Sue goes to court Monday. It's creeping up on her and making her stomach churn. I don't blame her. Sue has a Defense Fund jar at work. So far people have dropped over $100 in there. The lawyer is costing $1500. So that means that between what Sue's Dad sent and this money we only owe him $900.

It's ok, I am pretty much prepared to deal with all this from a spiritual stand point. Lots of positive energy and such going to the whole thing, and a wall of protection against those who are sending out (whether they know what they are doing or not) negative energy.

In other news, despite all the boneheaded stuff I have done in this last year to cause my self financial ill health, slowly, I am healing from the cancer that was slowly eating my world away. I am sure she doesn't see herself as a cancer so maybe for her sake it's better to call her a leech, sucking the life's blood out of it's host. Maybe she would understand that better.

Not having a leech there sucking me dry to the tune of $400 a week (come hell or high water) has made a world of difference. All those things that I had no money to fix last year I am slowly "fixing" this year. I have also found to be true what I knew to be true way back when, I don't need a full time employee, period. Bill knew that, which is why he didn't work full time for me. A really huge week for Bill was 30 hours and that was pushing it with a couple of huge jobs going on. Most weeks Bill was lucky to work 15 hours.  Even at that I didn't really need Bill all that much, often he was along for the company because I honestly could do it most of it without him.

About the only time I actually need someone is when I am in the middle of a huge project. I need someone to take locks off doors and then put them back on the doors.  It makes the job go way faster and the faster a job goes for me the greater the profit margin. I haven't had any of these jobs recently, but hopefully I will soon enough. I have two places that are in the middle of figuring out how to pay to get it done. It's not cheap you know.

At any rate, things are looking up. And I say this for a variety of reasons, one is because they really looking up are despite the outward appearence of things and two, because I am creating an aura of positive forward motion by saying "things are looking up". It's a little deeper than that, but saying that will suffice for the time being.

I am not going to get into the negative energy that was being generated daily in my life last year when I had certain on going influences attached to my life. I can say though that not having that negative energy around all the time has freed me to put energy into so much that was being neglected in my life. Like my actual physical health. Or, spending time with my own child. It's amazing how much more positive energy I have for things such as that anymore.

I almost feel free anymore. Burdens beginning to lift. Even this shit that is happening because of backstabbing fucks in Sue's life cannot divert me from moving forward. I will step right over these betraying fuck wads and dump what they did to Sue right back on their heads. Woe to you if you were any part of the betrayal of Sue. It's all been sent back to you. Sue and I are moving forward. You can deal with whatever you generated cause it's on your heads now. We've refused your bullshit <grin>.

Now I am going to go get ready for work and go make a few dollars today. Another day close to another bill paid. LOL, that is how I look at a work day anymore. Which bill did I pay today. What bill can I pay tomorrow. What broken thing around the house can I fix today? What more did I do today to fix the financial ills created by my boneheaded bullshit from last year? It works for now <grin>.

Ok I am off... Ciao!

Sue didn't want to go out Satuday night for Diversity. I kind of made her though. It was all good. It did what I knew it would do for her heart. She actually had a great time. She found out there are a lot of people out there who love and support her.

I know what that feeling is like. When you feel like the whole world is out to destroy your world and someone comes along and says "Hey man, I see all these asswipes over here are attacking you and coming against you, I am standing on your side and supporting you".  You would be suprized how much that lifts your spirit to hear that from someone.

The people who are standing on Sue's side are people who have recently been the victims of the rumor mill here in Reaky. It's hard when the rumor mill sucks you in here... people get off on believing the absolute worst about you. I know, it happened to me on more than one occassion.

At any rate, Sue had a really good time Saturday and I am thankful she did. It made me feel good to know that she felt good. I love you Sue and I will stand beside you no matter what. Because, well, that is real loyality.

The other day in karate we did this thing that I don't know the name of. It's where one person stands in the middle of a whole bunch of attackers and one by one the attackers attack the guy in the middle and they have to defend themselves.

Well, when it was my turn to be in the middle, Sensie had several persons attack me at once, bringing me down to my knees and then to my back. It was literally a dog pile on top of me. I couldn't have gotten out of that no matter how hard I tried. It was all in good fun and games and we all had a good laugh over it at the time. This little experience however reminded me of a lesson I had learned a long time ago.

