I found that peace I sought. I learned forgiveness in a way I never thought possible. To have been able to forgive Alec for all she had done was the ultimate gift to my soul. It freed me forever of the pain and anger that ate at my soul. It forever taught me to let go. It taught me total freedom of spirit forever.

That was the lesson. The reason I was presented all Alec brought into my life. Now I have learned forgiveness. But truly in that I learned far more than to forgive another their transgressions. I learned to surrender. And in surrender freedom of spirit.

I sit here in peace. Knowing a certain serenity I have not ever experienced before. I know what true oneness is now. I know how all things are connected. To the very core of my beingness. I am not the "I" I once believed I was. What I now know is the oneness of my beingness with the All. And though I had experienced oneness before, "I" could not comprehend it. I find "I" fades with each passing moment. Here in the oneness of this moment, "I" is a memory, and I am one with All.

This was the lesson forgiveness taught me. This was the lesson surrender brought. "I" is no longer strong, "I" cannot revel in glory because it thinks it won a battle. "I" did not win anything. "I" diminished that day, in that moment of forgiveness. All anger and pain and suffering ended. "I" simply vanished and I found the real being that I am. I know now that I simply am.

Much has happened in this last 18 months. My life circumstances have changed dramatically. I sit here in silence, listening to nature sing it's nightly spring time song. Occasionally I stop and drink in that power from it. Absorbing the healing it brings.

I am creating a life circumstance that allows me the freedom to be there for others in ways I only dreamed of. My heart reaches out to others, my heart seeks to help heal. Mentor, healer, I prepare to move forward into this period of my life. Heart filled always with love and compassion. "I" not there making me weak. A new life, a clearer vision. Moving onward and upward.

And Alec too heals and moves onward and upward. Son of my soul, spirit I have known from lifetime unto lifetime. You my son are growing and changing with each moment too. One day you shall walk in my foot steps. In ways even you cannot imagine. I am proud of you my son. Hold you in my heart forever, you who called me to you.

The answer is within you. It always has been and always will be....

Peace out....

I am writing because I need to write so that I keep writing. That makes lots of sense to me. It won't make sense to anyone who doesn't have to force themselves to do shit or else they will never do it.

My blood sugar is fucked up. I know because I feel depression coming on. Depression is a sure sign my blood sugar is too high and has been for a while. Someone in this house used up all my test strips, so now I can't check my blood sugar. Test strips are too expensive for poor folk to buy and use on a regular basis. I surely cannot afford them.

So now I am trying to not go into depression. It's hard when it's a biologically based depression. It would be easier to deal with if it were psychological. That I can deal with easily. This however is a failing internal organ that regulates bunches of shit chemically in my body. Hence the depression. Chemically induced by a whacked out hormonal imbalance. Insulin, one of the 3 major hormones in your body. Without it, you cannot live. You can live without estrogen. You can live without progesterone and testosterone, but you cannot live without insulin being produced in balance. Lack of insulin being produced correctly will kill you dead right quick like.

I suppose if I had the choice I would rather have my pancreas be fucked up than my thyroid. Luckily for me my thyroid is just fine. My pancreas however is not happy with me.

So it's time to get to work on fixing this issue before it gets so out of hand that it does kill me.

After all, I really do choose life.

Going where the sun keeps shining, through the pouring rain

I believe that officially, once I moved this blog over here to Blogger, that I lost all my subscribers that were on AOHell. That's cool cause, it makes it so that I am the one and only viewer now. I tend to write far more deeply when I don't have an audience and I know I won't be having an audience in the future.

So yeah, today, there really isn't a whole lot of shit pressing on my mind that needs to get out. Nothing I can put a finger on anyway. I am not feeling particularly introspective at the moment. In fact, other than a low, almost imperceptible general malaise, I am thinking and feeling nothing. Even that general low malaise is nothing other than residual pain and anger from events of the past 3 years I am still working through. So it's nothing new, nothing with a hidden epiphany crying to escape. It's just the same old shit laying there wishing the day would come that it would heal.

