Ok, this morning, before I woke up, I had a dream that I was married to yet another person. I am not sure if I was married, I do know that we were making out and eventually had or were having sex though. Interestingly enough, I was not sexually aroused in this dream, so I am not sure why I dreamed I was having sex. I think it was more of an "I win" kind of dream, cause of course, she was the bitch, takin it from behind, just the way she likes it.

Of course, I dreamed I had to have sex with Christie Ball too cause Kim and Jan said I had to to prove that Christie and I were really married. Just as an aside here, Sue told me this morning that Christie Ball's last name is no longer Ball. I know this. I remember seeing her name being changed on the sign outside of her business when she got married. I am clever like that, put two and two together on that one all by myself <grin>.

At any rate, this dream disproved my theory about the melatonin. I, in fact, did not take any melatonin last night before bed. At least I don't remember taking any. I am pretty sure I didn't anyway. However, I did remember a dream. despite the apparent lack of melatonin. I am sure I am dreaming all night long, every night, I just don't remember them. The interesting thing about my experiment here is that I am seeing a pattern here. The dreams I am remembering are happening in the morning just before I wake up needing to pee really bad.  And so far, they all have sexual content without any sexual arousal on my part.

Now, this could be caused by a number of reasons. I am going to go with the one where I have been taking Detrol LA and I no longer have to wear pads, nor do I pee on my self when I laugh, cough or sneeze. So by the time I wake up in the AM I really seem to need to pee worse than usual. More like, I really need to pee like I used to need to pee in the morning way back before I had a bladder problem. So one reason I may be remembering these dreams may be because I am being awakened during them with the need to pee.

So now I am going to take some melatonin and see if I dream some more tonight. Cool eh? I love doing experiments <grin>.

Ciao

I dreamed I was married to Christie Ball last night. That was the weirdest dream. I think the weirdest part was, we were visiting Kim and Jan Ridenour's new house (new to them anyway). Jan was taking us on a tour of the place, showing us all the improvements they had made and were going to make. It was an odd dream. I guess because I never saw Christie Ball as someone I would have wanted to be married to. In fact, in my dream, someone had to tell me that Christie and I were married so that I would start acting like we were married, instead of barely acquaintances.

Anyway, I am doing a study of my sleep habits on and off of melatonin. So far these are the results: No melatonin? No, remembered dreams. Yes melatonin? Yes, remembered dreams. Fascinating eh? Guess what I took last night before bed? God you're smart. <grin>

 

http://www.clayandgina.com/photos.html

Yeah, I am going to subject you to family pictures. You however get to choose whether you want to actually view these photos. Except for the wedding, I am not in any of these pictures. Just my kid, her husband Clay and my beautiful grandchild.

 

Ok, still not smoking (doing happy dance). Now that I am off the insulin and on the Byetta, my weight is going down again. The insulin put back on nearly everything I had lost in a month or two. But a week on Byetta and I am back down to where I started. The Byetta is suppose to make you lose weight whether you want to lose it or not. It's important for diabetics like me to lose the weight that has helped cause their diabetes in the first place. So I am assuming this is why Byetta is the drug of choice for physicians attempting to get their patients weight down also.

Often, before I go to sleep at night, I program myself to be able to hear what spirit is trying to teach me while I am sleeping. Often during sleep you are able to hear and learn where you can't during the day time because of all the noise and activity. It's especially hard in this house because if the TV. Meditation becomes almost impossible because of the TV. No matter what you attempt to do, the TV comes screaming through to your scared meditation time and destroys it completely. So in an attempt to make up for being fucked out of my meditation time during the evening, I attempt to do the programming thing for sleep. The problem with doing the programming thing is, unless you wake up in the middle of it, your conscious mind sleeps right through whatever you may be in the middle of being taught.

This morning I woke up to Justin Timberlake in my head. Just the chorus. Over and over and over again. It made me finally get up and give up trying to sleep. I don't know why "what goes around, goes around, goes around, goes around, comes back around.." wouldn't leave my head or why it was in my head in the first place. Other than I have been asking my guides to help me heal from all that has been done to me in the last few months. This is a greater/deeper healing than just taking what was sent/done to me and sending it back to the perpetrator(s). This is taking the actual physical/emotional damage that was done and attempting to put a healing salve on the wounds.