The lesson? Without divine intervention, if you are standing alone with no one to help you walk through a possible ambush, you are going to be brought down on your back and killed by an army of ambushing attackers. So no matter how much you may want peace and to walk away from an enemy who started a war you never wanted with you, you can't if they won't stop fighting. All you can do is let them finally kill you if you have no help to keep them from killing you.

At the end of Ultimate Journey, Robert Monroe says that one thing that does matter in the spirit is what other people think about you. I would have liked to have asked him to explain that a little more indepth, like how exactly he knew that (like what did he see or what was he told in an out of body experience that gave him that information). Unfortunately he died 3 years before I read that particular page with that particular information on it.

I understand a bit about that theory. Basically what that really means is that if someone believes good things about you, then good energy is going to be sent your way. If someone thinks bad things about you, they will be sending bad energy your way. You get enough bad (or good) energy going your way at once and it can change the course of things in a person's life.

So here's what I tried for the first couple of months with "her". I lit green candles and sent healing love and light to her everyday after I found out exactly how bad she had lied to me and about me, and how bad she had betrayed me. That didn't work because she still continued to lie about me to anyone who would listen. And the sad part is, she is still lying about me to anyone who will listen and still trying to do whatever she can to hurt me and my family.

So what do I do now? She has gathered as much of an ambushing army as she can and has ambushed me. Should I die or pray for divine intervention?  The reason I had/have forgiveness on my mind so much is that I keep thinking that forgiveness is the spiritual key here to make her war against me go away. If I turn the other cheek and walk away she will just have to give up right? Her and her army who thinks they are following a righteous, honest and honorable leader who has every right in the world to attack me. They all walk away bored to tears once they see I am dead, right?

Luckily for Kaitlyn, our friend's child was there and defended her when she was attacked for being a "devil worshipper".  He set them straight so to speak. Kaitlyn doesn't know who the devil is. She has no real concept of how much of an attack it was to be called a devil worshipper.  I think in the end it was the whole screaming match exchange between all the children that was the hurtful part to Kaitlyn. This whole thing has been very painful to her because "she" has used "her" kids to try to hurt me. In using her kids, she created a rift between Kaitlyn and her middle child who were once best friends (prior to this shit starting in January).  This has deeply wounded Kaitlyn. How do I forgive someone hurting my child like that? Or even her own children?  I love them too and there is nothing I can do to save them from her illness.

Yes, I understand that she is ill. Why do you think I prayed so hard for her healing?  Considering that one of those 7 day candles burns for close to 7 days, I probably lit and empowered at least 8 of the green ones in the attempt to help heal her from her illness. This isn't alcoholism she is sick with, this is a life long problem with pathological lying.  And it's more than just the lying part of her, she also has something else in her that is even more harmful to herself and others. Just know that in her illness, she is able to make up stories and believe them to a point herself. I can tell you that had I known that she was so sick, I never would have fallen prey to her advances on me.  Had I known what I know now, I never would have allowed her to get so close to me in the first place.

And I say none of that out of malace. It's just fact, painful, heartbreaking fact about her. Even if I had never loved her, even if she had never told me she was in love with me, even if this whole thing had never happen between us, I would still have a broken heart over how sick she really is. And that would be because I know how painful this sickness is to everyone she comes in contact with or gets involved with too closely. Like the house mouse, she believes that my trying to warn her about "her" was me being jealous that she had gotten "her" and I had some how "lost" something I wanted to her.  It had nothing to do with jealousy, because at the time I was warning her, I didn't believe that either one of them had it in them to do what they finally did in the end to "her" sibling. I had no idea the house mouse was just as sick in her own way as "her".

House mouse's thinking is the belief system of the young, stupid and straight. Old gay people like me don't play dumb ass games. They just make decisions about whether someone deserves to be forewarned about an impending disaster or not. That's where I made my only real mistake. She obviously did not deserve to be forewarned. In fact, her inability to hear a genuine warning is how karma will be helping her learn her lesson in the end. Because she will end up in the exact same place as everyone else who has ever been in "her" life.  It's just a matter of time and whomever brings along the best opportunities to "her" in the meantime. "She" will always go for whatever is the best and most opportune thing for her and "fuck" everyone else who gets in the way, that's part of the disease. She has no real ability to be loyal to anyone particular thing or person. And I believe that that is part of the illness too.

