Why is working through some stuff so hard? Other than how painful it might be, there's occasionally the fact that you are also dealing with deception or have dealt with it so much before that you don't what is the truth in a given situation.

I have spent the better part of this whole day looking from the inside out, then looking back inside again. I still have no answers for myself. I am still searching deeply for the answer, or a decent facsimile thereof.

I don't believe in anything. I know things. This is what I know:

There is no such thing as truth. Everything is open to personal interpretation and accumulated personal knowledge. There is no black, there is no white. There is no good, there is no evil. There is no right, there is no wrong. There is no beginning, there is no end. There just is, and it's varying shades of grays.

Given this knowledge, I have slowly over the years gotten rid of a lot of preconceived beliefs about life. What I basically came down to was this, anything that did no serve universal love and oneness was useless baggage. That pretty much got rid of nearly everything I ever believed. What it left behind was a few basic morals and ethics of behavior.

Those morals and ethics are, as best I can put them down here as follows:

Don't purposely cause harm to another being if at all possible. That includes not lying, or taking what is not yours to take. Always love from a place of un conditionality. Always love yourself from a place of unconditional love.  Love yourself utterly and unconditionally first and foremost, for in that place you are able to love others in the same way. Give from your heart unconditionally. Expect nothing in return, a gift is a gift, no strings attached.

There's more, but not that much.

Right now, none of what I know is useful to me because I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. It's like I am so wounded that I cannot get past the pain of my wounding to find a way to heal. It's almost as if I was mortally wounded with a wound that will take a long painful while to end my life. Or maybe like I am laying in a vegetative coma caused by blunt force trauma to the heart and I am trying for all I am worth to awaken again.

I never really thought anything could wound me so deeply that I found it nearly impossible to recover. I truly thought I loved myself enough that I could let a wounding pass through me and be able to heal any injuries that occurred. In the past I have been able to do so.

I can't seem in this state of being to pull up my knowings. Every unhealthy human thought process habit has come raging full force back into my consciousness. I can't let go and just be. I want to so very much, but the pain from the wounding is so great that I have lost the way back to how healing happens. Every time I try to go there, to that place where healing happens, this tsunami wall of pain engulfs me and drags me back down to drown me once again. Sometimes the pain is so great that I think that healing will never happen. That I will always be this wounded beast whimpering alone until Death takes it's soul.

It's like I have these two knives plunged into me, one in my back and one in my heart. I don't know how to pull them out. I know there is a way, but what always comes to me as the answer is to have them removed by the one that placed them there. That will never happen though, so I remain fixed and unable to heal and move on. You cannot undo what you have done when you deny you have done it in the first place.

And so I am stuck trying to figure out how to pull these knives out of myself. I need help because I am so weak from the pain and loss of life blood that I am unable to help myself. But there really is no one who can help me. I need someone who possesses unconditional love (which would mean they place no judgments on how or why I am where I am) who can come and help me heal this severe wounding. I needed Ellen to help me past the wounding from my parents. She did a stellar job by the way. I was able to let go and forgive my parents despite the past they were and still are unable to admit they inflicted onmy spirit. I was able to move past needing an apology or amends from them for all they did and heal myself with Ellen's help. A physician to help stop the bleeding and clean out the festering wound so that your spirit body can begin the process of recovery.

I have no Ellen anymore. And there is no hope for an Ellen to come now. There are no Ellen's in this world I inhabit here in NWA. So somehow, if I wish to live again, I have to figure out this healing thing by my self. Which is why I pulled out the 12 steps from the recesses of my past to remind me of how a spiritual healing begins.

I am powerless over this pain, this festering wounding. It has become unmanageable. Here's the kicker in all this, in program, you have a sponsor. They help you walk through the steps to a spiritual healing. They work very closely with you to keep things real, to keep you real and honest with yourself and your situation. There are no sponsors around here, not ones that can help someone who is lost in a spiritual wounding.

Which I guess is what I need to ask for in my meditations right now. Send me a healer, even if it is my higher self, I care not who or what comes to help, just send someone or something to help heal this broken and wounded spirit.  

2. Came to believe (know) that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Anything to take this pain away and bring me out of this coma.

