Strange Fire

The very first time I heard the Indigo Girls, it was Strange Fire. The title cut happens to be the first song on that tape. I didn't know what to think, they simply blew me away.

Suzanne turned me on to the Indigo Girl, back in 1989. She thought they rocked, so naturally I had to run right out and buy both releases they had out in 1989. That would have been Strange Fire and Indigo Girls, Indigo Girls.  

I never even heard Suzanne play them before I ran out and bought them (I ran directly to Tower that evening after she told me about them, did not pass go, did not collect $200).  In 1989, I was still in love with Suzanne, so if she told me that dog shit was excellent as an after dinner aperitif I would have run out and bought it and drank it happily.

But the Indigo Girls simply blew me away. I fell in love with Emily's music instantly. Here I had thought I was going to impress Suzanne with my Indigo Girl knowledge (Suzanne was the reason I read many a book back in my youth too, I surely wanted to be able to "talk shop" with her, hell I read Gone With the Wind 7 times just so that I could quote full passages for her with some authority.)

At any rate, I fell in love with Emily's poetry and musical wanderings.  I took and take Amy with a grain of salt, after all, she is what adds to the total over all ambiance of the Indigo Girls (oh yeah and she named the group too). 

I thank Suzanne greatly, she gave me a whole world to discover with the IG.

Come Out of Her

Hey check this out, this was Vic's (of Rachie and Ally's father fame) band. I was doing a google search for the kids tonight hoping to find something about them and Vic came up instead.

http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/nre/Fraction.html

So I wrote them a letter hoping to find out something, anything. For all I know this is dead. Who would have thunk that all these years later that Vic's band would be hanging around as a collectors item. Btw, I have an original (as in the first 200 pressed) copy of Moonblood. Interestingly enough, Vic used to have 2 boxes of 50ea of these suckers sitting around in the garage.

Fraction: Los Angeles. xian hard psych. superb howling Morrisonesque vocals from Jim Beach, dual fuzz, satanic concerns (anti- of course!). recorded live-in-studio at Whitney Studios in Glendale, California.

lp (71, Angelus wr-5005; die-cut cover with red plastic window, inner sleeve, 2 inserts; 200 pressed) Moonblood [4 *]

-- The red plastic window in the cover allows the moon on the inner sleeve to be visible.

lp (8-, Angelus, Austria; bootleg, 385 pressed) Moonblood

-- this reissue uses the back cover of the original as the front cover.

cd (93, Flashback, UK) Moonblood

lp (95, Angelus; bootleg; die-cut cover with red plastic window, moon insert, red vinyl) Moonblood [1]

lp (95, Angelus; bootleg; die-cut cover with red plastic window, moon insert, black vinyl) Moonblood [1]

cd (00?, Rockaway cd-01231; +3 tracks) Moonblood

Boy's justa wanna have fun un....

Sex is great when you are young and have raging hormones. Sex in middle age however, is definitely something different. First off, like most things in life, you have probably learned to savor it and hopefully make it last a long time.

Second, you have hopefully learned how to cook well and know what ingredients need to be (or optionally can be) added to sex that make it an even greater experience for all parties involved. 

There is so much kink in my sex that I think it's really the other way around. There's sex in my kink. There's very little I won't do with another consenting adult.  I do have limits, but my kink partners know what they are well ahead of the game. Limits involve, but are not limited to: anything having to do with animals, children and waste products of biological human and animal origin. That's right, I refuse to have cow's milk poured over me during play.  Oh yeah I forgot, you cannot restrict my breathing in any way (I have medical issues around this one).

There is such a thing as making love though and making love does not always involve kink. I have to say though that as a life long lover and explorer of kink, even making love still has some kink involved.  For me, kink seldom involves the same feelings as making love. For me making love is exactly that: the process of making "love".  Pure kink does have emotions involved, but they don't usually come close to the ones I am feeling when I am showing someone how deeply I feel passionate love for them. Making love is much like making art or music to me. It's something I seldom get to do. Maybe because when making love there is a vulnerability there that, if you are being real, is hard to hide. The same can be said of a D/s relationship, lots of vulnerability going on there.

I personally tend to be guarded period. Which is probably why I enojoy a good D/s relationship. I can let my guard down, be vulnerable and turn around after play and not have to marry that person.

But that's just me, what's your story Gertrude?

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa

Once,as my heart remembers,
all the stars were fallen embers.
Once, when night seemed forever,
I was with you.

How far are we from morning,
how far we are,
and the stars shining
through the darkness,
falling in the air.

Once in the care of morning,
in the air was all belonging,
once when the day was dawning,
I was with you.

Once, as the night was leaving,
into us our dreams were weaving.
Once all dreams were worth keeping.
I was with you.

Once when our hearts were singing,
I was with you.

It's a hard knock life for us...

When Sue and I had been together for about 6 months, she asked if I would teach her to be my boy. I can't tell you how that made me feel inside. The joy I felt at those words melted me completely. If I had not been totally in love with her by then, that was unmistakably the point where I fell utterly beyond salvation in love with her.