So house mouse had her chance to be "saved" and chose not to believe she was in any peril. And that's all good because it's obviously her lesson and I refuse to stand in the way of anyone's karmic lessons.

Anyway, so I am still working on the forgiveness thing. In light of the horrible things I learned last night, it's adding fuel to the pyre of things she has done that must be burned in the fire of forgiveness for her.

I guess that I just wish that I knew people were standing with me and Sue in all these attacks against us. I know that I cannot trust smiling faces I see around here. Smiling faces have on more than one occassion turned out to be the faces of liars and back stabbers. I am burned out and I trust no one anymore. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to love unconditionally and go through life giving from the depths of my being. It is breaking my heart to have to close off like this just to protect myself and my family from the sicknesses of others.

And I feel so all alone in all this. I absolutely trust no one except for Sue and Glen. You have no idea how sad and heavy my heart is right now.

I appreciate all the feed back I got on the forgiveness post. Just know that I am always grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Now I am off to meditate for a short moment or so and then to work to make a little bit of money to help pay the mortgage this month.

The last couple of days it's been running through my mind about forgiveness and how on earth you can forgive someone who is actively fucking you over.

I am sincere in my quest for an answer here. Every time I think this thing is over with the Hobicht and the house mouse something more comes to light that she has done and said to attack and harm me in the way too recent past. Like yesterday is pretty recent. And yes Sweetheart, she's even been bad mouthing you all the way over in Hometown USA. So when you see her again, make sure you tell her you know she's talking shit about you back home to the folks.

So someone tell me how you forgive someone who actively is attempting to destroy you through slanderous and false remarks about you and your character?  I am not joking, I seriously want to know. Why do I want to know? Well, because I was thinking that maybe if I just forgave her anyway, even though she has not asked to be forgiven and probably never will ask to be forgiven, maybe, just maybe it would at least help heal something in me. I can't do anything about her and her pathological illness, all I can do is try to heal me and go on with my life despite the shit she has done and continues to do to me. I just can't figure out how to forgive when the perpetrator is still attacking and hurting the victim.

Someone tell me how you forgive under those circumstances. Like if I was a Jew in a Nazi conscentration camp during WWII and I watched all these horrible atrocities happening to people all around me and to myself also, could I forgive the tormentors? I just don't know... my guess is I could not.

I have never been so used and abused by anyone in my life as I have been by her. How do I forgive an on going attack? How do I make her attacks not hurt so that the forgiveness is real and heart felt in myself?

Surely out of all you fine folk out there, someone knows some secret to genuine forgiveness of someone who continues to assault you and your family out of malicious spite.

Please help. Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated and considered.

Thank you.

I am still pissed off about that devil worship thing. What a low blow. That has to be one of the highest insults anyone can call some one like me. I think the house mouse needs to get scared now because I am going to find out who exactly said that to the boy (and I know it was her) and then I am going to nail her ass to the wall for it legally in the form of slander.

I have not forgotten what you did, nor how you deceived and betrayed me. Now in your shame you attack me through her children (you are so low you don't even use your own kids). How much lower can you go?  Do you have any idea what you are generating karmically speaking? I guess not. And frankly, I don't give a shit. Fuck yourself over, it's your perogative slave girl.

I am sorry if I have to talk in subtle under tones, never saying the real truth, or speaking the names of the real perpetrators. Apparently it's the name of the game.

Why does it appear that I am taking forever to heal from being betrayed and stabbed in the back? Well, it's because this is too small of a town to get away from the perp's who did it to me. And, what is even more painful in all this is that she brought the children into it all back in the very beginning of this "break up" between "us" just to hurt me. I knew when she did that that she was hurting only the children, not me. I took her aside and with all sincere and heartfelt love and gentleness said that her actions (telling her children they were never to have anything to do with me anymore) were hurting the children (maybe it was the tears in her two youngest's eyes and the sad, soulfully longing looks I got from them that pointed that fact out to me). She basically told me to "fuck off". What she actually said was "What I do with my children is none of your business."  Interestingly enough, that was the last conversation we ever had with each other. I walked away sad that she was so messed up that she would hurt and use her own children like that in an attempt to hurt another grownup.