We, at least most of us anyway, seem to be able to rationalize nearly every action and thought that originates from ourselves. Good or bad.

I tend to be especially adept at this particular talent. Rather than admitting where we have erred/trangressed (or rather to keep this personal, please read I when you see we, have erred and/or transgressed), we come up with elaborate self talk meant to soften our actions in our own heads.

I am truly a master of this art. I could teach it on a graduate level. I am exceptionally well versed at admitting to faults and errors that are most obvious to others, even an occasional one that isn't so obvious. Why should I hide them? But conversely, I am equally good at making them seem as if I am a saint for admitting to them. Well, maybe not a saint, but somehow more highly evolved or something close to it.

I am neither a saint nor a sinner. I am one of a vast multitude of souls who miss the opportunity for growth because we/I never truly face our real selves and meet the real being within us directly. We lie to ourselves and therefore, never truly know our real self.

I am a liar who lies to myself more than to anyone else. I like to conjure up several Js who are this and thus and such. Never anything you would consider grandiose or impossible Js to exist, simply Js that are not the whole real J.

Oh I must admit that the Js I made up long ago in my youth where rather grandiose, certainly no where near the real me, but truly, how far have I really come in the last 20 years or so that I am so very different?  I am angry and bitter right now because I have been so deeply betrayed by others, yet I am a betrayer in my own special way. I rant about loyalty, and yet, I have failed to be loyal. And then made up a good story about why I had the right to not be loyal or faithful or true. Stories about where I remained faithful and true on some level, stories about why there was no real transgression on my part. Or stories about why my transgression was justified in some way.

Here's what I have been thinking about a lot lately: (please note the items bolded, they are the ones I am most concerned about in my own life right now)

The Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over (name your addiction/mental and/or emotional illness)—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of that Power as we understood it.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to that Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power as we understood it, praying only for knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

Most people don't even get this far on their path. Most people never realize just how fucked up they really are. And then there are liars like me who know how fucked up they really are and still continue to do things that cause pain to others. We rationalize our actions. Like I had some right to transgress.

There are even plenty of people out there who know my transgressions and give me lots of rationalizations about why what I did was right or OK or completely justified. Whatever. I still hurt people with my actions. I even tell myself if there had been any other way to achieve my goals/desires/wishes, I would have taken those routes. But the truth is, I went the way I went and in the end, others were injured by my actions.

Does this all make me some terrible person? No, it makes me someone who needs to get real if I want to continue down a spiritual path of growth. I have been so bitter and angry for so long now over decisions and choices I made that I have been busy justifying my actions for years now.

So I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might be the first person that I need to not only admit my wrongs to, but also make amends to. It doesn't change my situation, but it at least lets me get seriously honest with myself. I have been screaming until the cows come home about how I am aware that I created the world I inhabit, but when I think about it honestly, I still blame others for me being stuck where I am in life. I am still extremely hurt and angry at them for my situation.  I blame them for my being stuck in a place I cannot get out of or find happiness in.  Even if only on a subconscious level, I still blame them for where I am in life.

Well, the truth is, they are not going to change and I cannot make them change to suit my personal needs or wants. All I can do is change how I respond within myself. And be honest with myself about it all. Instead I have sought every dishonest way out of the situation I have created that I could find. Well, not every one, but close.

I came to the realization the other day that if I had really wanted out of the situation I am in, I would be out of it by now. I actually have had multiple opportunities out. But like a coward, I have lied to myself about the situation and my role in how deeply I have gotten to where I am in it. Because I cannot face the pain and work through it, I have run, acting as if I am some caged wild animal, seeking a path back to my natural habitat.

And in that cowardice, I have hurt others. Deeply. I don't use drugs or alcohol to hurt others, I use my embittered, rage induced actions, my justifications as to why what I am about to do or doing is perfectly acceptable behavior. Why yes, of course, this action will free the cage wild animal who is dying in here. Bullshit. I built a worse situation through my actions than existed before and I hurt others along with myself in my quest to be assuaged/right/justified.

And I accuse my former lover/best friend/soulmate of all this.... I am such a fucking hypocrite. Glen thought she had some serious balls, I have more, I have had more time to lie to myself to grow them just that much bigger.

