams. I suppose I could give up my earthly life as I know it now, sell all I own and move to an ashram in India. There I can contemplate my navel for eternity. I think I have probably already done something very similar in many lifetimes, as a monk, nun, priest whatever.

So the ashram is out... I just have to learn how to achieve my goals of spiritual moving forward within the context of what I have built here and now in this lifetime. Despite real life constantly getting in the way of moving forward.

I'll get it, eventually. Looking forward to further installments in this never ending saga.

Ciao

I had a hard day today. After on;y 4 hours of sleep last night, I got up at 4am and drove 10 hours back and forth to Little Rock for what frustratingly appears to be no reason and then came home, relaxed a bit and went to bed. I just awakened right now from a dream that disturbed me a bit. That is why I am up writing this right now. I want to try to remember the details.

I was in a bunch of old houses or tenement slums from around the turn of the 20th century. It was winter and it was very bleak outside. It was sooty and black everywhere. I was wearing a black cloak or long jacket. It could have been any big, dirty European or American city around the turn of the 20th century. It was very dark and dank in these slums as I walked through them. There didn't seem to be many people around as I toured these places. Finally I came to a place that apparently was my house. Inside I found Sue, but she did not look like Sue as I know her today. She began to follow me as I went deeper into "our" house. Our house was just as dark and dank as all the other houses around us. I went into a larger "parlor" like room that appeared to have a heat source, like a small potbellied like stove device. It was radiating heat. There was a slightly familiar figure laying on the floor near this stove sort of resting, but not asleep. He was laying on the wood floor, no pallet or bed or mattress or anything. There didn't appear to be any other furniture in the room. Apparently we were poor. Either that or very spartan.

When we came in the room, he got up off the floor and I thought I knew him well enough. It did not seem weird that he was there, it was as if he was as welcome there as Sue or I was. It felt like he was a relative of ours or something. When he finally came into the light of the "fire" from the stove, I could see that it was Chris Hook. Initially he did not look like the Chris Hook I know today. He was larger and much hairier than the Chris Hook I know. But it was him nonetheless. Slowly he began to look more like the Chris Hook I know today. I was actually very happy to see him and we embraced happily. Somehow he was related to me, how he was related I did not bother to figure out.

He then started going off about his sister, but he didn't call her by the name she has now. He didn't call her by any name, not even sister. He just called her "her", yet I knew exactly who he was talkng about immediately. I knew that somehow we were all related to each other, but in what ways I do not know. I knew exactly what she had done to him. In fact, I suspected that that was why he had come calling at my home. He wanted to discuss "her" with me.

He wasn't so much angry with her as he was seriously disturbed with her behavior. He wanted to know how she could do such a thing to him as she had done. He wasn't even grieving necessarily, although you could tell he had been deeply wounded by what she had done to him. I told him that he was not the only one, there were many folk out there that she had done just as much to as she had done to him, myself included. I think I was telling him that there was something wrong with her that need to be healed or she wouldn't go around hurting people the way she did.

He seemed to understand all that and with quiet resignation settled back down on the floor. I told him he was welcome here and could stay as long as he wished. I woke up from the dream then.

I have been attempting to do past life regressions the last few weeks. I have been working on it in earnest in the last few days. I have also been trying to figure out how to forgive his sister for all she has done to me in the last few years. I have told myself repeatedly that she was sent into my life to learn the lesson of forgiveness.

So tonight, before I fell asleep, I spent some time asking my guides if I would learn the lesson of forgiveness if I could get to the root source of the cause of my inability to forgive. They said no. So I asked a question about my own healing from whatever happened whenever at any point in time and my learning whatever lesson from the relationship(s) with "her" would come to me if I managed to get to the root cause of it all. The answer again was no. THen I asked if there was a root source at all in any past life or in this life time that held the key to it being so difficult for me to forgive people their transgressions against me. The answer again was no. I was very confused.

I then layed down and did a little meditation to relax me and put the suggestion into my subconscious that I would have a regression while I slept that would answer my question for me as to what all this suffering was all about. ThenI dreamed that dream. I awakened about an hour after I had fallen asleep.

When I awoke, I did not remember the dream immediately. What was being impressed upon me was that none of all that has transpired between me and "her" was my lesson. It was her lesson, not mine, nor anyone elses. So I asked my guides again, this time if all that had transpired between "she" and I had been her lesson. The answer was yes. Suddenly my dream about Chris came back and I thought it odd that I would have a a dream about him in a place that was home but was not home as I know it now. And then I figured it out. I got my answer and my regression. All in a very short period of time.