But now what she has done is coming back to haunt her because unfortunately for her, her youngest children don't know how to not repeat what they hear the adults around them say. And who do they take it out on? That's right, my child.

I just want to know what you were expecting would happen with your children and mine child when we had all been so close once upon a time? How did you expect your children and mine to understand that you had lied to so many people about so much stuff that they were now going to have to pay the price of your bullshit?

Don't ask Sue ever again "What's going on between my kids and yours?" She knows the answer (as do you). Do you want her to tell you what it is? Because I certainly have given her the freedom to tell you where to get off.

The next time one of your children calls my child any name, let alone calls her a "devil worshipper", there will be repercussions as far as the law will allow me.  I have news for you, a 6 year old boy does not know what a devil worshipper is, nor would he use that terminology or make it up out of nowhere. We know where he got it. I think it's pretty shitty that you would put something like that in your kid's head about my kid. Especially the one out of all your children that I loved the most. Ironic don't you think?

And I know you already know this about me, but I am going to reiterate it here, I don't believe in the devil, or satan. I don't believe in heaven or hell, good or evil. I don't believe in revenge, I believe in the law of karma. What you sow, so shall you reap. But you already know this about me, so why do you fear me so much that you are slandering my name around your children and god knows whom else? Just because you have personally seen things you can touch and feel that I generated out of my spirit? Like the business you now enjoy without me there? Is that what you fear? My ability to create something real and solid out of pure intentional thought? Is that what you fear?

Let me ask you this, have you ever once in all the time you were so close to me ever seen me do something or create something you deem "bad" or "evil"? Just because I am capable of doing something doesn't mean I am going to do it. And why? Did we not already have this conversation, repeatedly,  Grasshopper? The law of karma. What you sow so shall you reap. I am not some kind of wonderful person who would never harm another soul, I am just an ordinary person who is aware that for every action there is an equal reaction. You know this about me. I never have claimed to be anything but an ordinary person in any way shape or form. 

You wanna know what kills me about you and your irrational fear of me? I tried for all I was worth to teach you what I know and how to use it for the good of all in love and light. Apparently you didn't really want to learn it, you just wanted me to do what I do o'so well and then you could reap the benefits of my abilities with you having done none of the real work to create something yourself. Was that because you thought it was witchcraft? So you would let me do what you thought was "witchcraft" or "satan" stuff and then you would reap the benefit of it later on down the road? Amazing. And you still cannot see how transparent you really are to every one around you.

And now you take your fear of me and cause itto become something your children have to hurl at my kid as an insult and attack on her character. The more I know about you the more I dislike you. I take that back, I don't dislike, I feel nothing for you. Right now I am irritated that your kid repeated what he heard you and your house slave say around him, but other than that? I really do not give a shit about you one way or another.

Here's the deal. I have stepped out of the way of karma. I did that several days ago actually. I was protecting you and your family. Now I am not. I did that because there is no reason for me to continue to send out my own personal energy on your behalf anymore. That is how much I do not give a rat's ass about you anymore.

There are people out there who think that you and I will be friends again one day. I have to chuckle because I can't ever see you coming to terms with all you did to me and every other person you harmed in your little passion play of life you played out with us all. You will never be allowed back in my life if I know you are actively in your disease (lying pathologically is a disease dear). I just can't and won't allow that energy in my life or home again. I allowed you in once while you were active in your disease, it will never happen again. It has nothing to do with any feelings I may or may not have for you, it has to do with protecting my family from the repercussion of your dysfunctions.

You want to know why one of the conditions of being allowed back in my life is that you not only apologize to me about what you did but also apologize to everyone you lied to about me? Because I know that unless you are made to be honest with everyone you have lied to about me that you have not really healed from your disease. And that is why I am not worried about you ever coming to terms with what you have done and healing from your illness. I honestly do not think you can erase a lifetime of behavior and change. I don't think you have it in you. And that's not brag, that's just fact ma'am. So I am not worried, nor anticipating ever having to forgive you publicly for betraying me.