Am I angry with myself for all this? Sort of, but more, I am sad for all the pain I have caused so many people, myself included. I am not a fool, I am just sick. Sick with lies in my head and heart. In need of a healing. In need of a fearless moral inventory. And then the amends.

I've been pondering a thought all day. It hasn't gone too far. Mainly because I sincerely don't want it to go too far, yet.

All is fair in love and war. I keep pondering why all is fair. Is it really fair? I keep thinking it's not and the person who coined that phrase probably did something hideously reprehensible and came up with that one to assuage his guilt. Or maybe not.

So basically what it means is that you can be as shitty as you want as long as you win? Hmmmm.... that would explain a lot of behavior on a lot of people's parts. So does it mean that all is not fair in everything else besides love and war? There are rules to abide by except in just those two particular items? I seem to remember rules of warfare, like something in the Geneva Convention or something to that effect. Of course I am sure this little ditty has been around far longer than the Geneva Convention.

So morals and ethics be damned, full speed ahead. I'll stick to believing that karma will bite your ass if you don't play nice. I think I prefer morals and ethics over avarice. Otherwise I would be throwing hand grenades and not giving a damn who got hurt.

On the other hand, someone threw a hand grenade at me not all that long ago. I could toss it back if I wanted to.... I just don't want anyone innocent to be hurt, that keeps me from doing a lot of things I know how to do..... in love and war.

I'll ponder this more later.

Last night, I was processing by myself, despite what anyone else might think. I realize they were there listening to me move onward in my thought process, but in reality, I was talking to myself out loud and on purpose.

I never changed my subject matter, no matter what the conversation might be seeming to morph into. I was going where I was going and I didn't morph with the conversation. I had a single purpose, process through these feelings, despite the lack of functional help around me.

Part of my intense anger lately is the lack of functional sounding boards or mirrors to work through the process of where I have taken myself in the last several years. In laymen's terms, I have no one safe to talk my shit out with so that I can come to a deeper understanding of how I got from point A to point B without being judged for having any of the myriad of feelings I have morphed into feeling, especially in these last 2 years.

Even the mental health professionals in this area are not safe. I am not sure where they got their degrees, but it appears Cracker Jacks has made a fortune off selling degrees and licences to a whole lot of LFMCCs around these them there parts.

I am not a psychologist, yet I seem to have studied psychology much more in depth than anyone else I know right now. Up to and including mental health care providers in the area. What I wouldn't do to have someone like Ellen Betz around again. When you manage to get yourself in an emotional and mental pickle like I have gotten myself into, it truly helps to have someone safe and nonjudgemental to process your thoughts and feelings with. When everyone around is dysfunctionally judgemental, or deeply self absorbed, it becomes impossible to process with anyone else.

Sometimes you just need another person to sit there and point out (gently I might add) the defect in your thinking process. What it is, is that often someone else can see much more clearly through the forest you have created that you cannot see your way out of. Shame based folk don't have the ability to gently help you process through your jumbled up mess of thoughts and emotions. They merely shame you for having feelings at all and mainly because they are so far not in touch with their own feelings that they cannot leave their own shit at thedoor when they are talking to you.

You can know all that about them, and allow them to be where they are in their process of growth as a person and yet, it does not help you to know they are severely dysfunctional in your quest to work through and out of the shit you have built in your life.  It just lets you know that you will not be attempting to share any thing with them ever again until they find that place within themselves they are able to come from a place of unconditional love and not self condemnation and shame.

So I processed by myself last night. I needed to talk no matter what. I have been so torn lately, so angry at myself for creating this world full of people who have used their extreme dysfunction to harm myself and others. I drew them to me, this I am fully aware of, yet I chose to allow them access to my inner world. That was my bad.

I have become angry with them for their dysfunctional behavior. I can't fix them, nor would I attempt to fix them. That's their job. And their first step is knowing that they are extremely ill mentally and emotionally. The only thing I can honestly do is cut them out of my life if I do not want their dysfunction around me attempting to destroy my being. I have done that. And then been condemned for cutting them out of my life and not allowing their sickness around me or my family. The reality is, I am the only person I have the right to be angry with, and even that is not fair to me.