The truth is, I was already hopelessly in love with her.  She knows what made me fall in love with her. I hadn't even met her yet when I fell in love with her.

At any rate, I started with some very basics with her. She did well for a while and then somewhere along the way I think she got bored. Actually, I think she realized that she liked being a bottom and not a boy.  This meant she just wanted someone to beat her when she felt like it. Like everything else, I decided that since I was in love with her and she was my partner that I had little choice in her decision (although I did protest a bit). 

I didn't stop loving her, it just caused me to feel a certain sense of loss, a sadness if you will. I got over it though, I have managed to get over lots of things with Sue. There has always been a real letting go of things I thought were important when it came to Sue. She's a great teacher for me. Obviously I need what she teaches me or I still wouldn't be here getting my lessons in on a daily basis. In May I will have known Sue 7 years. In August, we will have lived together for that amount of time as lovers. Amazing. Sometimes I feel such love for her it is hard to contain it. But somehow I do. Somehow I manage to not say how much I love her to her. Sue doesn't do emotions or displays of affection well. So I respect that and keep it to myself.

We're here, we're queer, get used to it!

Yes there are queers in Arkansas. And yes, we actually invite other queers here to visit us. Check it out.

http://www.eurekapride.com/

http://www.eurekasprings.com/

A boy sings

Beat, beat, heart, beat
blasting in my, in my,
soul, on down, down
to that place

Am I yearning for you,
for your hand,
heavy in me, beat
on down on me

Who has held my heart,
tender and easily torn, torn and
broken, broken in
two

Look in the mirror,
your'e lovely, love
More beautiful than fierce
more ravishing than the 
sting I feel now

As you burn me,
burn my skin,
fire my soul,
rip fresh flesh

Taking me down, down
for you

Like a candle in the wind

Somewhere in the middle of my 24th and 25th years of life, I was busy raising two kids that didn't belong to me. I eventually had to let them go back into the universe because circumstances dictated that my time being their primary caregiver was up. All of that was very painful for me as I loved them as if they were my own flesh and blood. It was equally hard on them since I basically had them dumped on me 24/7 for close to two years.  Their names were Rachael and Allyson Hemme and I loved them beyond words. They are both in their mid to late 20s now. I have not seen them since they were around 6 and 8 years of age. They were 18 months and 3 years old when they became my wards, my children, my heart. They were who taught me about real love, unconditional love.

There couldn't have been two children more different in temperament than those two sisters. Rachael was the quiet one. She seldom spoke out or did anything truly naughty. Ally on the other hand was one hell of a ball of fire. She was as different from Rachie as night is from day. Ally was constantly in trouble for one thing or another. What I wouldn't give for one more day with them as young children, so innocent, so brilliant, so loving, so trusting.

We had a pretty neat thing going there for close to 18 months. Just me and the kids. Terri was always off with her guy of the month when she wasn't working. Victor was busy being an asshole (he was very good at that too), so he was seldom around and seldom had the kids over to his place. Terri had invited me to come live with her and the kids in return for my taking care of them while she was at work (she worked at night at a club owned by the people who owned the Hamburger Hamlette, I don't even remember the name of it now). After she started working she just kind of disappeared for days on end. So it just fell to me to be the grown up and take care of the kids. I knew nothing about children. I never wanted children and never actually liked them much either. This was a whole new experience for me.

Like a candle in the wind (cont)

I had come to live there because I needed to be away from the life I had been living. It was filled with way too much sex, drugs and rock n roll. I was in such emotional pain and my mind so blown by life that by the time I arrived there, I was a kind of walking zombie. I had been in unrequited love with someone for the better part of 2 years by then and I was so screwed up over that, I needed something completely different and Terri's home and the kids offered that to me. I don't know what I thought I was getting into, but it surely didn't turn out to be what I actually received in the end. What I actually received was far more than I ever gave or envisioned I was going to have to give.

Terri was seldom home, so it was pretty much Rachie, Ally and I, 99% of the time. I took them to school, picked them up, prepared their dinner, fed them, bathed them, read books to them, sang to them, played with them, rubbed their backs, scared off monsters in their room, let them come crawl in bed with me when they were scared, cleaned their house, did their laundry, mowed their lawn, fed and cared for their animals, took them off on little outings and was, well, their mother for all that time. Even their preschool teachers did not know I was not their mother (they had just assumed I was and after a while I gave up trying to correct them). I will never forget Rachie's first day in kindergarten. It was as if I was sending my own child off to school for the first time. And that was because I was. By then, she had become my own child in my heart and there was no taking that away from me.

Like a candle in the wind (cont)

What those two little girls did for me in my 18 plus months as their primary care giver was, they taught me how to love again. I was broken when I came to their home to live and care for them. By the time I left, I had learned to trust again. I learned to love again. I learned what real love was. I know they have no idea that they did that for me. I can imagine that they probably don't even remember me anymore.