In the meantime, please keep your children away from my child at the dojo and at school. Know that if you sowed something against me (that would include nearly everything you did to me in the last year pretty much) in any way shape or form at any point in your knowing me that I have officially stepped aside to allow karma in to do it's job.  And just so you know, until you undo all you have done to me and the so many others involved, there is nothing, and I mean nothing you can do to stop karma from doing her job of paying you back that equal reaction for your actions.

Just remember that as you move through life. That includes your little house mouse who I know reads this blog. Everything you do can and will come back on your head in an equal reaction. And I do not care by what meter you have decided to measure this on, betrayal and bearing false witness against another is still up there in the karmic law handbook as something that will come back on your head.

And nope, I am not angry. I feel nothing but apathy toward you and yours. Just stay away from my kid.

I dreamed last night that I was at my Dad's house. Other than I have never been to, nor seen my Dad's house (he lives in a condo in Vegas), the only thing odd about dreaming I was at my Dad's house was that it was an actual house and was probably 10,000 sq ft or more. Just an fyi, I doubt my Dad's condo is more than 2000 sq ft if that much. When he bought that place, he was scaling down. Oh yeah, and for some reason, he also owned the really small house next door too.

This house was very dark and masculine and looked to have been decorated last in the late 50's or very early 60's. All dark wood panel and dark tweed materials on the furniture. There was even a room that appeared to be the security room with TVs and an intercom system all right out of an early 60's sci-fi/James Bond movie.

So I am at my Dad's house and after hanging with him in what I guessed to be a massively huge screening room (if you are from LA you will know what that is in a private residence), I decide to go check out the house next door.

In the house next door, it's all light and airy, in pastel yellows, greens and reds, checks and solids, very delicate and feminine. Very much like Helen. Now Helen's house I had seen way back when Dad and Helen lived in Manila. It looked nothing like this little delicate and feminine house. The house in Manila reflected Dad and Helen's travels around the world, even down to the wood furniture which was a carved teak.

Despite this house not looking like anything I had known Helen to be like, I knew this was Helen's house. I grew nostalgic and longed to see Helen while I stood there in "Helen's" kitchen. I looked over at one of the small hanging ceiling lights and knew that if Helen was there that she would move one of them to try to let me know she was there. Sure enough, with in moments, the light began to sway about 6 to 8 inches back and forth in such a way that it was impossible to deny what you were seeing.

I started to cry and told Helen it was good to see her again. It did my heart good to know she was there. And then suddenly, Helen was there, in the flesh. But she was dressed as if she had just walked off the Donna Reed Show and was living in black and white. Even her hair was done up in a late 50's early 60's hairdo that typified a housewife's do of TV sitcoms of the day. She told me she had a lot of laundry to do and showed me the laundry room in Dad's big house. It was about the size of the downstairs of my house and was actually two rooms, both filled with relatively new washing machines. There were probably 20 or more washing machine/dryer combos in those two rooms. I knew they had come with the house when Dad bought it, and I couldn't figure out why the previous owner had installed so many washing machines.

The next thing I knew I was in a bedroom back in the smaller house. For some reason I knew this was mine and Debbie's master bedroom. A relatively similar theme as the rest of Helen's house ran in this room too. The only thing that made this room odd was that the bed was just a very large California king mattress on the floor. It had a beautiful bedspread and pillows and everything nice, but it was just a mattress, no box spring, no frame, nada. I went to the dresser where all of Debbie's things were and noticed that there was still trash in the small trash can beside the dresser. I found it odd that I hadn't taken all that out and done something with it to keep it in a sacred place since it was Debbie's last trash (how I knew this I will never know). And then I started to cry because Kaitlyn was missing her Mommy and there was nothing I could do to make Mommy rise from the dead.

I could really use my Dad's help right now, but he is not going to help me out and I am not going to ask because I refuse to be hurt again by his rejection. I think that huge dark house represented my Dad to me, formidable and inhospitable. The little house was Helen's light and unconditionally loving being.