Speaking of that healing, as of last Friday, Alec is enjoying fun in the sun and sand in the Middle East. I don't really know how I feel about her going to Iraq. I hope for her sake that going over there does what she hopes it will do for her. I know she is not going to come home to a girlfriend (or a car and possibly even a house). In a way, that bothers me. Despite the shit she has pulled on so many people in her life, especially recently, I still don't want to see her have to pay back all that karmic debt by losing everything she cares about in her life.

Of course, at the ancient age of 35, I lost everything I cared about. Everything but my car and my kid. I was at least as hard headed as she is, maybe even more so. I also didn't do the kinds of karmically laden things that she has done either. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I also wasn't running around fucking people over on purpose just to get what I wanted. In fact, by the time I was 25, I was trying for all I was worth not to fuck anyone else over, even on accident. I realize that I still fucked people over, but once I found out the err of my ways, I tried to fix what I had done. At least I was sincerely sorry my actions had caused others grief in some way. I was consciously aware that my dickheadedness had hurt others. I probably wasn't nearly as successful then at saying I was sorry as I am now. Me being the weaselly little wimp that I am in confrontation, but I know I felt the pain I had caused others enough to feel sincerely and humbly remorseful for my actions.

I am pretty sure Alec's ego won't let her accept responsibility for her real actions. She accepts responsibility for the things she wants to believe she did. In fact, she makes up whole elaborate tales in her head about the things she does. Seldom, if ever, do any of those "tales" ever reach into reality. If your experience of her words and actions differ from her self created tales, well, too bad for you, you are not going to ever get that humble apology that would heal you both forever.

And well, that's just bad karma for her to have to pay back to the universe. Not pay back to me or anyone of the numerous people she has screwed over in the last several years of her life, but the universe. It will always demand that balance. That balance that is part and parcel of your growth as a being.

Ok, I guess I better get my ass to work now. I hate being late. Oh hell, no I don't... ha ha ha ha ha... *evil grin*

Predictions

Ok, so Glen and I predict that in less than a year, everything Alec owns will end up lost to the woman she is leaving her house and properties intrusted to while she runs off to Iraq to make all this money to save said property. We predict that this woman will take Alec for everything she owns.

On this date October 29th 2008.

We also predict that Barack Obama will be elected president in next Tuesday's election.... (we are psychic *grin*)

So my fun evening last night consisted of sitting around watching family videos of the dead. Not everyone in those videos was dead. I certainly am not dead, nor is Sue or K, or my brothers, or most of my cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles, my Mom and Dad, we're all still very alive at the moment. There however, were more dead people in them than living. Especially in Sue's videos. Except for a couple of cousins and maybe an uncle, almost everyone in Sue's family videos are dead. Not long livers on her side of the family. Thank god she is adopted.

Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed watching those videos. Some of them had clips in them we had never seen. Like Grandma giving an oral history of our family lineage. I don't have the full copy of that video, too long of a story to relate here as to why I don't, but suffice to say, I wish I had the rest of it to watch.

At any rate, it was a walk down memory lane. More it was a walk through an almost full range of your emotions while seeing people you knew and loved alive once again as you knew them. Interacting with the dead in your life through film and video.

This all started when Sue brought Marty's family videos in from the garage to go through them. Videos we all thought we had seen before a million times only to find out there were hidden treasures neither of us had ever seen. Some of them had film taken long before Sue was ever born. One little treasure had video of Sue visiting Marty and Evie in Florida when she was probably 23 or so. When the camera panned to this hot little blonde dyke sitting by the pool reading a book, I was like "Who's that hottie?!" Within a moment I realized who it was and boy was I shocked. I had forgotten that Sue was ever that skinny or ever that nearly tattooless. I also initially thought that Marty was being an old letch video taping some young hot chick sitting poolside at his condo complex. I should have known better.