A few months before Victor decided to marry again, he got a huge house with 5 bedrooms and a back apartment that was attached to the house. That back apartment became my room. It was conveniently right next to the girl's rooms. He basically told Terri that he was taking the girls and letting her have her freedom to do as she pleased with no responsibilities at all. This wasn't such a bad idea as what little time Terri did spend at home she was coked out of her mind and was a raving lunatic around the children. Her mere presence made them crazy. I hated it when Terri actually came home. She would scream at them and make them cry hysterically.

So when Victor proposed this to me (the house and my own apartment), I said yes. That was all he needed to get Terri to agree to let him take the kids to this new home. In many ways I felt I had betrayed Terri, but I didn't know what else to do for the girls. Terri's serious and daily drug usage had made her totally irresponsible. There were seriously dangerous drugs and all kinds of not cool shit going on in that house by then. I think Ally finding one of Terri's boyfriend's loaded handguns tucked under the mattress was the turning point where I felt that this was no longer safe or cool for the kids to be there. Something had to happen to give the girls an environment that was safe and drug free. I did betray Terri, but it was not out of malice. I just did not know how to save her and keep the children out of harms way at the same time.

Like a candle in the wind (cont)

I should mention here that Victor and I were business partners too. We moved the business into the office of that huge house and I ran the business and took care of the kids while Victor was out screwing around having fun with his girlfriend. I at least made a salary running the business, but I had made that salary before we moved into that place. Suddenly however, my work load increased because Vic just dumped everything on me to go play. Theoretically we had a third business partner, Vic's best friend Jim, but Jim showed up for his pay check and that was pretty much all I ever saw of or heard from him. At think by that time Jim literally was just picking up a pay check and not doing anything of any real value in the business.

The first few nights after we moved into the new house, it was as if things hadn't changed much. Victor became Terri in that he was never home. He was always out with his girlfriend (who later became his wife) and the kids and I were in the exact same head space as always, we just lived some place different.

What prompted this whole story was my memory of the second night there in that house. Victor had bought the girls their own brand new bedroom sets and for the first time in their whole lives, they no longer shared a room with each other. Rachie was good after that first night, she slept through the night with no problem at all. But Ally was a whole other story. The first night she cried until she passed out. No amount of my rubbing her back, or rocking her or singing to her or anything consoled her enough to go to sleep. I hadn't gotten any sleep that first night and I was really looking forward to some sleep the next night.

Like a candle in the wind (cont)

But Ally had other feelings about that. I put Rachie to bed and she went right to sleep, then came Ally's turn. She went to bed, but there was no making her sleep. Every time I tried to go off to my room to sleep, she would begin to cry within a few minutes and not stop.  Not just a whimper and fake tears, this was all very real to her little 3 year old mind and heart. Finally after a good hour of this, I went in for the last time bound and determined that she was going to go to sleep. I had tried everything, even laying with her in her bed and pretending to go to sleep and then leaving when I thought she was asleep. Nothing had worked, she would wake right back up and start wailing again.

When I went in there for that last time, I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that I was at my wits end. I was pissed off and so tired that I stood there telling her that if she didn't go to sleep right now I was going to spank her. This made her burst into an hysterical, uncontrollable, grief stricken crying jag. Even in the stupidity of my youth I knew this was the cry of someone grief stricken to the core. It was not an "I don't want to go to sleep now." cry. This was a broken heart.

I sat down on the bed with her and took her in my arms and asked her what was wrong. She just kept crying. I stroked her and rubbed her little back and rocked her back and forth, cooing to her to try to help her regain control. Finally I took her face in my hands and asked her again why she was so hurt, what hurt to badly?  She looked up at me with her big huge blue eyes filled with tears and said "I just want someone to love me." That was not the voice of a small child saying those words, it was the voice of a highly intelligent being who knew exactly what they needed and wanted, it was very basic, very human, very mature for a 3 year old to make such a heartfelt cry to someone. Well, that was it for me, I fell apart, my heart melted and broken in two. I pulled her up into my arms and held her tight to me and said "Oh, Ally, I love you, I love you, with all my heart." I began to cry with her for her large and tender broken heart.

Like a candle in the wind (cont)

I knew her story well. She was the unwanted child, Terri had never wanted either one of these children, but Ally was especially unwanted. Vic had forced her to have this last child. He thought it would settle her down and make her become the good wife and mother he wanted. It didn't work and Terri finally threw Vic out and that was when I came back into Vic and Terri's life and entered the picture of raising their children. (I might want to note here that Terri was a roommate of mine in my Mother's commune, right after I was out of high school. When Vic and she were married at the end of 72, I moved in with them a few months later in March of 73. I lived with them until I met Pat and we moved in together. Terri is 7 days younger than I am, her birthday is 5-28-54)

I knew every intimate detail of their lives. I knew how Terri really felt about the children (she loved them but was very angry over them). I knew too much, which is why my tears flowed so freely for Ally. I also knew what it felt like to be the unwanted child. My mother had not wanted me either. I knew the ache of feeling unloved. Holding that child and crying with her over something neither of us could control was an epiphany for me.

