So my fun evening last night consisted of sitting around watching family videos of the dead. Not everyone in those videos was dead. I certainly am not dead, nor is Sue or K, or my brothers, or most of my cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles, my Mom and Dad, we're all still very alive at the moment. There however, were more dead people in them than living. Especially in Sue's videos. Except for a couple of cousins and maybe an uncle, almost everyone in Sue's family videos are dead. Not long livers on her side of the family. Thank god she is adopted.

Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoyed watching those videos. Some of them had clips in them we had never seen. Like Grandma giving an oral history of our family lineage. I don't have the full copy of that video, too long of a story to relate here as to why I don't, but suffice to say, I wish I had the rest of it to watch.

At any rate, it was a walk down memory lane. More it was a walk through an almost full range of your emotions while seeing people you knew and loved alive once again as you knew them. Interacting with the dead in your life through film and video.

This all started when Sue brought Marty's family videos in from the garage to go through them. Videos we all thought we had seen before a million times only to find out there were hidden treasures neither of us had ever seen. Some of them had film taken long before Sue was ever born. One little treasure had video of Sue visiting Marty and Evie in Florida when she was probably 23 or so. When the camera panned to this hot little blonde dyke sitting by the pool reading a book, I was like "Who's that hottie?!" Within a moment I realized who it was and boy was I shocked. I had forgotten that Sue was ever that skinny or ever that nearly tattooless. I also initially thought that Marty was being an old letch video taping some young hot chick sitting poolside at his condo complex. I should have known better.

I guess I better get going now. Today is our in karate school's Dojo Days tournament. I am not sure I will make it all the way through Wan Su as my open hand kata since I haven't really practiced it much. I will breeze through my weapons because I can do that one in my sleep. I managed to screw Wan Su up pretty bad at the last tournament. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to not just stop and walk away. When I realized I was way screwing up and had gone into a whole other kata instead of Wan Su, I simply made up a few quick fake out moves, went to my closing and ended it as all Sho Rye Ru open hand katas end. None of the judges were Black Belts from our style, so they had no idea I hadn't done a real Sho Rye Ru kata anyway. I still took third place out of five anyway despite my grievious error. I happened to be thinking about my cousin Suzie while I was starting that kata at that tournament. Little did I know that she was in the middle of actually drawing her last few breaths while I preformed that kata for the judges.

I don't really care if I win anything anyway. To me, this is about doing your personal best at that exact moment in time and having fun. I get to hang around my friends and have fun. Sounds like a fun Sunday afternoon to me. Sue will be thinking about Marty not being there to watch her and K do their competitions. After ten years I know her far too well. I keep telling her that he's there, you just can't see him right now. And he is there, just like he is here, we just can't see him right now.

By the way, speaking of Marty, he says that I can do it myself when it comes to financial investment issues. I told him I have no clue what I am really doing. He is of the opinion that I am able with out his help. It's little conversations with Marty that I have in my head that keep him close to me now. The Marty in my mind hasn't changed one bit since he died. He's still just as corny and still just as witty.

I miss you guy.... miss my Poppy in Law a lot. I love you Poppy.

I have been thinking (despite what little time I have had to think to myself) about grief and feelings of separation only being an in body human experience. I have been remembering the story of BB and AA from Robert A. Monroe's Far Journeys, his second book about his travels out of body.

After several years of out of body exploration, Robert Monroe followed a signal that took him to the outer edges of our earth layers. There he met BB who was a little soul being waiting for his best friend who had gone down to earth to experience being human. BB was not human and had never been human. He called himself a curl because I guess that is what he looked like in the spirit form he was in. BB was very sad and depressed waiting for his companion to return. Mr. Monroe spent a great deal of time with BB over a period of several OOBEs. He learned all about BB and AA and how BB had come to earth and why he was still there after what in human terms was several thousands years.

Basically what it comes down to is that BB was grieving the loss of his beloved companion AA. He could not find AA and had waited faithfully for his return, which never happened. AA had become embroiled in being a human and just kept going back for more punishment over and over again. I can relate to that one.