I just had to put all that down before I forget it all. It's her lesson, not ours. Not any of us who she has wounded had a lesson to learn from the woundings she gave us all. It really is one of those times when it really is all about someone else. It's all about her. Now maybe, as I continue to walk away from the memories and the feelings of betrayal, I can do so knowing that I, as everyone else in her life is/was merely an instrument for her lesson. Somehow that's palatable to me. I can deal with that. And somehow, it makes it easier to let it all go and walk away feeling ok about myself now.

 

Mom called the other night. Apparently my cousin Suzie is dying of breast cancer. The doctors give her no hope. Both breasts according to Mom.

Suzie is a little younger than I am. By a few months anyway. Suzie kind of got to know me back in the early 80's when she latched herself on to me at Grandpa's funeral. I didn't get why she thought I was so cool. I figured it was because I was from LA and she was star struck by that. It took a few more years and a couple more meetings with her to figure it out. She had turned her back on our family's religious beliefs and somehow she had got it in her head that I had too.

She had become a Buddist and I had become a lesbian, I guess that made us non-fundamentalist soul sisters in her eyes. She was born and raised in Houston, TX to my mother's ultra religious family. I luckily found myself raised in California which gave me more choices to get away from that right wing bullshit. I managed to get away from all that crap fairly young. It's easy in LA, there are lots of opportunities to get away from shit there. She was stuck in the middle of the Bible belt. For me it was considerably easier to walk away from the lies of my mother's religion and find my own self. For her the road was harder. Much harder.  

The whole damn family lived in Houston. She was surrounded by them all, constantly being harassed by them and their religion. For me it was telling Mom to buzz off and going my own way in life. Suzie had a lot more work to do to walk away from all that and become who she wanted to become. She had to face the whole family's condemnation every time there was a family function. I never had that problem.

So if you think about it, Suzie was way braver than I ever was. And she clung to me because, in her eyes, I was a maverick just like her.

Now my soul mate cousin is moving on. I am feeling very sad about all that. She'll go on, move into a different plane for a while and then probably come back eventually and be someone else somewhere else in time.

I'll be thinking about this hard for the next few days I am sure.... my heart is heavy now.

Ciao

I am going to speculate that most people do not believe much in intuition or let's call it the ability to instinctively know what other people are thinking and feeling. I have been blessed with this curse since I can remember. It has gotten so bad at times (especially in large crowds and such) that I have to leave situations to get away from other people's thoughts and feelings. In simpler, more intimate situations, I have had to learn to literally shut off this part of myself in order to not have to feel other people's feelings or hear their thoughts in my head. In fact, I run from them because of my desire to not know what people are thinking and feeling. I sincerely do not want to know.

Why it sucks, especially in more intimate relationships (close friends, family, lovers), is that it doesn't always help knowing what they are really feeling and thinking. What is coming out of their mouths is not always what they are actually thinking and feeling. What comes out of their mouths might be a watered down version of a thought or feeling, but it is almost always far from the real impact of their real thoughts or feelings. In fact, it more often than not is not what they are really thinking and feeling at all. It's just better to shut it off than to have to listen to them sitting there saying one thing and knowing they are thinking damn near the direct opposite of what they are saying. Especially when it pertains to you.

One of the ways that this is all very crazy making is when you are deeply bonded with someone. That bond creates a direct line to that person's inner being, their inner feelings and thoughts. What's sucky about that is that, say in the case of someone you are intimately bonded with, when and if that relationship breaks down and you lose physical communication with that person because of that break down (as in you are no longer talking with or seeing that person), the bond still sits there transmitting all their thoughts and feelings to you anyway. Whether you want to know it or not, you know almost verbatim what they are thinking and feeling, especially about you at any given moment. You also know in almost explicit detail, everything that is happening in their lives too. I can tell you that this sucks. Especially if you still care about that person.

I had the opportunity not thatvery long ago to have a conversation with someone who I knew was lying to me. I seldom call people on their shit when I know they are lying to me. Very seldom. Usually I just drop it and let it go, let them lie their asses off and walk away. But in this particular instance, I called her on it every single time she lied to me. I just refused to let her lie to me. She had been telling these lies to everyone for months by that time, so why shouldn't she tell me the exact same lies she had been telling everyone else? Every single lie I called her on. And despite her protests, I refused to back down and admit she wasn't lying. Because despite all her protestations, I knew, from my own damned able empathic abilities that she was lying. I knew exactly what had really transpired in these situations and that every word out of her mouth was either an outright lie or a severe distortion of what really happened in the situation.