The whole dream disturbed me. Especially the last part in mine and Debbie's bedroom. Dreams of the dead (although unless something happened in the last 3 days that I don't know about yet, my Dad was the only person besides me in that dream that is still alive) are pretty obvious. At least to me they are. I don't think the dead are trying to talk with you through your dreams or anything like that. For me, I pulled up two people in my life, both who are dead and had them in some way there to comfort me. Helen being around was some comfort in a way. Debbie wasn't really there where I could see her, but her spirit was around. I know in my dream I was pulling her up because I need her comfort right now too. Unfortunately her part in last night's dream was not very comforting. But I also woke up sick as a dog last night during her part of the dream. So I will never know what I would have morphed this part of the dream into had it been allowed to continue.

 

I know you all think I harp on this karma thing. What you don't know is that I had Barbara Harmony do an astrology reading for me last year. In that astrology reading she told me that her take on all those planets being in my 12th house were that I had a lot of karma that I was going to be dealing with/clearing up (whatever) in this life time.  And honestly, it wasn't just her reading that got me thinking about all this karmic stuff in my life, this has been something I have thought about since I was at least a teenager (and yes, that was a very long time ago).

I think I may have mentioned in here that somewhere around 1990 or so that it came to me that I needed to live life to the fullest. To live fully, open mind, open heart, open everything. Live it in unconditional love. For myself, for everyone and every thing.

Well, I did try to do that. I lived every moment fully, as if there would be no other. Lived those moments fully in the present as if there was no tomorrow. Loved others as if they deserved to be loved and honored utterly and unconditionally. I did that up until about 6 months ago with everyone as much as I possibly could. Until somewhere around October of 06. Until I figured out how bad I had been used by someone I had been loving that way in my life.

I know that every life you encounter (at least that I encounter) has something karmic involved in it. So of course I have always been very aware of how I was karmically connected to others. I knew that this person and I had a deep karmic bond and that there was a depth to this relationship that had nothing to do with today or or the lives we lived now. But I have also felt and known that about many a person in my lifetime, so this was not some new feeling for me about another person.

At any rate, this last deep karmic relationship for whatever reason broke that spell I was under about loving and giving to others unconditionally. It's not that I can't love unconditionally anymore, it's just that I will most probably never allow myself to ever be so close to another person again that I am faced with having to accept them in their totality and love them with out judgment despite themselves. I am not saying I will judge them instead of loving and accepting them unconditionally, I am saying I will never know them well enough to know there is something about them to judge and condemn them for. I am back to my wise interpretation about life that I developed at age 7. It is better to be alone, better to be a hermit. Better to never be close to other humans if at all possible.

For all the pain and anger I have felt because of my reaction to being betrayed, lied to, used, stolen from and stabbed in the back, in this last year, I am now, finally closing down my heart after 17 years of being open. I just can no longer do this unconditional stuff anymore. Not now anyway. I think my ability to remain open with others has been pretty good considering. I just can't continue to be open and loving anymore. I look around me and I know that people are talking trash about me and I know where it all came from. I think to myself that it's pretty shitty that she has to get people talking trash about me and even Sue now in order to validate her actions against me in the last year. I think that that's pretty sick. And I do want her to know that if I find out that she had even one millionth of one percent of anything to do with what Shewhoshallnotbenamed had to do with hurting Sue this last week, well, you know baby, karma is a two way street.

I am withdrawing any and all energy I ever put into anything that had to do with anyone or thing other than my immediate family that lives here with me. I personally believe that, karmically speaking, I have learned whatever lessons and been paid back for whatever I may have needed to get paid back for in all previous lives now. And now that I am through taking whatever punishments for things I did in a past life with her, I am withdrawing and now I am letting others get their just rewards for things they did in past lives and are currently doing in this life. I am stepping aside and if you are not in my direct family's line, if I have been protecting you in any way, watch out cause it's all coming down the hill toward you now. The unconditional love is gone and so is the protection that I covered you with so that you wouldn't have shit come against you for all the evil things you did/do to other people.

As for me, I am done. Finished, it's all over. I don't care about anyone or anything anymore except my immediate family. I don't want anyone to get a wrong impression here, I have been feeling this way for sometime now. I don't want any egotistical twirps to get it in their head that I have been sitting here loving them unconditionally, still wishing only the best for them the last 4 months. I haven't. In fact, I have been sending back everything they have done and might still be doing to them. What it is, is that anything they have done or have attempted to do has met up with a very thick and impenetrable wall. So their shit has no recourse but to return to it's source.