I guess I better get going now. Today is our in karate school's Dojo Days tournament. I am not sure I will make it all the way through Wan Su as my open hand kata since I haven't really practiced it much. I will breeze through my weapons because I can do that one in my sleep. I managed to screw Wan Su up pretty bad at the last tournament. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to not just stop and walk away. When I realized I was way screwing up and had gone into a whole other kata instead of Wan Su, I simply made up a few quick fake out moves, went to my closing and ended it as all Sho Rye Ru open hand katas end. None of the judges were Black Belts from our style, so they had no idea I hadn't done a real Sho Rye Ru kata anyway. I still took third place out of five anyway despite my grievious error. I happened to be thinking about my cousin Suzie while I was starting that kata at that tournament. Little did I know that she was in the middle of actually drawing her last few breaths while I preformed that kata for the judges.

I don't really care if I win anything anyway. To me, this is about doing your personal best at that exact moment in time and having fun. I get to hang around my friends and have fun. Sounds like a fun Sunday afternoon to me. Sue will be thinking about Marty not being there to watch her and K do their competitions. After ten years I know her far too well. I keep telling her that he's there, you just can't see him right now. And he is there, just like he is here, we just can't see him right now.

By the way, speaking of Marty, he says that I can do it myself when it comes to financial investment issues. I told him I have no clue what I am really doing. He is of the opinion that I am able with out his help. It's little conversations with Marty that I have in my head that keep him close to me now. The Marty in my mind hasn't changed one bit since he died. He's still just as corny and still just as witty.

I miss you guy.... miss my Poppy in Law a lot. I love you Poppy.

I have been thinking (despite what little time I have had to think to myself) about grief and feelings of separation only being an in body human experience. I have been remembering the story of BB and AA from Robert A. Monroe's Far Journeys, his second book about his travels out of body.

After several years of out of body exploration, Robert Monroe followed a signal that took him to the outer edges of our earth layers. There he met BB who was a little soul being waiting for his best friend who had gone down to earth to experience being human. BB was not human and had never been human. He called himself a curl because I guess that is what he looked like in the spirit form he was in. BB was very sad and depressed waiting for his companion to return. Mr. Monroe spent a great deal of time with BB over a period of several OOBEs. He learned all about BB and AA and how BB had come to earth and why he was still there after what in human terms was several thousands years.

Basically what it comes down to is that BB was grieving the loss of his beloved companion AA. He could not find AA and had waited faithfully for his return, which never happened. AA had become embroiled in being a human and just kept going back for more punishment over and over again. I can relate to that one.

So I thought about this whole experience that Robert Monroe had with BB and it occurred to me that BB was not human nor had he ever had a physical body of any sort. He could not even fathom what being human was like, and yet, he grieved his lost friend AA. He grieved the lost companionship, the love and  communion he had with AA. When Mr. Monroe found BB from that followed signal, BB was withdrawn and in a severe grieving and depressed state. A very human experience.

Since I personally have never met a non-human entity during an OOBE, I am going to have to go with what Robert Monroe reported in his experiences with during his own OOBEs with non-human entities. Mr. Monroe was not at all concerned that BB had emotions. He never remarked on the fact that a non-human had emotions. And in fact, until I started to think on this subject of things that are purely human conditions, I never thought much on the fact that BB had emotions such as love and grief.

So I am thinking that grief is not a purely human in body condition. If someone who had never had a human incarnation is capable of grief, love, anger, then these emotions are not purely in body human. We probably experience them in a slightly different in body way that a non-human or disincarnate spirit does, but apparently they as we, are capable of such emotions.

Now I will say this about BB, he did not know about nor had he ever experienced being stuck in a body nor had he experienced death of the human body and being the ones left behind, stuck in an in body experience that doesn't allow for you to communicate with a non-incarnate spirit. He hadn't experienced being separated from the ones you are bonded to in love. He had never experienced separation. Separation is something that we in incarnate human form experience on a regular basis. So we had one up on him there. He was experiencing separation for the first time in his existence. I am not saying BB was a lessor evolved being, but he had what I would label infantile separation issues.

Like I know that one day I will once again see and know the beings I have loved in this lifetime. I certainly am not grieving the loss of beings I once knew and had deep communion with in past lives. Many of them I have known again in this incarnation. Many of them I will know again and again. BB didn't have that knowledge and so he grieved.

