I am writing because I need to write so that I keep writing. That makes lots of sense to me. It won't make sense to anyone who doesn't have to force themselves to do shit or else they will never do it.

My blood sugar is fucked up. I know because I feel depression coming on. Depression is a sure sign my blood sugar is too high and has been for a while. Someone in this house used up all my test strips, so now I can't check my blood sugar. Test strips are too expensive for poor folk to buy and use on a regular basis. I surely cannot afford them.

So now I am trying to not go into depression. It's hard when it's a biologically based depression. It would be easier to deal with if it were psychological. That I can deal with easily. This however is a failing internal organ that regulates bunches of shit chemically in my body. Hence the depression. Chemically induced by a whacked out hormonal imbalance. Insulin, one of the 3 major hormones in your body. Without it, you cannot live. You can live without estrogen. You can live without progesterone and testosterone, but you cannot live without insulin being produced in balance. Lack of insulin being produced correctly will kill you dead right quick like.

I suppose if I had the choice I would rather have my pancreas be fucked up than my thyroid. Luckily for me my thyroid is just fine. My pancreas however is not happy with me.

So it's time to get to work on fixing this issue before it gets so out of hand that it does kill me.

After all, I really do choose life.

Going where the sun keeps shining, through the pouring rain

I believe that officially, once I moved this blog over here to Blogger, that I lost all my subscribers that were on AOHell. That's cool cause, it makes it so that I am the one and only viewer now. I tend to write far more deeply when I don't have an audience and I know I won't be having an audience in the future.

So yeah, today, there really isn't a whole lot of shit pressing on my mind that needs to get out. Nothing I can put a finger on anyway. I am not feeling particularly introspective at the moment. In fact, other than a low, almost imperceptible general malaise, I am thinking and feeling nothing. Even that general low malaise is nothing other than residual pain and anger from events of the past 3 years I am still working through. So it's nothing new, nothing with a hidden epiphany crying to escape. It's just the same old shit laying there wishing the day would come that it would heal.

Speaking of that healing, as of last Friday, Alec is enjoying fun in the sun and sand in the Middle East. I don't really know how I feel about her going to Iraq. I hope for her sake that going over there does what she hopes it will do for her. I know she is not going to come home to a girlfriend (or a car and possibly even a house). In a way, that bothers me. Despite the shit she has pulled on so many people in her life, especially recently, I still don't want to see her have to pay back all that karmic debt by losing everything she cares about in her life.

Of course, at the ancient age of 35, I lost everything I cared about. Everything but my car and my kid. I was at least as hard headed as she is, maybe even more so. I also didn't do the kinds of karmically laden things that she has done either. I certainly wasn't perfect, but I also wasn't running around fucking people over on purpose just to get what I wanted. In fact, by the time I was 25, I was trying for all I was worth not to fuck anyone else over, even on accident. I realize that I still fucked people over, but once I found out the err of my ways, I tried to fix what I had done. At least I was sincerely sorry my actions had caused others grief in some way. I was consciously aware that my dickheadedness had hurt others. I probably wasn't nearly as successful then at saying I was sorry as I am now. Me being the weaselly little wimp that I am in confrontation, but I know I felt the pain I had caused others enough to feel sincerely and humbly remorseful for my actions.

I am pretty sure Alec's ego won't let her accept responsibility for her real actions. She accepts responsibility for the things she wants to believe she did. In fact, she makes up whole elaborate tales in her head about the things she does. Seldom, if ever, do any of those "tales" ever reach into reality. If your experience of her words and actions differ from her self created tales, well, too bad for you, you are not going to ever get that humble apology that would heal you both forever.

And well, that's just bad karma for her to have to pay back to the universe. Not pay back to me or anyone of the numerous people she has screwed over in the last several years of her life, but the universe. It will always demand that balance. That balance that is part and parcel of your growth as a being.

Ok, I guess I better get my ass to work now. I hate being late. Oh hell, no I don't... ha ha ha ha ha... *evil grin*