Every time I called her on her shit, she would finally just go dead silent. She knew I knew she was lying. Mainly because I gave her an almost blow by blow detail of what had really happened in almost every case. Not because anyone told me what had happened, nor because I physically witnessed it, but because I saw it happen in my mind as I felt her co-conspirator's thoughts and feelings as these events transpired. She could not lie because I knew the truth.

I also had had many these unfortunate transmissions of thoughts and feelings validated by those who did personally witness much of what had come to me of those thoughts, emotions and situations as they came to me. All having an eye witness does for you is to validate that you were indeed receiving accurate information from the bond's direct transmission to you. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, I already knew that what I had received from these transmissions of thoughts, feelings and impressions of situations was real. And here's the kicker, I still do. I still know, blow by blow what is going on.

One of the things that resulted from my having made the decision many years ago to listen to my inner voice, my gut, my spirit, my higher self, whatever and not only to my logical self was, it opened up all those doors I had slammed shut on hearing other people's thoughts and feeling other people's feelings. When I am too close to someone emotionally, it becomes almost unbearable at times. They don't have to say a word and I am writhing in their personal agony.

I have been accused many times of being distant with people I am supposedly extremely close to. It's true, I am being distant, but not in a "I don't want to be around you" way. It's really just my defense mechanism kicking in. I just can't deal emotionally with where they are at the moment and I literally shut down. I might even just go to sleep to get away from those feelings they are beaming into me at the moment.

At any rate, that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being empathic. I promise you that it is more often hell than anything else. Knowing the real truth, knowing what is really going on in a situation, knowing the emotions of others, their thoughts, their feelings, their desires. It blow super chunks, hard, most of the time. And how do you shut it off when you love people deeply? You let me know if you know the answer to that one.

There is someone I love more than life it's self in my life right now who is going through some serious emotional hell. Frankly, it's killing me inside. I am writhing in that person's pain at the moment. I ache inside and I know the source intimately. I am being bombarded and there is nothing I can do about it. Other than close off the bond with them, and I will not do that because they trust me to be there for them through thick and thin. All I can do is take the shit I am being bombarded with and send it off into the universe to be released. You see why being empathic sucks when you are deeply bonded to someone? You deal with their hell whether you want to or not.

Ok, I am going to go meditate and get rid of this angst I am receiving down that bonded empathic highway. Hope they feel better when I am through dumping their shit off into the universe.

Ciao

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world.
Speak or act with a pure mind
And happiness will follow you
As your shadow, unshakeable.

Buddha (about 2600 years ago)

 

 

Shit happens in life (whether self inflicted or not), it hurts like a muther fucker and pulls us off course. Now it's our job to put our own selves back on course. To quote the Pet Shop Boys, "You can chose, happiness is an option".

J.A. McDonald (about 10 minutes ago)

 

That's an email I just sent a distraught friend. Hope he gets it.......

When I was a kid, my mother lied to us a lot to get us to do what she wanted us to do. It didn't take me long to catch on that she was lying. By the time I was 3, I had her number down pretty well. It really used to piss me off when she would do that. When I balked at her lies, told her she was not telling the truth, she would get pissed and then just insist that I do whatever it was she wanted me to do period or else. She would have done better to have just insisted in the first place and let me have a shit fit over having to do what I did not want to do and be over with it. All she managed to do was destroy my trust in the end.

I made a promise to myself back then that I would be hyper vigilant about watching out for lies and liars. I learned to never trust my government, I guess that's one good thing that came of that. Because let's face, they are liars and can't be trusted. And they do treat us like children they are trying to control with lies.

I never got very good at seeing through other people's lies though. Unless of course it was blatant. Pretty much I have been snowed a whole bunch over the years by some of the finest liars that have ever lived. But that was my fault because I wanted to believe their lies. I wanted to believe they loved me or wanted to do this really cool thing for me or whatever.

Choosing to believe a liar has almost always been to my detriment. For me, especially in personal relationships, whether friendships or lovers, or both or whatever, it's always been best for me and worked out best if they are just honest up front. It works out great for me and for them. They usually still get whatever they want from me, it's just that honesty will get a more healthy response from me and from them in the end.