It's not like I am sitting here bleeding out or something, I'm not, it's just I want the scars that are attempting to form to not form, or to not cause anymore pain. I don't want to have a scar to remember anyone by. I mean, whether "she" knows this or not, she is not my greatest love ever. No, there are a couple of people out there that supersede her in the hierarchy of great loves.

What I want in my heart is for it to be as if she never did the cruel and heartless things she did to me to me. What I need is a shift in my perception of the whole relationship. I very much want to keep the things I learned from that relationship, I just want and need a paradigm shift in how I view the whole thing. Like I want to be able to look at the shitty stuff she did to me and see it from a whole other perspective. A perspective that doesn't have me as her victim, but rather as her student or something to that effect.

Sounds simple doesn't it? Now if I could just get my hard head to do what I want it to do <grin>. Despite my hard headedness, life is still grand. I still don't smoke (and haven't even tried), and I am losing weight and getting healthy. And, the great part about all of this is, I am not depressed in any way shape or form. Yippee! Not too shabby.

I like that "when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will do whatever is necessary to change". Nice to be reminded of that little truth eh?

Ciao

"We are only as hopelessly lost as we choose to be."  Ron Eppich

Ok, I will admit, I have been sneeking over to this guy Ron's site and borrowing his stuff. Why? Because I like the way he thinks. I don't agree 100% with every last word he says, but pretty damn close.

Anyway, I love these concepts he has listed below. These are truisms he has learned in his 35 or 40 some odd years of searching for truth. Amazingly they are pretty much exactly the same things I have learned in my 35 or 40 some odd years of searching. The greatest truth of all is Number 1 and Number 23.

I thank you Ron for sharing your journey.

 

Ron Eppich's journey:

 

 1.Everything that you have ever been taught is a lie. Now go and find truth.

2.Life is an illusion. Nothing and everything around you is real.

3.We each draw into our lives the things that we expect and believe that we will receive. You can not receive anything that you do not believe that you deserve or can have.

4.We never see reality. We only see our individual perception of reality, based on our experiences and expectations.

5.Time and space are an illusion, created by the conscious mind, to act as a marker, so that we may experience our diverse illusions together.

6.We draw into our lives the people, places, and experiences we need by perfect synchronicity, so that every party to that synchronicity has an opportunity to learn and teach the lessons we and those around us came to receive.

7.You already know everything that there is to know. Learning is only a rediscovering of what you already know, and experience is the opportunity to use it.

8.Success has no meaning. When you arrive at the point you previously called successful, you realize that you are only at the beginning again.

9.Faith is a word without power. It does not take faith to accomplish anything in this life, whether mundane or magickal. It only takes an understanding of the principles that govern the ability you desire, and the imagination to see yourself doing it.

10.Live everyday as if you had no past and as if you have no future. The past only ties you to the patterns and limitations which you have already experienced, and the future only holds the promises of what may or may not be. Live each moment as it really is, the only true moment in life that you truly have.

11.Surrender and allow - be willing to accept each moment as it comes, without reservation or expectation. It is both sad and fortunate together that the things we fear the most and the greatest desires of our heart seldom came to pass, and the uncounted hours that we wasted worrying about both.

12.The events that comprise the motion picture of our lives continues to bear out the fact that reality is often stranger than the most bizarre fiction. If this is not true for you, then you are not consciously aware of your illusion.

13.The only true joy in this life comes from following your own compulsions. If you don't see someone doing what they tell you that they truly want to do, they are doing what they truly want to do, or they would be doing something else.

14.When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll do something to change your situation.

15.In all times and in all places, act always as you truly are, and allow others to do the same. This is the basis of true human relationships and understanding. This does not mean that anyone has the right to impose themselves or their beliefs on anyone else, but rather that we be open and honest in our dealings with each other.

16.Upon death, every person initially experiences the OtherWorld exactly as they believe it to be, complete with appropriate savior and surroundings. This should tell us something about the effect of our strongly held beliefs on the fabric of reality in this world, as well as the next.