If you come from a place of loving people as unconditionally as possible, you tend to know that almost every person on earth is doing the absolute best they can as a person under the given circumstances of their present life and past history. And I do do that with almost everyone I encounter in life. When some's severe dysfunction becomes a threat to my home and family, that is when I ask them as nicely and with as much love as I can, to go out of my life until they get the help they need and heal from whatever it is in them that makes them harm themselves and others. Some people like to call that tough love.

That happened with Garrett a few weeks back. His substance abuse, and the underlying causes of it, became a situation where it was not safe for him to be in this home and around children. So he was sent off into the world to get helpas he was not willing to get help while he lived here. My former lover/best friend/soulmate was also sent away because of her severe dysfunction, although she did not want to go peacefully or without throwing that one last painful punch. I was and am fully aware that she too was and is doing the best she knows how given the world she has created in her head because of her mental illness and the history she suffers from. It still does not mean I can or could futher allow her to attempt to harm me or my family in her sickness. And so she remains cut off from me and will until the day she gets the help she needs and heals from her mental and emotional illness.

If I cut everyone off in my life who was dysfunctional in some way, I would have no friends or family, nor would I be talking with myself much. The difference is (and somehow we could not get this across to Garrett), I know where my dysfunction is and how to work my way back to a mentally and emotionally healthful state. I am very aware and intune with my inner workings and I know how to reach me and heal or fix myself when I have swerved off the course. Which is where I am right now. I also know when I have gotten beyond my own ability to help me and need a sounding board/mirror.

Being angry like this for any reason for a prolonged period of time is not helpful to my growth, nor is it healthy for my body, mind and spirit. Which is why I need to process. If I am off track (which I promise you I am way off track right now), then I need to be lovingly helped back on track. In my case, I am far enough off track right now that I am finding it difficult to do it myself. So I seek out help. There is no help available. No wise and unconditionally loving persons around me in my world. And mainly that is because no one like that lives here near me. See, I know people like that exist because I have known many a person like that in my life before I moved here. They just don't live in my sphere of existance right now.

So I am struggling, working by myself, trying to sort out the anger and hoping that the things that trigger that anger don't continue to bombard me while I am processing. I have tried as best I know how to explain why having the triggers around me while I am trying to process through my feelings is not helping my situation at all. Having the sick people I cut out of my life becauseof their dysfuntion push their way back into my face and life triggers me. And I know they know they are doing this too. If only on a subconscious level, they know they are reopening wounds they caused and reinflicting the damage they caused while I still allowed them in my life.

Somehow I have to get past the pain when I am hit again and again. Somehow I have to not feel the pain that triggers the anger. That is what I cannot seem to learn or work through. When they hit at you, don't let the blow cause pain. That takes love I do not possess right now. Because not feeling their blows takes utter and complete unconditional self love. And right now, I am not in that place at all. I am not condemning myself, I am just in a state of being shell shocked by the bombardment. So feeling love at all, for anyone, let alone myself is difficult at best.

And that my friends is the state I am in in my process. Finding that place of unconditional self love. Alone, working through it all by myself. It's an inside job Garrett my friend. And the only way around it is through it......

As I am want to say "Life's a bitch and then it's a bitch."

 

 

Why did I cry? If you had been able to ask me that question while the song was playing I might have been able to answer. I am not sure. In that moment I knew why my tears were falling. I remembered vividly. For in that moment the walls of protection fell and I was open and vulnerable again.

How far and wide this river flows. How deep the words trapped in my soul. I was a poet and you didn't know it. I was the muse who's words fell on deaf ears. So long ago, so long ago.

I was trying to make a deal with you tonight. I don't think I got my point across. In fact, I know I didn't. I had to protect my heart so many years ago. And so I built this fortress and locked myself away. Now living this dark and lonely death of heart for so many years. Lost, alone, so very, very alone. All my childhood pain renewed. I must hide away, I must protect the tender heart within.