Many people question how I can be with Sue considering the contents of what appears to be in this relationship. Yes, it's true we do not have a very conventional relationship. We don't sleep together, we don't have sex, we are relatively unaffectionate with each other. And theoretically our relationship is open in that "theoretically" we can have sex with other people if we chose to do so. So why does this relationship still hold on after 10 long years of it? Besides the promise I made to Marty?

Well, there are a variety of reasons, some complicated, some not. First off, we both need personal space to do our own thing. We both give the each other that space and are very comfortable in doing so. That's a big bonus in a relationship. But one of the main reasons is, Sue seldom is dishonest with me. From the very beginning she was honest about how she was not in love with me. You can't ask for much more honesty than that. She was also honest (sort of) when she was having that little emotional online tryst with that whore in MA. Sometimes I think it would have been a better payback to that whore to just let her have Sue, but no, I had to fight for her because I felt all these silly emotional feelings of love for Sue at the time.

Sue was honest about not liking to have sex, especially with me. She was honest about not giving back sexually when she did have sex with people. She was honest about not being sexually attracted to me or finding me attractive in any way shape or form. Can't be much more blatantly honest than that with someone. She was honest about being rather sloppy and disorganized  (I am being nice here). She was honest about not being able to or wanting to share her real feelings, to share from a deep heart level with anyone. She was honest about being too selfish to wear ear plugs so that we could sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed together because of my snoring. She was blatantly honest about everything being all about her, all the time. She was honest about everything.

With anyone else, I would have had to spend years figuring out most of those things. They would have lied to get out of me what Sue has managed to get out of me by being honest up front. And really, in the end, who would have hurt me more? I'll tell you who, the liar. The liar would have had me completely, my whole heart, everything. I would have given them my whole heart and in the end they would have torn it out of my chest far worse than ever Sue has. And trust me, despite holding back, Sue has still ripped my heart out of my chest to the point of no return.

With Sue, I never had togo there completely. I loved her from the arms distance she has always kept me and everyone else at. I have some consolation in that she treats everyone the same way she treats me. I am sure that there is someone out there in this world that could manage to get past Sue's defenses, but she is not out there looking for that person anymore. And I am not a rapist, so I won't and have never forced her to go where she does not want to go in a relationship. She appears to be content with what she has created in her life to date. And at least she is honest about it all. For that, I respect her.

She never pulled some number on my head saying shit like "where have you been all my life?" and other such crap. Telling me you have never loved anyone as much as you love me, I am a sucker for that kind of shit. Lies like that pull me in, make my heart open up. Lies like that hurt me in the end. Because in the end, everyone is just like Sue anyway. Sue is just honest about it all up front. In the end, everyone is really just all about themselves anyway. What they want from you they want because of whatever their deep psychological and emotional needs might be. If you can fulfill that need at the moment, cool. They might even feel some slight guilt when they fuck you over, after they got you to the point that you would give them the world on a platter and did.

Honestly would have been better. Tell the truth, you are feeling a lot of sexual need and you think I can fill that for you at the moment. Tell the truth, you just want to experiment emotionally and sexually with me, although that may not be what you call it or how you perceive it. But that is the truth. And in the beginning, that was how I felt about them until the lies started. In the beginning I only wanted to explore sexually and emotionally too. Until the lies started. By the way, for those of you through out my life who never took me down the path of lies, thank you. Having fun and exploring was very nice. Thank you for the honesty.

If you know you cannot spend the rest of your natural life (or even a chunk of it) in relationship with someone, then don't take them down that path of being "in love". That's unfair to them and to you. You may be feeling tremendous things for someone emotionally, but if you cannot honestly see yourself being able to be with this person day in and day out for however long, then don't go there. If you can't see yourself loving them unconditionally for who they really are, then don't go there. I don't. And I won't. If I say I am in love with you, then I have thought this thing through very thoroughly. I have considered all the ramifications of what being "in love" and making a life with that person includes. I might even be strongly emotionally attached to you and think you rock the known Universe, however, if I do not think it can work out with us in a real relationship, I won't go there with you. I don't want to hurt you or me in the end.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the two people who tried to take me away from Sue in the last 7 years. Both of them thought that the way Sue treated me was just horrible. They couldn't understand how I could put up with her shit. They told me repeatedly that I deserved better in a relationship. That all might have been true, I might actually deserve better, however, what they were really leading up to was they wanted what Sue had and they were willing to take it from her. And so they worked on their finely crafted lies to reel me in. It worked too. Take someone as lonely as I am and tell them you want and love them beyond reason and you have a lethal combination for that person falling for your shit.