17.As above, so below. As within, so without. As the universe, so the soul! Everything that we see and experience is but a mirror of ourselves. If you don't like the reflection, change the mask.

18.Our soul's evolution is an endless journey. Where God is now, we will someday be. Where we are, God once was. For now, we are learning through our own experiences. Someday, we will learn through the experiences of our creations.

19.Each of us is connected to the First Great Creator by direct connection to the disincarnate being (companion) who watches over and guides us in this life. As it was explained to me, this is an eternal chain of ever higher levels of beings all the way back to "God". I was told, "My companion has a companion, who has a companion, who has a companion... all the way back to the First Great Creator".

20.God cannot be perfect. If God were to become perfect, then God must cease to exist. Perfection is a static state, wherein no further evolution is possible. When we cease to evolve, we cease to exist. If we to cease to evolve and yet exist, then we would be left behind in the ever-forward progression of all things. Highly advanced beings, including God, find ways of continuing to learn and grow beyond conventional human understanding, but they do continue their evolutionary journey. Thus God cannot be perfect, except in our ability to understand the true nature of perfection.

21.In this world you are given the right to choose (free agency) because the immediate execution of both Divine rewards and punishments for your thoughts, words and deeds are suspended. This is a place of learning, based on choices, both good and bad. Most of the things that man calls "sin" are based more on moral consensus reality than divine decree. Strict laws and rules limit experience, not promote it. However, the Law Of Natural Consequences does hold sway.

22.The are only Two Great Laws that govern this world. These laws constitute the sum total of the ways by which you may "sin" (acquire "karma"). The First Great Law says that you may not deliberately, maliciously, and premeditatedly inflict injury or harm on another individual on any level (i.e., physical, mental, emotional, psychological, etc.). The Second Great Law is like unto the first, in that you may not deliberately, maliciously, and premeditatedly deprive another individual of their free agency (choosing their life and making decisions for themselves). Any thought or act not covered by the above Great Laws constitutes spontaneous experience, and no "karma" is incurred.

23.Any or all of the above statements may be a lie!!! Now go find truth.

You rock Ron!

Ok Edgie, here's another lesson for you. Please feel free to ask questions at the end of class today <grin>.

 

"As above, so below. As within, so without. As the Universe, so the Soul."

 

I have been thinking about guilt and shame a lot today. What incredibly motivating emotions. Since I have been watching it in action for the last few months and experiencing the repercussions of those emotions coming out of other people directed at me, I am even more acutely aware of just how damanging and harmful those two emotions can be when not dealt with maturely.

 

As emotions go, they actually do serve a function in our growth as human beings (for further and a more indepth understanding of guilt and shame, see John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You). If we did not need them to grow, we would not have them as emotional responses to our own actions. Healthy guilt and it's brother shame allow us to see where the decisions and actions of our dark sides have caused ourselves and/or others pain and suffering. Healthy guilt and shame help us learn and change. Healthy guilt and shame allow you the opportunity to make amends for what your dark side chose to do.

 

When guilt happens because you become aware that your conscious and deliberate actions hurt other people and/or yourself, that is your higher self giving you the opportunity to examine the situation and your actions and learn from what you did. At that point you have an incredible opportunity for tremendous growth. In more evolved humans, this is the general course of action they take in order to learn and grow. They stop and examine their dark side and the repercussions of their actions.

 

Shame is an emotion that is the direct the result of guilt. Shame is what motivates a person to take action. Shame is not a pleasant emotion, not any more pleasant than guilt. They are both emotions that we humans in our base (lower) selves try desparately to get away from.  Our base, or lower self cares about 2 things, pleasure and the avoidance of pain. Guilt and shame are painful emotions, hense the base desire to run away from the pain of guilt and shame.

 

When a human being is not yet evolved or "mature" enough to be able to face painful stimuli, they will run from it in almost any way they can. A higher evolved human not only acknowledges their pain, they are able to examine it and work through all the corrosponding aspects of dealing with that pain. Lessor evolved or "immature" humans run away from pain through their actions. This is the basis of substance abuse or any other dysfunctional behavior that keeps a person from feeling their own feelings and working through them.