The reality is, this is not about revenge, it's about cutting losses and walking as far away from a person and situation as possible. And that includes walls to keep their shit away from you.

Do I wish her the best in life now? I wish her nothing. I do not wish, period. I have walked away and washed my hands. Whatever happens to her happens to her now. And I do not care either, nor will I be putting any energy into what is going to happen with her and her life. I just don't give a rat's ass.

And even when I find out that she has stumbled and her world has been destroyed because of her dishonesty to and betrayals of others, well, I still won't give a rat's ass. I am done with her forever and do not care anymore. So that whole thing I said back in January about welcoming her back with open arms when she finally does confess to everyone for lying about me and apologizing to me for all she did? Not gonna happen. I won't even be there for her to apologize to should that day ever come. All that unconditional shit is gone now.

And how did I get to this point in my spiritual evolution? Well, honestly, it doesn't really matter what painful thing happened in my life that caused me to make this decision. All I can say is that my childhood assessment of humans was very much right on the money when I was seven. Humans are evil and to be avoided at all costs.

I am continually amazed at how many "life"less people there on this planet. I am sorry I have to run in to them more than occassionally. I am sorry she is an asshole with no life honey. And I am sorry you had to go through the pain and anguish of having her lifeless life spewed on you the last few days. Now you know why no one can stand her and she has no real friends. And now you know why for the last 10 years I have warned you about fundie Christians.

In other news, I am still slowly recovering from being sucked dry financially for almost all of last year. The funny thing is, the person she called "Mooch" that she claimed was sucking me dry financially was and is the only person from her family that has ever given me anything of any real value, cash money included. I never once saw her throw a dime my way to keep the propane tank from being taken away. Or for that matter, I never saw her throw a dime of her own money my way period, except for when she got that huge and final child support check from Chuckie and she bought me lunch at Geraldi's in celebration. She also threw $50 bucks toward one of Sue's Christmas presents in November. It was the least thing she could do considering she had been fucking Sue's girlfriend behind her back for most of the winter before and that she was attempting to get back down Sue's girlfriend's pants again at the time.

If she thinks that helping me and Curtis to physically install the new electric hot water heater helped pay me back for the missing propane tank, well, I never would have had to get the electric one if the propane tank was still there. And the electric one cost me money I didn't have to spare anymore than I had money to spare to pay to keep the propane tank here and filled and pay her for 40 hours of work she never worked too. Nope, she never missed a pay check, whether she worked for it or not. That's the closest she will ever come to being on salary.

One day I will be over all these financial problems that I am working to fix now because of my boneheaded need/desire to have an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with another human being. In the meantime, I seeth inside with anger that someone would take that kind of advantage of someone as vulnerable as I was at the time she wrapped her talons around my heart and body. But like any other disease, I will slowly recover and get well. And I am slowly recovering from "her" and her blood sucking ways.

My new found "wealth" that I have from not having the real "mooch" in my life anymore pretty much goes to doctor visits and prescription drugs. I did manage to get my car fixed, but not my work van with the dead transmission. I have no real idea what that is going to entail. I know what's wrong with it, I just don't know what can be done or how much it will cost yet. I think I have the doctor almost paid down for the blood tests. That was $500 bucks. She has tried to give me as much in the way of "free" samples as she can. Unfortunately, my main prescription costs over $200 a month, and seldom does my doctor get free samples of Byetta. You are right, it doesn't have a generic available, so I pay for full price.

I had medical insurance last year that I had bought knowing I was probably going to have some serious medical stuff soon enough. But I had reason to actually use it last July after the accident and I found they paid like a total of $20 bucks for my medical expenses. So my investment of $126 for that first month of insurance netted me $20 worth of real coverage. There was like a thousand and one reasons in their note of explanation of what they covered as to why they weren't covering anything in the accident. None of it had to do with the auto insurance coverage on the accident. The auto insurance doesn't cover doctor visits that are a result of the accident, they won't be paying for any of that until after the suit is settled. So that comes out of my pocket. It should have been coming out of my insurance company's pocket, but it's not and it never will. They literally paid $20 to my doctor and that was that. I guess it was just luck that gave me a reason to use that insurance before I paid for several months of it just to find out they don't cover a damn thing. What did I expect for $126 bucks a month anyway?