The deal is/was, you have to pursue me, hard, harder than you have ever gone after any prize you wanted with all of your heart. You have to prove to the wounded being within me that you really, really want it, enough that you are willing to sacrifice more than you have ever sacrificed in your life. And the sacrifice I ask? Share your very core being with me and allow me to share my being also with you.  Share your soul to the core with mine.

I am more wounded now than ever. Not only by you, but by all I have done to myself since you first hurt this heart of mine. Can I love you again as I once did? I am not sure I can love anyone ever again. I am so deeply wounded now that I am not sure what I can feel ever again, for you or anyone. And yet, as I sit here writing this, my heart is breaking and the tears fall around me. I think I am feeling whether I want to or not.

If my heart could trust again, I could love you more than I ever did before. If I thought you loved me as much as I love you, my love would become a tidal wave crashing over your shores. If I believed, if I could believe, if you could help me believe. Help me tear down the fortress. Be brave, as I can no longer be brave with matters of the heart. I am shell shocked beyond words from the pain in my heart. Help me heal the wounds that keep me entrapped.

What are we celebrating? That you are willing to do whatever it takes to help me out of my self imposed prison. That you are willing to love me enough, to be selfless enough to help me back to you, to a real us.  That I am willing despite my intense fear to let you go there with me....

Help me. I can't get there without you......

Why do I not forgive you? Because you do not deserve to be forgiven yet.

You tried to destroy my reputation and my life. You almost succeeded in both areas. What you didn't anticipate was my tenatious ability to hang on and survive despite your vicious attacks against me. I think you thought I would just roll over and die like your victim before me did. Well, I haven't and I won't.

What I will continue to do is act as if you are dead. Because to me, until you come to the realization that you have seriously harmed yourself and so many others with your behavior, you are dead to me. You are worried about your karma, and so you should be. You can't keep this pathological lying up forever without karma biting your ass someday. Until you are clean of this karmic shit you have created for years and years in your life, I can't and won't allow your energy near my life or family. Hence, you are dead to me until you chose life for yourself instead of the death you have created all around you with your sickness.

And when your world comes crashing to an end (which it will eventually, lies can only sustain themselves for so long), no one will be there for you to help fix what you have created. You will be the one thing you fear the most, alone.

So stop playing the martyr because I ignore your presence when you are around me. And stop acting as if there is no reason for me to be angry with you, and as if you did nothing to deserve what you receive from me (which is to be totally ignored as if you are not there or exist at all).

It's your karma now. She will die because of your need for a lesson from the universe. She has no other way to escape the world you have entrapped her in and so you will reap the lesson with her accidentally killing herself. I feel sorry for her, not you. She is weaker than the last few people you have raped and pillaged from, she will not survive your illness. This is your karma, not hers. She has attempted for months to get away from you and can find no way to escape you. I kind of have a feeling that when she dies, you still won't get it, you are incapable of getting "it".

All you have to do is come to the full realization of all you have done and see that you have some serious amends to make to many, many people you havefucked over in your life (start with your own self). Your doing that will free you from some serious karmic shit that's on it's way to you right now. And letting her go just might save her life.

But that is not going to happen, not now anyway. And it's too bad because her time is almost up. Karma, it's a bitch when it slaps you upside the head. I know from personal experience. But then, I woke up and came to that realization one day. But not before it was too late and someone had to die too young because I needed a lesson. Yeah, that's right, Debbie's accidental overdose was my karmic lesson. Hard one to take, losing everything you ever worked for in your life, your home, your career, your partner of so many years, all because you were stubborn and bullheaded about how sick and fucked up you really are. Too bad, so sad.

I woke up, but not before it was far too late. Will you wake up before it's far too late? I think not.

How long will you keep lying to yourself?

Sue is a trusting soul. She is a bit on the naive side. She trusts people, to her personal chagrin too. I trust no one. That's not exactly true, I trust Glen, but even he I hold at bay often with my trust. I have decided in my old age that it's not fair to place absolute trust in another person. If you don't trust them absolutely, then should they chose to turn and stab you in the back, their fall and your feeling of betrayal will be considerably less. Not that I am waiting for Glen to stab me in the back, I just want to leave him the option to do so without me being utterly devistated should he chose that option.