 

So how does the lessor evolved being deal with the painful feelings associated with guilt and shame they feel for the actions they perpertrated against other humans and/or themselves? Since they are unable to actually deal with their real feelings by feeling them and working through what it takes to work through the repercussions of their actions, they have to come up with an alternative response, one that causes as little pain as possible. That's called avoidance. They literally avoid the actual incident that caused their guilt and shame, by passing it completely in their minds, and go straight to avoidance.

 

Avoidance can take many shapes. It depends entirely on the pathos of the person involved in the avoidance. Their pathos has been created mostly by their childhood experiences to abuse and abusive situations and the way they have chosen as adults to deal with the unhealthy emotions and feelings and the subsequest behavior patterns that were generated by the abuse they suffered as children. A disproportionate part of the time, the behavior exhibited by these lessor evolved beings does directly effect those around them in one way or another. In the case of people who chose substance abuse, the substance becomes the way to avoid the pain of their guilt and shame.  In the case of a severely codependant person, the avoidance may take the form of abusing the person(s) and/or themselves, even more than they already have abused them with their original guilt/shame based action(s).

 

A case in point, let's say someone has for whatever their reasons, lied to other people about another person. In this case, if the person is deeply into not being able to face the pain of their guilt and shame, they will come up with a justification for their original actions. They will say they had the right to lie or something to that effect. They will come up with whatever their mind needs in order to stop feeling the pain of the guilt and shame. They will literally dump the responsibility for their actions on their already abused victim. It's would be like a rapist saying that the person he just raped deserved it.

 

If justifying their actions do not work, then they will often outright lie about the lie. In other words, they will literally create a lie to cover the first lie. This can get mighty sticky after a while for the person in the middle of pain avoidance. Eventually all the lies can and most probably will collapse in on them, and all they have been attempting to do to avoid the pain of their guilt and shame will come down on them anyway.

 

I have found the most effective means of pain avoidance over guilt and shame at my own actions is a sort of combination of both these techniques. Not only lie about the lie (or action), but blame the victim for causing the abuse to them selves in the first place. And then throw in on top of that the illusion that you the abuser and creator of this guilt and shame are somehow now the victim of your victim.

 

The reason lessor evolved people are so transparent to more evolved beings is because the more evolved being has been there done that. The higher evolved being has had their world of avoidance actions dropped on their own head enough times (and with enough painful repercussions) that they finally heard the universe's cry to help teach them their lessons. And now here's the kicker, the more highly evolved being actually feels extreme compassion for the lessor evolved being. They know what is ultimately in store for the lessor evolved being. They know how, no matter what, the universe is not going to let anyone get away from their lessons.

 

So let's pretend that your dark side purposely did something to another human being that you knew would cause them pain in some way. You did this action because your lower self was seeking to fullfill it's pleasure desire as opposed to say it's pain avoidance. I think that most probably we have all done this at one time or another during our lifetime. I know I have.

 

Now you have all this guilt and shame to have to contend with because you went ahead and gave in to your base nature. (Which is btw why we have a higher nature, it's there to keep our base nature from doing things that would harm other people.) If you are someone who has never really looked deeply at their dark side and learned from it, you probably feel pretty bad about what you have done and are in no place evolution wise to be able to do whatever is necessary to make amends for your actions. Now the pain from the guilt is eating you alive. Your base nature needs to escape (avoid) that pain. And so you need to come up with a reasoning to your base nature that will assuage the guilt and shame and take that pain away. This is where you need to blame your victim for being a victim.

 

Let's say your victim has exposed you for your actions. You are now angry because the victim chose to no longer feel victimized by you and chose to turn you in to the "police" for raping them. Now you have the excuse your lessor evolved beingness needed to thrust the guilt and shame on your victim. They are after all, in your eyes, now attacking you. You have a right to defend yourself now that they are "attacking" you for injuring them.

 

Now, why does this all have anything at all to do with your spiritual growth? Because the more you fight having to face the pain and deal with the repercussion of your actions, the worse it will be for you in the end. Why do I know all this? Right, been there done that. Lessons learned.

