Only the strong survive

I would say I am about at 75% right now. Better, but not all there yet.

Today, Alec and I redid the plugs and plug wires in Shea's truck.  I will never suggest doing this on a Nissan Pathfinder to anyone other than my worst enemy. I know who my worst enemy is right now. I would wish this on her in triplicate right now. In fact, if tuning up a Nissan Pathfinder is hell, then I would wish that was her personal one for eternity.  I would wish much worse on her right now, but it's not nice to do that. I'll stick with giving a Pathfinder a tune-up as punishment enough for being an asshole.

Today I discovered that Alec is also not 100% yet after this illness either. She did not have the strength to do some of the more fucked things needed to get the old shit off. Getting the new shit on was much easier. So I didn't feel so old or so bad since Alec also was not up to par either. Apparently this crap is a lot worse than I imagined. Considering that Alec is as strong as an ox, not to mention almost 22 years younger than I am, I felt much better knowing that she was still as weak as I think I feel.

Remember the old addage "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"? I have decided that that is bullshit. The bane of bullshit Republican thinking. There are some things that I think I would have prefered that it killed me as to have lived through the aftermath of it's destructive course through my life. There are some things that have not made me stronger. In fact, if anything, they have made me weaker and sucked the life right out of me. It doesn't kill me, it leaches me to death. It takes me to the brink of death, sucking the very life's blood out of me, almost to the point of death. Sort of like a vampire. Just leaves you hanging there, almost dead, but not quite.

It's hell walking around feeling like the almost dead. I think walking around like the undead would be preferable. I don't think the undead actually think or feel anything as opposed to the almost dead who still feel something and occasionally have a thought. Although if their torment in life has gone on long enough, they may have become so numb to the effects of the blood suckers sucking on them that they probably feel very little other than apathy or a mild sense of dread every day upon rizing. General dysphoria I think fits the bill. In my case, suicidal is more the ticket. It appears that death is the only way out of the torment.

Death, it's the surest thing in life. Birth is just a slow and painful death sentance. If we were smart, we would just kill ourselves as infants and save ourselves a lot of hassle over the ensuing 80 years or so. Unfortunately, we lack the motor skills as infants.

Have you ever been on a ride at an amusement park and prayed through the whole thing for it to end and end quickly? The Hammer comes to mind when I think of rides that need to end and end quickly. That's kind of how life is feeling these last few years. Like this ride really needs to end because it's going way too fast and in directions I do not want it to go in and I have no control over any of it. I just want off this ride really, really bad and to get back on the ground where life is real and I have control over my movements again.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, HA! At least I believe I now have built up immunities to Influenza A. It didn't kill me, although it felt like it was trying to kill me. In fact it felt so bad at times that I almost wish it had.

I am definitely not feeling any stronger.

I decided not to go back and add to yesterdays post. Although my spirit undersands perfectly, my mind is too wiped out from this illness to function.

I am feeling a tad better today. Not 100%, more like 65%. But considering what debilitating shit this crap is, I'll take the 65% over what it has been like for the last 9 days.

I asked a friend of mine the other day what it was they loved about me. The answer was, my gentleness. So I delved deeper, seeking clarity. Gentle? Moi? The bull in the china shop?

Apparently it's noticable that I can be vulnerable with others, that I can just love them unconditionally and give from my heart. That I can risk being real, authentic.

Jane, the lesson learned: Dare to risk your heart. Risk allowing others inside. Risk sharing all that is within you and giving the core of your being to others in relationship.

To risk is to find your freedom. And in that freedom is the path to your true authentic self.

Deep inside, further than you have ever gone before there is a core of pure, unconditional love. Deep within, deeper still, beyond the core, deeper still, futher and deeper, past what you thought was the end, there is more still. Creation's pure bright light. The light of pure love. Beyond all space, beyond all time. In that place where nothing but pure love exists. No form, nor void, just a state of being in love, pure and simple.

In risking your vulnerablity, you find yourself. The trick is surviving the risk. The trick to surving the risk? Letting go. Letting go of old belief systems, old patterns, all that you thought was truth. Being open. Open to spirit leading, teaching, showing the way. Be silent, listen, hear, learn, grow.

And love. Love deeply, at every turn, at every opportunity, from your core, from the heart. Purely, unconditionally.

So I have been sitting around trying to actually think and it's not working too well. I keep getting this glimpse of something about sensitivity and gentle spirits that are so sensitive that they don't fare well on this planet in human form. As you can see, I am having trouble formulating this thought into words. Mostly it's just in picture form right now. I just see gentle, sweet spirits, throwing themselves off cliffs into moulten lava to free themselves of the horrible world they have incarnated into.