Ally was metaphorically a lot like me. The unwanted wild child, the one who was head strong and did as she pleased through whatever means necessary. Here were two wild unwanted children, a generation apart, holding on to each other for dear life, crying with each other. Ally finally fell asleep while we cried. I laid her down and tucked her in and then I crawled in next to her and fell asleep holding my little unwanted wild child.

I learned a lot from those two children. I often wonder how they are. Rachie I am not so worried about. But I wonder how Ally is doing. Is she happy? Did she ever (will she ever) find someone to just love her?  Because in the end, that was all we both really wanted, to just have someone that really loved us. It wasn't too much to ask.

Do you know what I mean, have your eyes really seen?

I think the last album I bought of Elton John's was Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.  Captain Fantastic was Elton John's first critical flop. The critics panned it. I am sure he still sold billions of copies. By then there were enough of us who were so hooked that we would buy anything he produced.

If you know me well, you will know what my two all time favorite EJ songs are. They are both off the same album even. Don't get me wrong, there are many other EJ songs I love, these two just happen to be my absolute favorites.  I will recite for you the short one here. The other one is too long to post on an AOL blog. The other one is Indian Sunset. God I hate AOL.

Goodbye, Elton John and Bernie Taupin

And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
I'll shine only when it starts to rain

And if you want a drink
Just squeeze my hand
And wine will flow into the land
And feed my lambs

For I am a mirror
I can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon

I'm sorry I took your time
I am the poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away, I'll waste away
I'll waste away, I'll waste away
I'll waste away, I'll waste away

Ghost

Ghost

There’s a letter on the desktop
That I dug out of a drawer
The last truce we ever came to
In our adolescent war
And I start to feel the fever
From the warm air through the screen
You come regular like seasons
Shadowing my dreams

And the mississippi’s mighty
But it starts in minnesota
At a place that you could walk across
With five steps down
And I guess that’s how you started
Like a pinprick to my heart
But at this point you rush right through me
And I start to drown

And there’s not enough room
In this world for my pain
Signals cross and love gets lost
And time passed makes it plain
Of all my demon spirits
I need you the most
I’m in love with your ghost
I’m in love with your ghost

Dark and dangerous like a secret
That gets whispered in a hush
(don’t tell a soul)
When I wake the things I dreamt about you
Last night make me blush
(don’t tell a soul)
And you kiss me like a lover
Then you sting me like a viper
I go follow to the river
Play your memory like a piper

And I feel it like a sickness
How this love is killing me
I’d walk into the fingers
Of your fire willingly
And dance the edge of sanity
I’ve never been this close
I’m in love with your ghost

Unknowing captor
You never know how much you
Pierce my spirit
But I can’t touch you
Can you hear it
A cry to be free
Oh I’m forever under lock and key
As you pass through me

Now I see your face before me
I would launch a thousand ships
To bring your heart back to my island
As the sand beneath me slips
As I burn up in your presence
And I know now how it feels
To be weakened like achilles
With you always at my heels

This bitter pill I swallow
Is the silence that I keep
It poisons me I can’t swim free
The river is too deep
Though I’m baptized by your touch
I am no worse than most
In love with your ghost

You are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)

Though I am baptised by your touch.....

I am listening to the Indigo Girls again (there's a real shocker!). It appears I have been one busy beaver (no pun intended) the last few days. When I step back and look at the last 3 days, well, I can say with all honesty that I have been busier than all get out. Although I didn't intend this, I have been gone from home since Monday afternoon. I ended up in Oklahoma running an errand with the boy (I make good company, not!). I think the boy found out just how quiet I can actually get (never make me do something early in the morning, I do not begin to actually function until at least noon if not later). 

I went to the Mistress and boy's house last night and spent the night with their evil cat on the futon. Actually, Evil Cat was a pretty good bed partner once he decided that my arm was not a late night snack. I decided that it was best if I went there and spent the night so that I didn't have to get up so damn early and drive over to Bentonville. I figure I probably got at least an extra hour of sleep doing that. The reality is, I probably got 4 extra hours sleep by doing that since we all passed out around 10:30. Ky (The one and only most beloved Mistress) is an early to bed, early to rise kind of person. I personally am a vampire and turn to dust at the sight of sunlight. I figured since she would retire early that I would end up retiring early also and hey, guess what? I was right, that is precicely what happened.

I got home around 10 tonight from this excursion, which is not bad, I honestly thought Audey (my dear boy) and I would not be home until way after midnight. Sue (my darling espousa) was sleep sitting up at the desk waiting for me to get home. It's always nice to have my honey sitting there waiting, eyelids at half mast, happily greeting me when I drag through the front door.