 

So this is not about judging someone who has yet to learn a specific lesson. If anything, it's about why those people need to be loved and sent healing love and light even more during times like these in their lives. this doesn't mean that you personally need to get so involved in their pathos that it is personally going to effect your own energy and growth. It simply means that you can send them that love and light and then walk away knowing that the universe is going to do it's thang with them one way or another.

 

Think of it this way, what if it was you who was attempting to avoid a lesson and no one was willing to love you enough to send out that same healing love and light your way? What if it was you who was the lessor evolved being? Think of it this way, to someone else, you are a lessor evolved being. Be thankful that you have someone sending you love and light.

 

 

Where did Doctor J come from? Long before there was a Doctor Julius Irving, there was a Doctor J of North Hollywood. Doctor J was affectionately called Doc J or Doc. Who still calls me that? Hmmm, less than a handful of devoted friends. The ones left over from my drunken and drugged out very bad rock and roll youth.

When you run with a rough crowd, ones who do serious drugs and other assorted things like that on a regular basis, they tend to be people you probably won't be associating much with once you no longer do those illicite activities anymore. So the fact that I still have friends left from that time period in my life is simply amazing to me in the first place.

They named me Doctor J. Why Doctor J? Well, because, see, I was a bartender. Bartenders by trade are good listeners. We stand around listening to other people's problems and occasionally dispensing advice if it seems appropriate. I got really good at listening to other people's problems in life. And when I did speak, I guess they thought I was speaking from some kind of learned experience (like I went to school to be a psychologist or something).

I didn't go to school to be anything. Well, actually I did. I went to school to be a rock star. But back in the 70's there was no college of rock, so instead I went to school and majored in music. I was a terrible student though because partying was much more important to me than anything else.  So instead I became the worlds greatest drop out. I dropped out of college at least 4 times. The last time I dropped out was about the time I started working as a bartender in a lesbian bar. I never looked back. The girls at the Attic let me be a rock star all I wanted behind the bar. They let me be a legend in my own mind.

I played a very bad ass air guitar if I say so myself. There are those who will tell you they thought I played the real guiitar ok, but I am here to clear up that fallacy. I was one of the worst guitar players I ever met. Which is why Gina Nicoletti is almost always playing guitar for me on every recording that came out of that time period.  Now Gina, she could really play the guitar. She was the better musician. She was the better writer too. In fact, I know she does not believe this but, all around, she was the real creative genius out of all of us.  Her poetry was deeper, her music more complex and richer, everything she did was better than the rest of us.

I was always just this side of mediocre. Ok yeah, there were people I knew who were even worse than mediocre, but I didn't want to be mediocre. I wanted to be great. I wanted to be a musical genius and sadly, I never was. It might have helped if I had managed to get through theory class without dropping out every time. Maybe I would have learned that one little secret of all great composers, the one that catapults them from mediocre to genius. Oh well. Maybe next life time.

At any rate, I think maybe 3 people on earth still call me Doc. Gina is one of them. The only friends I have left from that time are really Gina and Suzanne. I would still have Donna, but somewhere in our 30's we just kind of stopped talking for some unknown reason. Then I moved here to Rockansas and the chance of us finding each other again became pretty slim. I am not sure if Donna would call me Doc if she did see me today anyway. I was more Big J to her, another one of my nics. I was Big J and Suzanne was Little J.

Anywho, so the friends of my youth are still there somewhere hanging around being my friend despite me <grin>. I still have Roz, who still to this day lives on Teesdale in North Hollywood and there's Anita from high school. That's an odd one to still have around. She lives in Seattle now I think... or maybe she moved to Portland. All those cities in the Pacific Northwest all look alike to me. There's also Patty Pipkin. She lives in Altadena now.

Then there's the dead friends of my youth. Sue and Debbie Winchester. Debbie of course was my lover for 10 years. Sue had been one of my closest friends in high school. It's not like our friendship really died, it's just she was never the same again after they committed her for being paranoid schizophrenic. I still went and hung out at her apartment with her. Sat there just hanging out and doing nothing while she rocked back and forth chain smoking until it was time for me to go.

Sue died of breast cancer. Debbie died from overdosing on the meds they gave her for her paranoid schizophrenia.