Maybe it's because I dreampt of death last night, all night long. Maybe because I so wish that I could let go and be this gentle free spirit and the world I live in doesn't appreciate tender, loving beings very much. In fact, they kill them as quickly as they can find them.  Which is why I hide away. For some reason, I keep thinking I want to live.

I have to go open a car now. I am going to post this because I am certain that in my absence I will be booted and this will be lost if I do not post it now. But I will be back and I will attempt to work more on this thought later.

This is becoming sick report central. Sue and K are still home from school/work, although Sue says they are going back tomorrow. I am feeling considerably better, although I will say I still feel like shit. Which if you are getting my drift, I was pretty fucking sick if I still feel like shit and am doing a whole lot better.

Now I am off to work for a while. Hope everyone is having a fabulous day.

Still sick. Had to go out on a job this afternoon. Managed to make it through all that until the end, when I started to get a little dizzy.

I would like to say I am resting comfortably, but I am not. Aside from us all having a bad case of the flu, we ran out of propane last night and it's of course freezing. The gas guy just got here with emergency gas.

Life is not good.

Ciao

Yeah baby, I feel like shit. I really hate being sick, especially with the flu.

I have been drinking tons of water, hoping that doing that will wash this shit out of me. In a little bit I am going to take some more Nyquil and crash for the night.

Well, that's it for me. I gotta go crash now. I am dead to the world and need to attempt to rest without coughing all night.

Ciao

Yesterday, Alec was really sick. I have no idea how she is doing right now, but I can tell you that today, I am really sick. Between Sue and Kk, we are deathly ill in this house. Glenny had a flu shot, so he is probably not going to get sick. That's good because he is HIV positive and he doesn't need to get the flu. Nope, nope, nope.

It also snowed last night. All night long. We have about 5 to 6 inches out here. I had a lock out late this afternoon. Glenny drove me to it cause he is from Detroit. That actually is the only explanation you need about why he drove. It was pretty cold. It's like 14 degrees right now. So nothing is melting.

I am actually feeling better right now cause I took some Advil for the fever. I slept most of the day on and off. I am probably going to go back to bed again soon. I feel better if I am sleeping.

That's the best I can do for today. Nothing poignant to report.

Ciao

http://www.popdrain.com/videos/cheneyhuntgame.swf

This is actually poorly done, but it is minor comic relief, so enjoy. Sue sent it to me. She obviously thought I would get a kick out of it and I sort of did.

I just want you to know that I don't really watch the news on TV. I seldom know what is really going on in the world. I tend to read my news off the internet instead. Reading your news off the internet is sort of like reading the news paper in a way. Actually, it's a lot like reading the news paper. Except the local obits are missing and there is no crossword puzzle. Thank god for me that I don't like crossword puzzles.

I know about Cheney's hunting adventures because I read it on the internet. I still don't really care about it though.

I do watch the 11 o'clock news on channel 4 out of NYC almost every night. But I am not really watching. The 11 oclock news out of NYC comes on at 10 pm here. So it's really the 10 oclock news for me. We don't get local TV on Dish, we get NYC and LA stations. We seldom watch the LA stations because, well, I don't know how to use the remote or change the channels and Sue is from New York, so we watch all the New Yorks stations. Watching the 11 o'clock news out of NYC is the lead into Jay Leno.

Once in a while, like on Sunday, she has the TV on Fox channel 11 out of LA. While she is watching, it bleeds over to channel 11 news. John Beard is the anchor on channel 11 out of LA. I remember John Beard when he was just a puppy reporter on like channel 7. He kind of looks just the same, just older now.

I kind of look the same only older now too. I doubt that if you knew me in high school that you would recognise me on the street now, but if you knew me in my 30's you probably would. I am just a lot whiter in the hair department and I have more permanant lines in my face.

Speaking of white hair, I am letting my body hair (except the facial hair) grow out right now. I am pretty much a hairless person, comparatively speaking. I have very little body hair. The reason I am letting it grow out is because I want to see how much of my body hair is actually white now. See, I have had this white hair on my head since I was in my late 20's. Everything else has remained black as the ace of spades all these years. Since I shave almost every hair off my body (as long as I can actually reach it), I sincerely have no idea how much of it really is gray/white now. So far, in my quest to see how much of my body hair is no longer black, I have discovered that some of it is actually no longer black. This is kind of depressing.  So far, more of it is black that white. So I guess this is good.