Ok, I am so through with today... Ky is bound and determined to make me into a day time kind of person (this is cruel and unusual punishment). I am actually feeling like I am way past my bedtime when in all actuallity I am an hour away from it. Really Mistress, I appreciate all you do for me, seriously I do. I don't know where I would be without all the TLC you have lavished on me the last few months. I sincerely thank you Mistress.

Grrrr.......

Today is not looking good so far. Today started out with me waking up at at 2 am and not being able to go back to sleep. I was a little sick in the lower regions. It kept me up until almost 5. Then I got awakened at 7 by a customer who really doesn't need me right then and there, but calls me none the less to make sure I know that I have to go fix their front door by 7 or 8 tonight went they actually do need to lock their damn business up. Now why he couldn't have waited until 9 or 10 to call and tell me that I don't know. But he now has pushed me over the edge into foul territory. 

I still have to go out and fix his friggen lock somehow, someway. They have high security locks on their doors. Not even the banks around here have high security locks. They do, they are a super market. Why they have $300 a pop locks on their doors I will never know. As far as I am concerned, some contractor sold those owners a bill of goods that they paid through the nose for.

Each lock has a grand master, a master, and then each door has it's own key. These are all like Assas (or something equally over priced and grandious) which here in Carroll County is pretty obscure. There might be several million in NYC, but here in "we have no crime to speak of" Carroll County, they are unnecessary and total over kill.

I don't even have keyblanks in stock for the obscurity of their locks. Since this is a lock malfunction, I will have to shim the sucker open, tear it apart and try to figure out how to make it function on their existing keys.  If I were a locksmith in NYC this would be a piece of cake since I would probably do 20 locks like this on a daily basis. Here in Carroll County, I do a lot of Schlage and KwikSet and the occasional antique Yale. I have no way to code an Assa, have no idea how to pin one (but I am going to find out how today) and this will probably take me close to 3 hours (the learning curve at work here) and I can't charge them for those hours other than the initial 2 hours you get in a service call. I will end up eyeballing the whole thing and hoping it all works when I put it back together again.

So say a novina for me or something. I am off now to beat my head against their walls in the cold trying to fix their lock.

Wise men say, only fools

I've been sitting here thinking about existentialism (and consequently, existentialist philosophers and writers of the 19th and 20th centuries) for the last hour or so. The problem I have with philosophers of the last 500 years or so is that they almost exclusively come from the European intellectual elite and most were born into something other than poverty and abject physical toil as their existance.

It is easy to sit around and expound on the merits of the individual and his ultimate responsibilities to himself and the world around him when you do not have to worry about where your next meal is coming from. If nothing else, these people, if not possessing their own wealth, became the babbles of the wealthy aristocracy. If you are a kept intellectual concubine, it's relatively easy to sit around day to day and expound for their pleasure.

Perhaps I see these men (and yes, they were mostly men) in a different light than the artists and musicians of their day. Although most of them were trinkets of the wealthy who sustained them, at least the common man can hear a wafting of Bach and be moved in his soul, or glance upon Edvard Munch's work and say to himself, I see me in that face. I often wonder if Mr. Munch is turning in his grave knowing that his most famous piece has become a Halloween mask because of a horror movie. I am sure that Ed was not only an expressionist, but also an existentialist, if nothing more than at cocktail parties. Had he not lived with such abject emotional depression, he might actually find this amusing.

I remember the first time I heard the word existentialism. It was from Sue Winchester who had decided at age 17 that she was an existentialist. I decided that she must be right as she had won that full scholarship to USC and I had nothing more than pell grants to sustain me. Of course, 6 months later, she was in Camarillo doing time for being a paranoid schizophrenic. So much for the ultimate individual and his ultimate responsibilities to himself eh?

Johnny is marching home (well, flying)

The boy is out of the Army forever today. Yahoo (not the website)!!!!!! This whole thing has been a fucking nightmare that he is finally going to be able to wake up from. Hopefully things will settle down for him in his life now and he can get on with it without any further bullshit placed on him. I know there will be bullshit in his life (there always is) but at least he will have better control over it all. I may get to see him tomorrow, don't know yet. Ky goes to pick him up tonight in Tulsa.

Welcome home my boy. Know that your Daddy loves you beyond words and is very happy to finally have you home for good. I know your girlfriend feels the same way, but for different reasons <grin>. You are my sweet boy and I love you dearly. I look forward to many a fishing trip with you and some side trips to the woodshed <eg>.

Let my people go....

End of day thoughts.

I am not the same person I was 40 or 30 or 20 or even 10 years ago. I am however, the same being. I am not sure if that being evolves or not. I think it learns, it absorbs information, knowledge based on my "person"al experiences. What it does with it I am not sure. Why it continues to come back again and again to continue this human experience I am not sure of either.

That it goes on after my flesh is gone I am sure of. I however know for certain that it's not off to "heaven" or "hell". I am pretty sure it goes away from the consciousness of this physical human existance. I know that when this body perishes, this human mind (these memories and experiences) will be aborbed into it's collective beingness. It will become one with all the other human experiences it has endured.