I have taken each one of those two relationships and dissected them ad nauseam. Neither one of them is someone who is capable of being in a real relationship with anyone. At least not anytime soon. In the end, it's really just all about them and their needs and wants in life. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just bad when you are not honest about it. Be honest, tell the person you are attracted to that you are how you are and this is the way things will be if a relationship does occur and let the person make up their mind if they can or are willing to live with your ego centric needs.

The truth, from my stand point anyway, is that I cannot trust another living soul again after these last two liars. Which is sad, because if someone perfect for me did come along, I would not be open to the relationship at all. I might have sex with them, but my heart can't and won't go there again. I have decided that I pretty much will spend the rest of my life alone in my own little world. Which is not necessarily bad, I actually like me so that kind of works out in a way.

The only bad part is that once in a while, I actually do want to feel someone next to me, their skin touching mine, their heart reaching out to share deeply. It's not about sex or having some incredible orgasm, it's about human bonding on a deep core level. I am past the need for orgasm (thank you Mother Nature for taking away a female's need for sex, NOT!)  I just don't see that ever coming down the pike to me anytime in the near to distant future. And like before, with the two liars, I was not look anymore than I am now. These people jump out at me from out of nowhere and pursued me, not the other way around. Besides, I apparently have a very bad picker because I have managed to pick people who are really good at tearing my heart out of my chest and leaving me bereft in the end anyway. I think I'll stick to just being alone and learning to not be lonely or ache in my heart for the lack of human companionship.

I pretty much just stay to myself now. If I feel like someone is trying to get inside of me, I back off from them quickly. I can't even let anyone be anything other than an acquaintance anymore. Those I tend to spend time with are considerably younger than me (and I mean by about 30 or more years). That hopefully will keep them from ever being attracted to me or trying to pursue me. Course being 22 years younger than the last liar in my life did not keep her from trying to pursue my ass. But hopefully since I only hang around straight people most of the time, that straightness will keep the from thinking anything other than friendship thoughts about me.

So I am pretty burnt out by having a bad picker and never really learning how to see through people's severe dysfunction. I still can't spot a liar (or more, let's call them people who are all about themselves because of their severe dysfunction). So am staying away from people because I am pretty sure I am not strong enough within myself to take what happened to me emotionally with the last two liars ever again. Since I apparently cannot see through bullshit, I have just chosen to stay away from people completely. At least emotionally anyway.

Ciao for now.

 

Ok, now that the silliness of All Hallow's Eve is over, now we can get on to the seriousness of All Hallow's Mas.

Hallowmas of course is the day when the veil is theoretically the thinnest between the worlds. For those who practice the recently (the last 50 to 100 years is pretty recent) resurrected ancient earth based European religions, this is like the biggest holiday of the year (sort of). It's called Samhain. It's the day of the dead. Theoretically you can communicate with those who have passed over on this day.

If you have ever studied religions, in particular the evolution of the Christian religion, you will find that many of the Christian holidays coincide with ancient European pagan holidays. For the major holidays, Christmas was Yule and Easter was Eostar. There are a bevy of smaller Christian events that fundamentalists do not subscribe to much that were minor and even major pagan holidays way back when. They however did get translated into minor Christian holidays as the populace was forced to become Christian or die back during the Roman occupation of most of northwestern and southwestern Europe and the British Isles.

I don't really care because I don't practice either one of those religions. In fact, I don't practice any religion. I don't like people making up rules and telling me how I must be or think no matter what you label it. I do what I do and attempt to put as few walls up around it as possible. In fact, if I discover a wall in my thinking about spiritual matters, I will attempt to tear it down as fast as I can. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. But I keep plugging away, climbing as best I can onward and upward. For the good of all and harm to none.

If however Samhain is what pagans believe it to be, then I would like to say hi to the following dead loved ones:

Hi to:

Debbie, JRS, Phil, Chris Ross, Tom Beaudet, Grandma and Grandpa Smith, Grandma Kjer, my sister Susan, Aunt Winnie and Lela. A special nod to someone else's Uncle Glenn. I don't know what you did to her, or what really went on in that relationship, but somehow someway she got majorly fucked up and I am not sure if you were part of what screwed her up so bad. All I know is that we all live with the repercussions of whatever happened to her as a child. If you weren't part of it, please drop me a line a let me know.

Happy Day of the Dead everyone!

Ciao