So I thought about this whole experience that Robert Monroe had with BB and it occurred to me that BB was not human nor had he ever had a physical body of any sort. He could not even fathom what being human was like, and yet, he grieved his lost friend AA. He grieved the lost companionship, the love and  communion he had with AA. When Mr. Monroe found BB from that followed signal, BB was withdrawn and in a severe grieving and depressed state. A very human experience.

Since I personally have never met a non-human entity during an OOBE, I am going to have to go with what Robert Monroe reported in his experiences with during his own OOBEs with non-human entities. Mr. Monroe was not at all concerned that BB had emotions. He never remarked on the fact that a non-human had emotions. And in fact, until I started to think on this subject of things that are purely human conditions, I never thought much on the fact that BB had emotions such as love and grief.

So I am thinking that grief is not a purely human in body condition. If someone who had never had a human incarnation is capable of grief, love, anger, then these emotions are not purely in body human. We probably experience them in a slightly different in body way that a non-human or disincarnate spirit does, but apparently they as we, are capable of such emotions.

Now I will say this about BB, he did not know about nor had he ever experienced being stuck in a body nor had he experienced death of the human body and being the ones left behind, stuck in an in body experience that doesn't allow for you to communicate with a non-incarnate spirit. He hadn't experienced being separated from the ones you are bonded to in love. He had never experienced separation. Separation is something that we in incarnate human form experience on a regular basis. So we had one up on him there. He was experiencing separation for the first time in his existence. I am not saying BB was a lessor evolved being, but he had what I would label infantile separation issues.

Like I know that one day I will once again see and know the beings I have loved in this lifetime. I certainly am not grieving the loss of beings I once knew and had deep communion with in past lives. Many of them I have known again in this incarnation. Many of them I will know again and again. BB didn't have that knowledge and so he grieved.

I have that knowledge and still I grieve. I miss the communion I had with those I was and am deeply bonded to on a spirit level. I miss seeing them and communicating with them, sharing with them on that core level in this body in this lifetime, right this very moment. I want that communion with them right now. Always, never to lose it or feel the sting of being separated because I am unable to commune with them because of my in body human experience blockages which keep me from sharing and touching their being.

I spend my time attempting to free myself of these blocks that keep me from going where I want to go and communicating with whomever I wish to communicate with. I meditate a lot. Lately I have not had much success meditating because, as I have stated before, grief is heavy and it weighs you down emotionally. It's hard to get past a certain point in meditation when you have such a weight on your emotions.

I think what I need is my spirit lifted by unconditional love. The experience of unconditional love brings this intense joy to your being. That is what I need now. Joy, not sorrow. I know something that would bring me great joy. In fact, I know several things that would bring me great joy right now. But it would take basically a miracle to receive that joy at the moment.

So I am seeking in my own way a way to bring joy to me as best I can. I need the heaviness of grief lifted off of me to get there fully. So I work on little increments of things to help bring me the joy my spirit needs now. It's slow going. I am stubborn and very hard headed in many ways. It's hard for me to let go of certain things that are not helpful to my evolution. Soon the new moon is coming. I am looking for a cathartic change in me, in my life. Wish me luck, I, like you, am on a journey. I wish you great luck too.

Ciao

Grief is an interesting human emotion if you believe in reincarnation. When you believe you have known a soul many times before and you believe that you will know that soul again, it almost becomes confusing to you whether you should really be feeling the sorrow you feel for the loss of someone in your life. It doesn't actually matter how the loss occurred, whether through physical death or the termination of the relationship for whatever reasons, the loss of a beloved soul from your life against your desire for the relationship to end however it was ended is still painful to your being on a deep core level.

Your being grieves that loss period. Now grief is obviously a built in human emotion. It's not like we were taught to feel the feeling of grief. We might have been conditioned as to what we should be having this feeling of grief over, but to actually teach you the emotion of grief would be like trying to teach the emotion of love to someone. Emotions are built in, they develop as we grow as children, until as adults, we hopefully have a fully developed range of human emotions. If we don't have that full range, then something got fucked up bad in us as children.