Btw, I noticed that a lot of you read the post below but did not vote. I am assuming that you are men reading this journal. I just want to make a note here that while I was in OKC, some gay guy hit on me while I was walking down the street in the middle of the night. He thought I was a cute enough guy to hit on me. It made me feel good in an odd kind of way. First because he thought I was a guy and secondly because he was fairly good looking and at least 10 years younger than I am, and, he thought I was cute enough to have sex with. It was the only proposition I got all night. It made my drunken old self feel better for some odd reason.

I am off to get ready for work. I am awaiting Alec Boy's arrival a little after 11, and then we are off to finish up the Flatiron Building.

Ciao

Today I asked Glenny if I was just a fool, or just a complete idiot. He didn't answer cause he knew I was not looking for an answer. It was rhetorical.

Then later, Shea wanted to know why I was so down when the hottest girls in town wanted me. I never really got her to tell me who these hot girls were that thought I was so hot. She was drunk when she was telling me all this. I kept asking her if she meant Glenny, and if she did, had she noticed that he was a boy and not a girl. She just kept saying that I was the hottest lesbian in town and that all the girls wanted me. I felt like stopping the next female to walk by us if she thought I was the hottest lesbian in town, and did she want me, but I refrained.

It's not about being hot. Jodi is hot, everyone wants Jodi. Well, I don't, but everyone else does. Kathryn is hot, nearly everyone wants Kathryn too. I don't, but she is hot. They are possibly the hottest girls in town, but neither of them wants me.

In her own drunken way, Shea was just trying to make me feel better. Shea is a Scorpio. It's all about sex and who wants you to her. It's never about sex for me and I don't need a ton of people to want me to feel good. Knowing I am special to one person is good enough for me. Knowing that someone loves me enough to hold me while I fall asleep and wake up with me by their side every day for the rest of our lives together is enough for me.

Friday night, I spent most of the night assuring Shea that Kathryn wanted her. Then I let her cry on my shoulder in her drunken stupor because she needed Kathryn to want to take her home that night and she didn't. I am an understanding friend, I have huge, strong shoulders and lots of years of life experience to lean on when you are down. In the end, Shea got what she needed and wanted from Kathryn, just not in her own timing.

I don't care if all the hottest chicks want me. I don't need to be wanted, I need to be loved, for who I am. Once in a while. Period. It's not a whole lot to ask for. Because, in the end, we are all alone, even in relationship. You hope that you can share a sense of intimacy with someone, maybe even build a life with them. But in the end, no matter what, you are still alone.

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I'll be right here waiting for you.

Fool or idiot Glenny? He won't answer, he doesn't read my journal. So this is all still very rhetorical.

Here's your chance to vote girls. There's my most recent picture up there. Am I the hottest lesbian in town and do you want me? Even if you don't physically live in town, your vote still counts. Just vote yes or no.

I haven't had a whole lot of sleep. Shea woke my ass up with a lock out this morning at Tad's. It was the Frito Lay delivery dude. I had gone to bed around 2:30, so I think I probably got like 4 and a half hours of sleep total. I need 6 hours to be functional.

Not getting enough sleep is fucking with my anti-depressants. I am still depressed, even after taking my meds this morning. SO now I am beginning to wonder if it's the anti-depressants or something completely different that has elevated my mood of late. I am betting on the something different.

Some things have changed in my life in the last week or so. Some things I have no control over. I was hoping the meds would keep me on an even keel despite the changes. They apparently are not doing so. I feel like I am about to do a crash and burn soon. I am trying to hang on, trying not to take a nose drive. Trying to not let things get to me.

Depression is an interesting thing. You have this complete feeling of total hopelessness. You don't see anything being any different than it always has been, nor do you have the hope that it might change anytime soon. There is no light at the end of the tunnel because you can't even find a tunnel to go down in the first place.

I hate feeling this way. Which is why I got the meds in the first place. I needed some sense of hope, I hoped the meds would take the hopeless feeling away. To a point they did, at least for the first couple of weeks. The problem is, I cannot turn away from reality and not see that my reality actually is hopeless.

And that is all I really have to say right now. There really isn't anything else left to say.

I'll be right here.....

This is kind of difficult to explain but, as I grow older I find myself more patient about things that, once upon a time, I was most impatient about. Conversely, things I once was most patient about, I find myself impatient to see come to fruition.

There are some things in life that need to happen like right now, or close to it anyway. The older you get, the shorter the rest of your life is looking to you.

Remember when you were young and your whole life lay out before you like a pearl of great price, ripe for the picking? Yeah, me too. You had all the time in the world and yet you rushed around like a mad man attempting to get where ever you thought it was you wanted to go.