Tonight loyalty came up briefly in Glen and mine's conversation. I let it slide out of him and then let it fall as he continued on in his conversation with me. It brought back someone sharing their opinion on how someone could stab you in the back who had claimed to love you so deeply and pledge their undying loyalty to you. Basically what she said was, maybe my idea of loyalty is different from some other people's idea of loyalty. I sat around for days after that trying to figure out how my idea of loyalty could differ from anyone else's idea of loyalty. I even looked it up in the dictionary, which of course confirmed my idea of what loyalty is/was.  I asked several people to define in their own opinions what loyalty was/is. I got basically the exact same interpretation as the dictionary and I believed loyalty to mean.

So I still don't get what she was saying about someone having a different idea of what being loyal really means. Like, you are either loyal or you aren't. When you are not loyal, you are being disloyal.  I am sure there are gray areas on that depending on how close you were/are to a certain person. But if someone has basically pledged themselves as your true and dear best friend, then I personally expect a certain amount of loyalty from them.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am old fashion. Maybe loyalty has a new spin on it that I am missing these days. Maybe loyalty now means that you stick by that person you have pledged your undying friendship to through thick and thin until something or someone else comes along, or an opportunity to advance (financially, politically, socially, whatever) comes along. I don't know, I am not much about keeping up with trends anymore. Like I am still trying to figure out why anyone gives a rat's ass about Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton or even who they are and why they are news. I guess I really am just getting old. After all, orange is the new blue (or at least it was 4 years ago) and I still don't get that one either.

<heavy sigh>

Ciao baby.....

Last night I did a tarot reading about someone and the situation they have gotten themselves into in life. Normally when I do a reading about something or someone, I use my intuition/phychic ability and then ask my guides briefly if I am interpreting the reading or a particular card correctly.

The end result card from this reading was the Death card. Now the Death card doesn't necessarily mean literal, physical death. You look at the card in relation to the other cards around and and then go with your gut feeling. The Death card can mean death to your old ways, or death to a relationship, or death to a situation, whatever. It means dying out to the old to transform or rise like the Phoenix from the ashes. That's the spiritual translation of the Death card.

So after taking into account the other cards around it in relation to it, I began to delve deeper into the meaning of the end result card. It wasn't good. I know the situaion this person is stuck in well enough to know that all the other cards in relation to the end card were exactly as the situation is right now.  So I began to ask my guides if the Death card meant exactly what it's literal translation in the physical sense means. Every which way I asked the question, ie: does this card mean literal death for this person?, does this card mean death to a situation? etc, came out with the same answer. It meant literal death.  It meant literal death by their own hand.

After I had asked this rather lengthy series of questions of my guides, my spirit became extremely distrubed. My heart began to break for this person and their situation. This morning, my heart/spirit is just as distrubed as it was last night. Which is why I am writing this right now.  The reason I am upset about this so deeply is because I can't stop what is going to happen. Yes, I asked that question too. I even asked if this was a karmic thing for this person that they were going to accidentally take their own life. It's not, they are just going to accidentally take an overdose of prescription meds.

This is someone else's karmic lesson, not the person who may die. The person in question wants out of the situation they are in and can see no other way out. Subconsciously, suicide is becoming the only option to get out of the situation. All of this deeply disturbs me.

I am going to go see a friend of mine in the next few days if I can get to her between her schedule and mine. I am going to let her interpret my reading too. I need to know if I am reading this incorrectly, perhaps getting answers that were wrong or something. Unfortunately for me, my readings are always almost 100% accurate. Which is why I am so upset right now. In all honesty, I don't want my reading to be 100% accurate. I don't even want it to be 50% accurate.

I have been getting readings on this person and situation for months now telling me that they are going to die with in 6 months. So I have told people not to ride in any vehicles with that person if they can at all help it.  I was wrong about the vehicle thing. I just assume people that young will die in a car accident. But then I never did a reading like the one I did last night on this person before. I didn't realize that the situation had become so desparate for them.

I am really sick at heart right now. I'll go talk with my friend this week, see what she says, see what she reads out of this reading. Hopefully I am dead wrong, no pun intended. Hopefully this person will find another way out the situation they feel trapped in rather than accidental suicide.