This does not give me some glorious hope, nor does it depress me. It just is. There is no polarization of thought, no good or bad, right or wrong, black or white. It just is. The more my human mind grasps this concept, the easier it is to let go of culture and human belief systems. This does not bring a fatalistic view of human existance, if anything, it gives me a peace about all that I experience here. It also give me a desire to experience things I would not have had otherwise. More, it gives me the courage to do and experience all that I would have otherwise been too afraid to experience. It frees me, blows the prison doors wide open.

History of us

This is my favorite Indigo Girls song, once again, thank you Emily.

I went all the way to paris to forget your face
Captured in stained glass, young lives long since passed
Statues of lovers every place
I went all across the continent to relieve this restless love
I walked through the ruins, icons of glory
Smashed by the bombs from above

So we must love while these moments are still called today
Take part in the pain of this passion play
Stretching our youth as we must, until we are ashes to dust
Until time makes history of us

Jeu de paume’s full of faces knowing peace, knowing strife
Leisure and toil, still it’s canvas and oil
There’s just no medium for life
In the midst of the rubble I felt a sense of rebirth
In a dusty cathedral the living God called
And I prayed for my life here on earth

So we must love while these moments are still called today
Take part in the pain of this passion play
Stretching our youth as we must, until we are ashes to dust
Until time makes history of us

There are mountains in switzerland, brilliant cold as they stand
From my hotel room, watching the half-moon
Bleeding it’s light like a lamb
And the town is illumined, it’s tiny figures are fast asleep
And it dawns on me the time is upon me
To return to the flock I must keep

So we must love while these moments are still called today
Take part in the pain of this passion play
Stretching our youth as we must, until we are ashes to dust
Until time makes history of us

Watershed? What watershed?

Up on the watershed
Standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony’s your heaviest load
You’ll never fly as the crow flies
Get used to a country mile
When you’re learning to face
The path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while

I am not getting used to a country mile btw Emily. How about you?

Guardian angels God will send thee

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,
I my loving vigil keeping
All through the night.

My mother once sang that song to me as a lullaby when I was a wee tad.   Now I sit here listening to it over and over again (that playlist thing, see below). It soothes me, comforts me, deep within my spirit. I am almost 50 years old and yet my mother's lullabies still persist as a comfort.

Unlike many people, I do not have a comfort food (well maybe Thai food, but I learned that as an adult). I have comfort music. I am the savage beast and music that balm which soothes me. Debbie knew this about me. She used it when I was in foul moods. A little Mozart and I become serenity. She knew one other thing about me too, something that no other person has ever known. Touch me, tenderly, gently, no matter how angry I am, I calm down instantly.  She knew what it took to diffuse my violent rages. 

I miss Debbie. I miss the life we had together. It's been 14 years since that fucking disease took her and 7 years since she died. I still grieve. The tears still flow. See what a sentimental fuck I am Ky? I miss her gentle touch, the way she loved me so passionately. Our first grandchild is coming and my joy is bittersweet. She so wanted grandchildren. We used to talk about the day we had grandchildren to spoil together. Now, only I get to spoil them. I will not be alone, she will be there in spirit.

Still, it does not console my aching heart. Her greatest joy, she will never know. I weep through this smile. As long as I have breath, I am a living memorial to all you were and are.. until I am ashes.

When I am old, I shall be the anarchist I meant to be in my youth. When I am old, I shall laugh and love and weep openly with no shame. When I am old I will look back at my life with a fullness I could not have imagined in my youth.

Sleep my child and piece attend thee

I fall in love with certain pieces of music and I tend to listen to them over and over again. If I have bothered to buy a CD containing such a hapless piece, I will download it and then stick it on a playlist and listen to it repeatedly.  I don't just stick it on a playlist, I stick it on a playlist like 10 times so I can hear it that many times in a row.  I will listen to that same playlist over and over again too.  Then one day, out of the blue, I get bored of it and poof, it's history for however long until I discover it anew and decided I want to listen to it again.

I think that is how I kind of do life too.  Relationships in particular. Unfortunately most people do not appreciate being the piece I want to hear this week repeatedly. The truth is, music and people are a lot alike to me. They are complex works of great beauty, created uniquely by the universe.  I know this for fact because I have created both things. 

It's too bad that AOL thinks so lowly of it's members that they only allow for 2500 characters per post. I don't feel like going through hell to come up with a dissertation on my theory on people and music at the moment.

So I guess that is all for today.

Love is all, love is new, love is all, love is you

It's snowing softly outside right now. We awakened to this. It was a surprise. The Mistress is waiting for the roads to clear before she ventures out to work.

This is the conversation with the Mistress:

TheEunuchHorn [7:54 AM]:  How is the snow there?
PnDragon7 [7:54 AM]:  White and fluffy <grin>
PnDragon7 [7:58 AM]:  I was going to say I really couldn't answer for the snow, you would have to ask it, but I decided not to....
TheEunuchHorn [7:58 AM]:  <looks over my glasses at you>

She has the patience of Job.