Then one day, you wake up and you realize that what you thought it was that you wanted was not so important after all. In fact, it had no real importance at all in the grand scheme of the universe. You woke up and realized that one thing, and one thing only was really important.

Love. As unconditional as you can give and receive it.

Love, as deep and pure as the source it comes from.

And so your perspective shifts and you learn to live from your heart and not your head. You learn that your head is your enemy and stops you from truly living your life. Your heart however only cares about one thing. Love, real love, unconditional love. That God kind of love that once you have discovered it within yourself, you never ever let it go.

Where ever you go, what ever you do, I'll be right here waiting for you.... God love in hand.

Life's too short my friends. Way too short.

 

Ok, so today I went and did it, I joined Groves Karate Studio. This will be interesting. I'll let you know just how it goes as the days go by. I am not actually going to start torturing myself until Thursday.

In other news, life is absolutely grand sometimes. Trying to get in shape again. Attempting to get healthy. Life is good.

Today was a very, very good day....

Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...

I forgot to mention that I spent the weekend in Oklahoma City at a locksmiths convention/trade show. The trade show was good. I saw a bunch of my OPLA buddies there. It was cool. It was free, lunch included, that was probably the best part of the trade show.

I had a good time afterward though. Glenny, me and Alec Boy stayed at the Habana, the gay resort there in OKC. It was definitely a learning experience for Alec. The boy had never seen gay men work their cruising magic before. So it was fun explaining what was really going on to her. Glen and I were getting a real kick out of all that.

I had the opportunity to get drunk off my ass. Something I seldom get the opportunity to do. It was good. I had fun, stumbled around a lot and laughed my ass off a bit. I am of course a bit too old to cruise anymore, but it was fun watching the "children" out there having a good time doing their "thang".

Long drive both ways. You always forget how far out in the middle of no where that we live until you have to drive so far to the "big" city. Amazingly I recognized some of the places where I was driving around in OKC from the last time I was there with Audey. That was almost exactly 2 years ago right after he got out of the Army. That was a whirlwind trip to OKC if I ever had one.

I don't recall being very talkative on that trip with the boy back then. Unlike the couple of times I pick him up from or drove him back to Fort Riley (or whatever the name of that god forsaken Army base was in god forsaken Kansas).  I don't remember much about that trip other than going to his eye doctor and the having to wait somewhere while he went to the ex's house to get his stuff (which was why we went there in the first place). I had to not go to the ex's house cause apparently she blamed me for every ill in Audey's life or hers or something to that effect. Like I actually stole the boy away from her or something.

The boy actually went willingly away with the love of his life, and that, was not me. That was the ever beautiful and wonderful Mistress Ky, whom I adore almost as much as the boy does. And my personal opinion on all that is, the Mistress has been nothing but a blessing in his tender young life. A gift he deserved and treasures.

I doubt I will be backin OKC any time soon. I really have nothing to take me there other than something such as a trade show. I don't see something like that coming up again any time soon. So OKC will just have to wait for me to come again in the distant future.

But I did have fun, and my company was most enjoyable. And Glenny is adorable as all get out and I love him to pieces. I am missing our late nights together now that he has begun working at nights again. I eagerly await his days off. Much catching up to do dear, sweet Glenny Boy.

Ciao

She's that Prag Man

Reason and logic. Practical.

Am I too practical? Too pragmatic?

prag·mat·ic   adj.

1. Dealing or concerned with facts or actual occurrences; practical.

pragmatism 

Main Entry: prag·ma·tism
Pronunciation: 'prag-m&-"ti-z&m
Function: noun
1 : a practical approach to problems and affairs <tried to strike a balance between principles and pragmatism>
2 : an American movement in philosophy founded by C. S. Peirce and William James and marked by the doctrines that the meaning of conceptions is to be sought in their practical bearings, that the function of thought is to guide action, and that truth is preeminently to be tested by the practical consequences of belief
- prag·ma·tist  /-m&-tist/ adjective or noun
- prag·ma·tis·tic  /"prag-m&-'tis-tik/ adjective

Sometimes I think I am too pragmatic. But I look at the definition of pragmatic and I cannot disagree with that definition or my adherence to that belief system.

My left brain agrees thoroughly with being pragmatic. My left brain is pragmatic, logical, practical. My right brain however thinks thoroughly differently. It does not believe that thinking rationally and practically is the way you should live your life.

Rational, pragmatic thinking does not create great works of art, know passion, nor love another person from the depths of your being. Rational pragmatic thinking does not know joy, nor ecstasy. Living becomes nothing more than a lifeless march from birth to the grave when pragmatism rules the whole of your thinking.