And then there's Phil Carmen. Why do I hate Ronald Reagan? Because of Phil and about 20 other close personal friendswho died while we were all still young. Living through the holocaust of AIDS in the 80s. I live on my friends. Trust me, middle age is not what it's all cracked up to be. I miss you guys. I miss you Phil.

I miss you Debbie. Sue I wish I could have just 5 more of those incredibly boring minutes in your apartment watching you rock back and forth chain smoking. Or you sitting on mine and Debbie's couch watching TV and chain smoking. Or just one more hour or two with you Debbie, the way it was before you got so sick and I lost you forever to that disease.

After all these years I don't know why it still stabs my heart so deeply to remember. Why, after all these years, I still grieve you. Does this go on forever? This hole? This missing place where you once resided? I guess I will let you know in a few more years and report back to you my dead friends.

And that is why my journal here is named Doc J. Because I am Doc J. And Doc J is done with talking to my past and my dead friends. I will tell you a secret about life, the friends of your youth always keep you humble. If you ever get too big for your britches, they remind you of what a genuine putz you were when you were young. On the other hand, they can also tell you just how much you have grown and evolved. It's like having a mirror of your life there to reflect in.

This is Doctor J signing off.

You were the fire of my life.....

Here's a dis song Sue sent me the night she was sending me dis songs to post. I missed this one somehow....

Thought I would share it here before I delete that email:

Lie to me (Depeche Mode)

Come on and lay with me
Come on and lie to me
Tell me you love me
Say I'm the only one
 
Experiences have a lasting impression
But words once spoken
Don't mean a lot now
Belief is the way
The way of the innocent
And when I say innocent
I should say naive
So lie to me
But do it with sincerity
Make me listen
Just for a minute
Make me think
There's some truth in it
 
Promises made for convenience
Aren't necessarily
What we need
Truth is a word
That's lost its meaning
The truth has become
Merely half-truth
So lie to me
Like they do it in the factory
Make me think
That at the end of the day
Some great reward
Will be coming my way

 

Ok, I am so out of here..... off to work! Hi ho, hi ho!

One of the things I like about being my age is that you generally have been there done that and got the tee shirt many times. So there is not much anyone person or situation can bring to you that is going to actually "shock" you. People can do things that amaze you with the things they say and do because you would never have thought in a million years that they could be quite so stupid, because after all, they are amazingly transparent to those who have been there done that. But other than that, they still haven't done something you have never seen before.

One thing you learn about anger and reacting to painful stimuli is, as soon as you get it all out you can generally go on and heal from it all over a period of time (time lines depend on the severity of the stimuli).

Pain actually creates anger. It's not the other way around. You must first be hurt in order to get angry about something. Most people don't notice the pain part of stimuli. They tend to go right to anger and bypass the pain if at all possible. You learn  this kind of info in anger management class. And yes, I indeed did do anger management in therapy back when I was in my late 20's and early 30's. Course I was only doing the anger management stuff in therapy because I absolutely would not deal with any of my other issues at the time. I couldn't face them. But I could admit I had anger issues, so that is what I worked on in therapy. Hey, it was better than nothing, ok?

Anyway, I was just thinking about what it finally took for me to get real and actually do the inner work I needed to do for myself in order to heal from my life woundings and become a whole person for the first time in my life. It took Debbie attempting to kill me. It took my whole world being turned upside down and inside out for me to wake up. It took the universe the ultimate to get me out of denial and on a path of self discovery and the ultimate meeting with Universal Oneness/Love.

So I have been sitting here contemplating my anger of late. Why am I so angry? Well, because I am so deeply hurt. 25 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to put two and two together and figured out that my extreme anger was because I was so wounded. Now, I go right to the pain first and feel it, move around with it, and how it makes me feel. I search for what it will take to heal from that injury. If I can see a pretty clear path of healing I tend to not go to anger. I tend to just go straight for the healing path and move on down that until I am healed.

But when the injury keeps getting reopened and the wounding continues for a period of time, it's hard to stay on that path of healing. You are so busy trying to protect your wounds from the next round of incoming injuries that you literally are thrown bodily (spirit/mind body that is) off that path. When the person(s) or situation that has caused you injury continues to mercilessly attack and injure you, you literally cannot, despite all you may know how to do to heal, stay on that healing path. There comes a point in the wounding of your being that you probably are going to need the help of other healers to heal the injury because it has become so great.