I remember a late winter's gentle snow once. In a cottage, by a lake, with my beloved.  We stood on the deck at evening time as it gently started to flurry. It was magical. We were enchanted, mainly with each other.  That wasn't the night we exchanged rings though. It was just enchanted. The whole evening, from the dinner I made us, to the overflowing bubbles in the Jacuzzi, to the massage by the fire place, it was simply enchanting.  I have never been so in love before or since. Never so totally enchanted with another being. 

Some enchanted evening, when you find your true love
when you hear her call you across a crowded room,
then fly to her side and make her your own
or all thru your life you may dream all alone!

Once you have found her,
never let her go!

You gotta love Rogers and Hammerstein. They wrote the kind of music that makes people do neurotic things. Like try to never let her go when she feels compelled to go.  Better to dream all alone than to be psychotically neurotic you know? Better to let your (insert metaphor here) fly away and be free you know?

Tomorrow I'll miss you

More Beatles tunes

In My Life
(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Lead Vocal: John Lennon

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

When I'm 64

There are a couple of nice things about growing older. One, you can look back at your youth and see what a complete idiot you were and know that people who were the age you are now when you were young were laughing their asses off at what an idiot you were. Two, you are now that person laughing their ass off at all the little idiots.

It's not that youth is so stupid, contrare, like any generation all youth have their brilliant and not so brilliant ones among them. Each one has those among them who seem older and wiser than their years as well as those who seem to have a serious case of arrested development. My personal opinion is, these same people change little as they age. Those who seem wiser only grow wiser and those who are not so wise need two by fours slammed upside their heads occasionally to get a clue.

I always thought I fell halfway into the latter catagory.  Well, at least when I opened my mouth and made what I considered some profound statement about life anyway. For some reason (probably because I felt so incredibly inferior to others) I kept my mouth shut a lot and just listened.

I tended not to listen to the warnings of my parent's generation, instead I looked to people 10 to 15 years older than me. That would have been people around John Lennon's age. I really believed these people had all the answers to life and that they would be forth coming with answers shortly.  I began to believe they were withholding answers because I never got any responses to my queries except for the proverbial, "You'll just have to experience it, I can't explain it".

There is this woman I know. She is 60 years old. She is 11 years older than I am. I think she is so fricking HOT!. She was a hippy back in the 60's. I look at her and see that she still has questions about life. Something about her appeals to me. I wonder if she ever just needs to be held occasionally. She has this ageless grace about her. I have wondered what just laying there stroking her face in the after glow would be like. Stroking tenderly the lines of her life etched in her face.

All you need is love

http://www.contemplator.com/wales/allnight.html

I am sappy and sentimental. I keep it to myself most of the time. For years I stuffed every emotion except anger down. I still had all these other emotions, I just kept them shoved way down inside. Then I realized that life is way too frickin short to not experience everything you possibly can.  I determined to allow myself to experience everything as fully as possible, including my own feelings, emotional, physical, spiritual, whatever.

This decision to fully experience things ocurred when I sat there watching my friend Randy Stewart dying from complications from AIDS. At the time Randy was my age, 36 years old. Randy never saw 37. I did. This was the year 1990. AIDS (with it's given name) had been around for the better part of 8 years. But then so had Ronald Reagan and GHW Bush.

At any rate that day at Randy's side, the day before he died, I made the choice to fully experience life. I stopped forcing myself not to feel anymore. I started letting myself do things I had never allowed myself to do before. Which btw, accounts for a lot of my behaviour in the last 14 years.

I have been fed a lot of grief over the years for all this. But honestly, I don't truly give a shit. This time, and for all I know the first time, in any life time and definitely in this life time, I am experiencing all that my senses can absorb. I am also fully aware of my own beingness, which is something I was never in touch with before either. And I found something not easily put into words. I found unconditional love.

Boy, you're gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time

and in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love

you make

I've found that love was more, than just holding hands

If you think I am not thinking of you constantly,
If you feel I am not enamoured with you,
That you are not the center of my world
You would be wrong
The depths with which I hold you in my heart
Are unfathomable

It feels so natural to just feel love for you
Maybe because I am not feeling pushed
Not forced to be something to someone that I am not
No pressure to fake things
It just feels real
And warm
And safe to just be in the moment with the feeling

I know it's your birthday.....

I am not a writer, I do not play one on TV either. I do not play anything on TV, well, except an occasional Ps2 game. I have never even played on top of the TV. I play a Wizard in my own head though.

Sue's birthday is on the 7th. I need to get her something and she keeps telling me not to get her anything cause we can't afford it.  All I want to do is get her something simple like a book, but she won't give me any hints as to what she wants. So I am going to end up getting her a book anyway. What she really needs is front tires for her car (come to think of it, so do I), but that is $200 and I do not have $200 to pay bills let alone buy tires.  The way you know you are married is when you buy your spouse practical gifts. Like household appliances or tires.