Being pragmatic, rational, logical, practical may cost you things that mean the world to your heart. Your heart cries out to love, to be loved. It has deep desires and longings. Should they not be fed and tended, the heart withers and dies a slow and painful death.

A slow decline unto death. My heart, my soul, my spirit, slowly withering, slowly dying, all because I must remain practically pragmatic.Turning away from love offered freely, all because it would be illogical and un practical to accept that precious gift.

Is that really what I want out of this life? Not just no, but hell no. I want to love, be loved, share love, from the depths of my being. You could say I am a walking dichotomy. You could say I send mixed messages. I say I do not. I say I love intensely, want my world to rock with love. I could say I mis-spoke pragmatically when the whole of my spirit is crying out to speak otherwise.

So what I really want to say is fuck logic, fuck pragmatism. Life is too short. Love while you can, share life while you can, while it is still there, fresh and alive. Let your heart soar in that love, rejoice in your very essence, touch the heart of the one you love for as long as that love is alive inside you.

Is that too much to ask for?

Hatchi datchi.....

Today was definitely different. Between these meds and other things going on in my life, I am feeling kind of good right now. Not perfect, but then I have never felt perfect, ever. Who has? Not me, not you, not nobody.

I went to the dojo again tonight. I had pretty much one purpose for being there. But I also had another one which I acomplished while there. I have to go back next week and finalize the latter purpose. I am not so sure I can do this thing. Not sure how I feel about all the Japanese shit. I am pretty rebellious when push comes to shove. Not that I don't understand showing respect and such, I just don't know how I am going to get into a head space where I feel safe there. I know it might sound confusing trying to comprehend what I am saying here, but I need to feel safe when I am doing something new to me. I need to feel I am protected. Much of my how people see me, being so headstrong and stubborn is born out of my need to feel safe.

I am working on feeling good about my emotional safety issues. I know what my issues are and how I have been wounded in life. Very little of my early life woundings still remain as scars that give me grief. In fact, the only real pain I have around woundings are those that as fairly recent in life.

Most of those wounds were created by my venturing out into the unknown. Taking risks I never had the balls to take before. I learned many valuable lessons taking those risks, but I also got seriously burned with some of them. I do not regret any of the risks I took. The pain left behind in the scars they created are something that with time lessen. And as I reflect on them, I learn even deeper lessons from those risks I took.

The dojo is a risk to me. For my own personal reasons. Which is why I teeter on the edge with becoming part of all that.

On the other hand, I have been sitting on this fence the last few months. I keep falling off that fence on to the scary side of it. Today I fell off again. I haven't managed to climb back up again yet. I am kind of standing there leaning against the fence looking all hot and sexy, thinking maybe I do not want to climb back up just yet. I kind of like this side of the fence. It's scary, yet at the moment I feel safe. It's risky on this side of the fence btw. Emotionally risky. Right now, I do not care. Life is too short to stay on the safe side of the fence forever.

Following my heart. Listening to my gut. Knowing that I know how to take care of myself, no matter what decisions I make or how they effect me. Setting my spirit free to soar, to live, to experience. To feel, love, experience. Life can be good sometimes.

This could get to be a regular thing. This writing on Wednesday mornings when I am supposed to get getting ready to leave for Myrtie Mae's for the caffeine downing ritual. It could be, but it's not going to be. After a few short more klatches, this will be over for the year. Soon the winter of our discontent will be over and the touristas will return. Everyone will go back to their regularly scheduled work lives in "THE" business. All of them except for retirees and people like myself who do no own or work in directly tourist related businesses.

Just as a minor aside, for those of you who do not have the sincere priviledge of residing in lovely Eureka Springs, Arkansas, Myrtie Mae's is the restaurant inside the Best Western Inn of the Ozarks. Better known as I o' the O. The Inn of the Ozarks is also where our one and only real convention center is too. The food is decent at Myrtie Mae's. They have the distinction of having the best salad bar in town.

Btw, the Joni songs were from Court and Spark, my all time favorite Joni Mitchell album. I used to listen to that whole thing over and over and over again. I used to clean the house to it. On the other hand, a better album to clean house to was Stevie Wonder's Innervisions. That was an awesome house cleaning album back in the day.

Ok, I guess I better get my shit together and go. I also stacked jobs up this morning, like an idiot, forgetting that I had coffee in the morning. Sometimes I wonder about myself. Ok, I wonder about myself all the time lately. Just when you think you know yourself, life goes and throws curve balls at you that you never anticipated.

Ciao baby...