You will see this in people who suffer from PTSD, like survivors of childhood abuse, people who have spend enough time in a war zone or some type of severe natural disaster, people attempting to come out of severely abusive (mentally, physically, spiritually) relationships. They can attempt to heal themselves, but their wounding is so deep that it really is impossible to do it alone with out the help of healers.  Generally the best they can do when the wounding is that severe is to self medicate. Self medication, as we all know, can involve many different substances and behaviors we use in order to not feel the pain of the severe wounding.

I watch my last bastion of self medication in my life now. You  might think it's nicotine, and well, nicotine was part of what was left of my self medication. But it wasn't close to the main drug I used, not even a little close. I used/use relationships to keep from having to deal with my feelings. When you are embroiled in a passionate love affair with the myriad of feelings that revolve around the relationship, you sincerely do not have to deal with your own shit. You are so busy dealing with the relationship that you have no time, nor the ability to deal with your own shit that needs dealing with. You will in fact, not heal from your previous severe woundings. You will merely cause those wounds to be even more injured eventually as the dysfunctional person you have chosen to have this wild relationship with deteriorates into being abusive with you.

The reason I can see this self medicating behavior in others so well is because I still do it myself. Relationships with dysfunctional people are something you know is going to take you away from dealing with your own shit. Just like getting drunk off your ass makes you not have to deal with your own shit. But you do it anyway because they are exciting and that excitement is what you are craving in the first place. The excitement keeps you from having to deal with yourself.

Luckily for me, I can see when I am doing this shit with myself now. It doesn't generally stop me (sometimes it does), but at least I see what I am doing now as before I didn't know what I was doing at all except getting involved with people who would ultimately hurt me. Actually, it does stop me to a point. It just depends on where I am emotionally at the moment and how I have been feeling about me and my world. Like most people, I only pick severely dysfunctional people to be involved with. Which is why I keep re injuring my old wounds.

I said this in a previous post, I quit smoking to prove to myself that I could indeed be good to me and stop abusing me. Up to and including getting involved in abusive, dysfunctional relationships. I am going to heal if it kills me. LOL, it just might.

But more on this at some other time.

Ciao baby!

This is Sue's favorite song right now. Today was her year anniversary of quiting smoking. So we went to Hastings and she bought Justin Timberlake's new CD with this song on it.

What Goes Around... / ...Comes Around Interlude"

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

[laughs]
See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
[laughs]

If you recall (this is if you are a real reader of my blog, if you are just an occasional social reader, you will need to go back possibly a year or more to find where in I speak), I wrote this poem for Sue about 10 years ago. It was all about how she talks with her music in whispers that roar. That was how she communicated with the people she really cared about. She made them tapes with all the songs she thought expressed how she was feeling.

So tonight Sue tells me, after we have listened to this Justin Timberlake song a couple of times, that this is the ultimate dis song to a certain ex lover of mine. I must admit I do like it, however, it doesn't fully express how I felt back at the end of December when I had that dream and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that "they" were involved deeper than anyone knew. All I knew was, at that point, when I dreamed about them fucking each other on the floor of my home, I knew that they both had been and were lying to and cheating on several people at several levels. They may not have been to "bed" with each other yet, but they had been down each other's pants and throats plenty of times.

I don't know if I was more angry or hurt when I had that dream. It was as real as dreams get. I knew I was seeing the real thing happen. Which is why I told her to get the fuck out of my home and my life in the dream. When I saw her the next day in real life at the Tiki, I knew I was done with her forever. I knew at that point that it was a matter of cutting my losses and running. When she stuck her tongue down my throat that night I knew that that would be the last time I ever felt her kiss. In a way it saddened me, but in another way, I was so angry with her that I really didn't give much of a shit.