At any rate, I hate being in a place financially where I cannot do anything for her for her birthday. As understanding as she is being about the money situation and her birthday, I still feel horrible about it.  I am going to try to take her out for her birthday dinner at least and if I can't afford that, I will make her one hell of a great dinner for her birthday.  Thank god there are no more birthdays for a while.

I'll be your silver spoon

If there's anything that you want
If there's anything I can do
Just call on me and I'll send it along
With love from me to you

I just took a really hot bath hoping it would squelch this increasing pain in my lower back. Now I am going to go meditate and hope that I can send some healing energy down there to fix whatever fucked up last night when I coughed.

The weather is supposed to suck big time tomorrow. This is the first winter that I can remember where I am dreading this coming. For some reason, right now, the cold is really effecting me. I have no internal energy to fight it right now. I am not depressed, just really tired and worn out.  My age is really taking it's toll on my ability to do things I once took for grant it.  I have to fight whatever it is that is sapping my energy reserves. I know a lot of it is stress, but I am so used to stress that I can't understand how it could be effecting me so differently now. I will continue to work on this issue. I must because it is the single worst thing going on for me right now. My physical body is betraying me with it's reactions to all this in my life right now. I who was once so proud and strong physically. I refuse to give it up! I am a strong enduring bull and I cannot be defeated so easily. I refuse!

Living is easy with eyes closed

Apparently I have lost all entries from January. If I go to older entries, everything from January on backwards is gone. Maybe it's just me, maybe AOHell is seeing exactly how much patience I have (right now none).

At any rate, according to my little weather bug here, it's 15 degrees right now. I don't understand, it says the low today is supposed to be 28 and the high 40, how is it that it's 15 now then? Is now not part of today?

I just snorted some Flonase hoping it would help me breathe some. I have been having some serious asthma attacks yesterday and today. I need to not be coughing right about now.

Ok I am outta here for a while.

 

I need my love to be here

Back to fave Beatles songs, here ya go:

Here, There And Everywhere
(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)

To lead a better life I need my love to be here...

Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with the wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I will be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Guess the Beatles song

OK, just for fun, you have to guess which Beatles song each one of thes lines comes out of. We are going to test your Beatles knowledge.

1. Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly

2. Love you every day girl, always on my mind

3. She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry, she no longer needs you

4. Once there was a way to get back homeward

5. She's the kind of girl you want so much, it makes you sorry. Still, you don't regret a single day

Ok, I have to leave for work, so I will do more of these later. The people who guesses the most right wins whatever they want off me except for money.

I'd love to turn you on

OK, so now we are going to play J's favorite Beatles songs. Over a period of time, I am going to post a bunch of Beatles songs that are my favorites. You have to guess which one you think is my favorite. When I am through posting songs I will say it's time to vote on which is my favorite. Ok? Good. These are also in no order of importance to me.

A Day In The Life
(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)
Lead Vocals: John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I read the news today oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords
I saw a film today oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I'd love to turn you on

Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up I noticed I was late
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
Somebody spoke and I went into a dream

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire
And though the holes were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall
I'd love to turn you on

Last night is a night I will remember you by, when I think of things we did, it makes me wanna cry!

I was thrilled with Janet Jackson's tit last night at Super Bowl half time. Had that not already been a great second half of a game, the half time was worth watching alone. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Not too shabby at all. In fact, pretty damn nice actually.

You know, I am a great salesman, due in part to the fact that I can read people pretty well, that and I know what questions to ask and I listen to their answers closely. But when it comes to my personal life, I have a very difficult time reading people's intent. For some reason, even if someone swears on pain of death that they mean this when they say that, I still have deeply held doubts. That could be from years of being lied to by my mother. I guess I learned to never trust anyone who tells you they love you that they really mean it. I also learned at Mom's knee that just because you love someone with all of your being does not mean they are going to love you back.

Maybe this doesn't happen to every kid, but I suspect it does with many, we grow up believing our Mother doesn't really love us. I surely did believe that growning up. I really though Mom did not love me. Fast forwarding into my adult years, Debbie was pretty good friends with my Mom and they would talk for hours about stuff. This was even before Debbie and I were together. Apparently Mom confessed to Debbie (way back before Debbie and I were ever lovers) that she had never loved me as a child. Debbie was trying to console me one night in bed about my mother and her treatment of me when this revelation came out. Debbie let it slip that my Mom had told her she never loved me. I was probably 28 or 29 and this just struck me to the core. I felt mortally wounded, my heart was broken beyond words and I sobbed uncontrollably for sometime that evening. I don't think there are too many other times in my life I have been so heartbroken.

All my fears confirmed, I had not read Mom wrong all those years ago as a child. I had read her as right as you can read another person. Mom taught me to doubt most people's sincerity in my personal relationships. On the other hand, she also taught me to tie my shoe laces, so it all evens out in the end right?

Here, there and everywhere

I really don't have much to say right now. I honestly need to be doing something totally different right now and so, I think I will go do that instead.