So here's my real question, if this world we inhabit is the classroom for our spirit's growth and development, if our reason to exist is to learn, then why do we need emotions like grief? Grief is born from the feeling of being separated (and in some cases permanently) from something we feel intense love for. We feel the ache of grief because we feel like we have lost something we treasured. But if we will always know that soul one way or another during our classroom time here and then far into the time when we have ascended, then why do we still grieve?  Is it because we have projected something on to that soul that we feel we needed in order to be happy in this lifetime? Is it because we feel the need for the constant reassurance of that soul being near to us and in communication with us? I'll venture a yes to most of that.

I know I am superficially scratching the surface here on this subject, but I am so deeply embroiled in the grief process at the moment that I can think of little else now. I have been giving myself little self talks about reincarnation and knowing that I will always know the souls I have lost in this lifetime. I tell myself that physical death and loss of relationships is a part of life in this human condition will experience right now. I tell myself a lot of things to make the pain go away. It's not really working right now.

I lost a lot of relationships I loved this last year. My heart has been broken to it's very foundation. And yes, I know that all this heartbreak is to teach me lessons. Still, it doesn't help knowing that these losses are just lessons. I miss those people, I miss their spirits, I miss the communion we had with one another. I miss the love they had for me, I miss being able to share the love I have for them still. I long in my heart to tell them how deeply they touch my spirit with theirs once again. I long to share my being with them once again.

Is that just a human thing? That longing to share your being with another? Is it only in this flesh that we feel such feelings? I think that yes, it is only in this flesh that we feel and think such things. Once the flesh is gone, this need no longer is within us. I think it is purely a human in body experience. Why is this longing, these feelings, this feeling of love so much a part of the human experience?

I am pondering this now. Looking for an answer that will help me grow and reach a place where I comprehend whatever it is that I need to comprehend in order to become all that I am here to learn how to become.

In the meantime I grieve. For the next while, for a time, I weep. And seek an answer.

I have been sitting here contemplating a situation in my life that I still have some emotional response to when I ponder it all. That would be my ex best friend/business partner telling me that she is not sure if we can be friends the way we once were again. Now that might not sound all that horrible to an outsider who does not know all she did to me and others this past year or so. After all, everyone has the right to determine whom they wish to be friends with for whatever reasons. Fair enough, I buy that fully.

The real problem is, she is assuming that I still want to be her friend and that some how she can just wave a magic wand and I will be to her whatever she wants me to be to her. That's not how it works. See, I get to decide if I want to be someone's friend or not also. The real deal here is, I honestly do not want to be her friend as long as she is still as dysfunctional and abusive to other people as she has always been. The truth is, she hasn't changed one iota yet. She is still lying to herself and anyone else who will buy her lies about everything she did to me and everyone else this last year or two. She still has not come clean about all she did to everyone and I doubt sincerely that she will be doing that any time in the near future. Which is why she is not going to be my friend again any time soon.

What she just hasn't gotten is that I am the one who will decide if she is ever allowed back in my life again period. Not her. Undo what you did to me and everyone else. Admit your wrong doings and make amends, to me and everyone else. Humbly ask forgiveness for all you have done and change your behavior forever. No one will ever trust you again if you don't. They might forgive you to a certain point in time, but they will never trust you again or let you back in again if you do not. That is the real bottomline and the real consequences of your actions. People will tolerate your physical presence, but to be let back in to people's hearts and regain their trust will take making those sincere heartfelt amends to them and then truly changing your behavior for the rest of your life.

Unlie the lies. And mean it when you do it. Feel real sorrow for your behavior. Feel your heart break for all you have done. Come to know and understand fully all the pain and suffering your actions have caused yourself and everyone else in your life. Admit your wrongs, take full and humble responsibility for them and then make amends where ever and when ever it is possible. Anything short of that and you will never regain anything close to the relationships you once had before your actions destroyed them.

You are right, you do deserve to be happy, but not at the expense of other people. Learn this lesson. The universe keeps shoving it down your throat and you seem to not be getting it. I don't know what you can do to repair and make amends for all you did to your brother, but I know what it will take to fix what you did to me.

Good luck on all this... in the mean time, I tolerate your physical presence. And that is all. There is no friendship there and there will not be until you heal yourself and change your dysfunctional behavior forever. Tough love, it sucks.