So I have spent a great deal of time trying to deal with my feelings and heal in my own way. I am still in the healing process and I will admit that once in a while (maybe once a day or so) I still get this pain in my heart. Maybe if she hadn't lied so fucking much, maybe if she hadn't dragged what I thought was my friend into her sick fuck game and made her lie and cheat on everyone too, maybe, just maybe if she had handled it differently, maybe it wouldn't sting so fucking deep inside my heart.

But she didn't do it any differently. She did it the way she did it and she is still in the middle of lying to herself about what she has done and is still doing not just to me but to everyone in her life. She is the ultimate Queen of Denial. She has no idea why people are so angry with her. And so she is pissed at them because it serves her purpose to act like she is the offended one when in reality she is the one who has deeply offended everyone.

So anyway, Sue said she would create the ultimate dis tape for her for me. Starting with Justin Timberlake. This is the second song she said fits the situation. She said this song fits all the lying that took place last summer. It's Depeche (no? really?).

 

Things You Said

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
But they know me better than that
They know me better than that
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
I never denied them
 
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
How can a view become so twisted
How can a view become so twisted
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
You tried them
 
I get so carried away
You brought me down to earth
I thought we had something precious
Now I know what it's worth
 
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I've never felt so disappointed
Never felt so disappointed
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
Thought that you liked them
 
They know me better than that

 

One day, something very serious is going to come out of all this shit in the form of a novella or perhaps more. I am not sure, maybe even more. I have already written so much, so very, very much. And I have every intention of publishing as much as I possibly can of all I have written so far.

I have to finish healing so that my perspective is clearer. The truth is, I see them both right now as shallow, petty, immature, childish, morally and ethically infantile cretins. I want to see them at all times through the eyes of someone standing back watching from a distance. I want to be able to see myself from that distance too. I want to see them as whole beings, not as the selfish, blood sucking spiritual vampires that I see them as now.

 

It's funny, Sue says I should have Alanis Morrisette's You Ought to Know as one of the songs on my dis CD. Ah, there are so many songs honey. So many ultimate dis songs that can fit the issue at hand. Now whether those dis songs, all lined up and playing their collective pathos of relationships gone bad out for my breaking heart to hear will do me any good remains to be seen. I am not so sure it would help me all that much. The truth is, right after she pulled her little stunt on me on her birthday, I listened to Gordon Mac Cray's reprise of If I loved You from Carousel over and over again for days on end. Even after we had our little conversation on Sunday the 14th of January, and I knew then at that exact moment that it was over between us, I just listened to it even more. Even after she called me (both times in 3 days) and reamed me a new asshole, I still just listened to If I loved You over and over again. The reprise goes like this:

 

Longing to tell you but afraid and shy,

I let my golden chances pass me by

 

Now I've lost you

soon I will go in the mist of day

And you never will know

 

How I loved you

How I loved you

 

This is more my style. Sue is dissing, I am lamenting. Why is this so hard to let go of? Why does anyone wonder that at all? I would think it was very apparent. I was and am deeply in love with her. It's doesn't matter that she used me or abused me or whatever others think happened or even what actually did happen in that relationship, the truth is, I fell in love with her beyond measure, beyond all time and beyond all reason. And no matter what the truth is about the whole affair, it does not and will not diminish how I felt for her and still feel for her.

 

That my friends is a matter of time and I will tell you, I do not get over a real love quickly. And I really loved her, with all ofmy being. This is not necessarily something I want to admit to anymore, but I would be lying if I said I never loved her or felt what I felt and still feel in many ways for her. I would be making myself into a one dimensional shadow character, just like thinking of them as heartless, cold and immoral bastards makes them one dimensional shadow beings too. I want to be able to write from a place where the pain no longer lives so brightly that it blinds me.

 

And write I will. Because that is part of what I am supposed to be doing right now. Soon the creative means with which this project will grow will come to me and it will take off like a wild fire with in me. Because that is how the act of creation always takes place inside of me.

 

And it's getting to be time to create again. I've let a lot of shit clutter my path. Spring cleaning is at hand.

 

Carol? The reason you read my blog is because you have it set up to tell you I posted. It's hard to miss it when it alerts you <grin>. But still, I do appreciate your devoted readership. Despite my whinning and bitching, you still read this drivel anyway.

 

Ciao babies, I love you very much! Even you Boy Wonder <grin>