I have that knowledge and still I grieve. I miss the communion I had with those I was and am deeply bonded to on a spirit level. I miss seeing them and communicating with them, sharing with them on that core level in this body in this lifetime, right this very moment. I want that communion with them right now. Always, never to lose it or feel the sting of being separated because I am unable to commune with them because of my in body human experience blockages which keep me from sharing and touching their being.

I spend my time attempting to free myself of these blocks that keep me from going where I want to go and communicating with whomever I wish to communicate with. I meditate a lot. Lately I have not had much success meditating because, as I have stated before, grief is heavy and it weighs you down emotionally. It's hard to get past a certain point in meditation when you have such a weight on your emotions.

I think what I need is my spirit lifted by unconditional love. The experience of unconditional love brings this intense joy to your being. That is what I need now. Joy, not sorrow. I know something that would bring me great joy. In fact, I know several things that would bring me great joy right now. But it would take basically a miracle to receive that joy at the moment.

So I am seeking in my own way a way to bring joy to me as best I can. I need the heaviness of grief lifted off of me to get there fully. So I work on little increments of things to help bring me the joy my spirit needs now. It's slow going. I am stubborn and very hard headed in many ways. It's hard for me to let go of certain things that are not helpful to my evolution. Soon the new moon is coming. I am looking for a cathartic change in me, in my life. Wish me luck, I, like you, am on a journey. I wish you great luck too.

Ciao

Grief is an interesting human emotion if you believe in reincarnation. When you believe you have known a soul many times before and you believe that you will know that soul again, it almost becomes confusing to you whether you should really be feeling the sorrow you feel for the loss of someone in your life. It doesn't actually matter how the loss occurred, whether through physical death or the termination of the relationship for whatever reasons, the loss of a beloved soul from your life against your desire for the relationship to end however it was ended is still painful to your being on a deep core level.

Your being grieves that loss period. Now grief is obviously a built in human emotion. It's not like we were taught to feel the feeling of grief. We might have been conditioned as to what we should be having this feeling of grief over, but to actually teach you the emotion of grief would be like trying to teach the emotion of love to someone. Emotions are built in, they develop as we grow as children, until as adults, we hopefully have a fully developed range of human emotions. If we don't have that full range, then something got fucked up bad in us as children.

So here's my real question, if this world we inhabit is the classroom for our spirit's growth and development, if our reason to exist is to learn, then why do we need emotions like grief? Grief is born from the feeling of being separated (and in some cases permanently) from something we feel intense love for. We feel the ache of grief because we feel like we have lost something we treasured. But if we will always know that soul one way or another during our classroom time here and then far into the time when we have ascended, then why do we still grieve?  Is it because we have projected something on to that soul that we feel we needed in order to be happy in this lifetime? Is it because we feel the need for the constant reassurance of that soul being near to us and in communication with us? I'll venture a yes to most of that.

I know I am superficially scratching the surface here on this subject, but I am so deeply embroiled in the grief process at the moment that I can think of little else now. I have been giving myself little self talks about reincarnation and knowing that I will always know the souls I have lost in this lifetime. I tell myself that physical death and loss of relationships is a part of life in this human condition will experience right now. I tell myself a lot of things to make the pain go away. It's not really working right now.

I lost a lot of relationships I loved this last year. My heart has been broken to it's very foundation. And yes, I know that all this heartbreak is to teach me lessons. Still, it doesn't help knowing that these losses are just lessons. I miss those people, I miss their spirits, I miss the communion we had with one another. I miss the love they had for me, I miss being able to share the love I have for them still. I long in my heart to tell them how deeply they touch my spirit with theirs once again. I long to share my being with them once again.

Is that just a human thing? That longing to share your being with another? Is it only in this flesh that we feel such feelings? I think that yes, it is only in this flesh that we feel and think such things. Once the flesh is gone, this need no longer is within us. I think it is purely a human in body experience. Why is this longing, these feelings, this feeling of love so much a part of the human experience?

I am pondering this now. Looking for an answer that will help me grow and reach a place where I comprehend whatever it is that I need to comprehend in order to become all that I am here to learn how to become.

In the meantime I grieve. For the next while, for a time, I weep. And seek an answer.