So anyway, I have no medical coverage and I am having to pay for all my medical by my self. I was kind of figuring that my medical would be around $200 a month, prescriptions included. I was kind of budgeting for that. It's been a bit more than that, but I just keep plugging away and paying the doctor as much as I can each visit. The drugs come first because I have to have them no matter what. I am not sure what I am going todo when I run out of the expensive stuff in a week or so as I don't really have that extra $208 for it right now. The electric bill is due so that has got to be paid first. That's $400 bucks (sucks to have an electric hotwater heater and have to use space heaters because you can't use your propane furnace). Luckily this will be the last over $400 electric bill for a while. They will drop down to around $200 for a while. And hopefully by the time the cold sets in again, we will have propane and can use that heat to warm the house instead. Propane is going to cost $1000 to get a new tank installed and filled part way.

Also, business is picking up and I am working my ass off to get things back to some semblance of normalacy around here. I still need to get the riding mower fixed and the shower fixed really soon. The shower will probably come first as I can probably do that myself. My physical strength has declined dramatically in this last year so I am not sure if I can actually get the spout to come off myself. But if I can't, I will go grab Dave next door for a moment to losen it for me. I can probably get that whole shower issue fixed for under $30 bucks.

The lawn mower has to be towed to Berryville no matter what. I can't find anyone who can figure out how to get the steering column off it. If I could get it apart, I could probably fix it myself. I just can't get the darned thing apart. And no one else can figure it out either (I have had several very strong and able mechanic types try to get it apart, so I know it's not just me). The lock on the screw/bolt just won't let go and allow you to unscrew the damn thing to get to the part that is broken. And no one who has looked at in this last year can figure out why it won't let you unscrew it either. So I am going to just give up and pay the $100 to have the damn thing towed over to Berryville and have them fix it for me. The reason I have not had it fixed is because I have not had a spare $100 to have the SOB towed to Berryville. The repair will probably be minimal. Probably less than $100, it's the damn towing it there because I don't have a trailer or know anyone with a trailer that is the problem.

Now "she"' and I were going to buy a trailer last year from Sensie. I am not sure if that trailer is still around. We were gonna buy that trailer for two reasons. One was that I could get my lawn mower towed to Berryville and two was so that we had something to go pick up autobody parts with. I thank god that she still does not have a truck or a trailer to pick autobody parts with. And even if she had the trailer, she has no vehicle with a hitch to pull it anyway. Ha ha... this is payback in my eyes. There are some things she was unable to get out of me financially. Mainly that is because the money began to dry up near the end there. Life's a bitch and then you suck your money well dry and have to move on. Don't let the door hit you on the way out bitch.

I just remembered one last little thing I have to repair/buy that I was unable to repair/buy last year because I had no money to do it with. The microwave. I need a new fucking microwave. I had a new microwave but it died just after the warranty was up. Walmart might have taken it back had they had another one just like it to trade for, but of course they don't carry that brand anymore so I am stuck with a dead microwave and the need for a new one. They have what I want at Lowes, so I will go there in a few weeks to get a new microwave. This one Sue got at the Doggie Shop for $5 bucks is from like 1985. It's become nearly our only way to cook. Now that it has warmed up we have the grill outside, so we can grill chicken and such. I will sure be happy when we have a new propane tank and we can cook on the stove again. Cooking in a 1985 Litton Microwave is really not fun I assure you. Litton, are they still around?

Ok, I have to leave for work now. Today was rant day as I am upset about all the shit that has happened to Sue the last few days. Part of it is her fault (just like "she" is technically my fault), but part of it is the psycho Christian fuck who has gotten in her face and decided to fuck with her because Sue won't give her "control" of this thing she has wanted these last few years.

So the bitch made me remember all the shit I am faced with now because of my own poor choices in the recent past. Which made me bitch.... <grin>.

Ok, I am off to work now. Ciao everyone!