I am sitting here with an extremely heavy heart right now. I am not so much in pain as I am bone weary from everything going on in my life right now.

 

It's not like I can't deal with stress, lord knows my life is the opening chapter in Stress 101: Chronic Examples of Stressful Lives in America, Volume I. This is not about stress, this is about a spiritual weariness. I am tired. Tired of being lonely in a house full of people, tired of aching to have someone hold me in the night, tired of never feeling good enough to be loved the way I want to be loved by someone else. Tired of accepting the crumbs thrown at me from the table. Tired of feeling like I have to accept those crumbs or starve to death if I don't.

 

Just one time in my life, I want to know what it feels like to be so deeply in love with someone who is just as deeply in love with me and actually be free in every way imaginable to be in relationship with them. Maybe, just maybe I am asking too much. Maybe that is part of the fairy tale of happily ever after that doesn't really exist. Maybe, just maybe that is something that only happens to other people and it was never actually meant to be an experience I am going to get to know in this life time.

 

I do not know the answer to my future. Whether it is too late for me now to ever experience the one thing in life I truly craved to the depths of my soul, I have no clue. I don't have the energy to search for love like that. I don't have the heart left in me to become that vulnerable again. I can't do it, I just can't put myself there again. My experience is that every time I have ever found myself in a position of being that open and vulnerable to someone else that I am burned beyond recognition before I finally slither away to lick my massive wounds. I am too weary to go through that again.

 

I almost feel numb right now. Part of that is the weariness, but much of it is also because I am at a point where I am going to shut down emotionally. I am nearing a point where I will shut off everything and everyone for a goodly while. It's kind of like drawing up into an emotional fetal position. A way of healing the wounded being inside. You still see me there, but I am not really there. I am off in some distant place, going through the motions, on automatic, my Stepford Wife clone doing the daily chores of living for me while I am off vacationing elsewhere.

 

At least I have learned not to beg anymore. Reflecting on this, perhaps I should have continued to beg for those crumbs from the table. Perhaps begging might get me somewhere still. Naw, I know better. Begging gets you nothing but contempt. And what did Suzanne say once, long ago and far away? Contempt is just this much shy of pity, and lord knows I could not live with people pitying me, let alone looking down on me in contempt.

 

Now I am done for this day. I shall rest. Mom used to like to quote that there was "no rest for the wicked". I have news for you Mom, I rest quite nicely thank you. Despite my wickedness. But then on the other hand, I don't think of myself as wicked. So nanny, nanny boo boo to you too.

 

Ciao 

 

 

 

Lynn came over today to look at the gay pride stuff and the display cases we have in the garage. While she was here, she read my cards. I asked about the Page of Cups, the predominent card in my last reading from her. In the last reading back in January, she told me that this particular Page was going to play a most important part in my life. As in life changing.

He did btw, and still is.... He came up again as the last card in my reading today. He was the happy ending to a rather painful time I am living through at the moment and a most painful time to come in my life.

She saw a period of isolation coming up for me. A time where I would be alone, answerable only to myself. A time I would spend healing myself. I knew exactly what she was talking about, she didn't, but I did.

I understand and embrace the need to spend time alone, to withdraw one's self from the people, relationships and things that drain your mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know this time is coming for me and most likely it will be fairly soon. I feel a burning within me to remove myself from that which has been sucking the life force from me for so very long now. The need to go into a self imposed hermitage.

It's not that I do not love the people and relationships I need to remove myself from, I do love them all, dearly to my core. Some times however, you have no choice if you are to survive but to go away from them to heal and regain your strength. I am near to that place now.

What I do not know how to do is explain this to those who will be affected by my departure. How can I explain that I love them no less?  I love you all, as always, unconditionally.

I do love you all so very much, but I must leave nonetheless. I do not know when this will happen, I just know that it will. The cards only confirmed what I already knew. When I leave, I do not know when I will return, or even if I will return.

I will still be here, bringing in the bacon, but I will not be here with you emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually. To you my friends and family, do not fear, for it truly is all for the good in the end. It is better I survive by taking this time, than to die in this slow and painful way that I am dying right now.

You will know when I am going, I will not surprize you. I am truly not sure what all this will entail. Just know that I will not surprize you by not being there one day and you not knowing what has happened to me. I just know that I feel a peace about all this. I know from my spirit, that this is the path I am going to embark on soon.

I have no idea what any of this truly means right now. I just know that it is coming in my future. And I have known it for some months now. Please don't see this as a rejection or that I am being anti-social. I just need this time. And right now I do not even know how I am going to arrange to make this healing time and space for me. I just know that I am going to do it, and the way to do it all will come to me.

This is all I needed to talk about right now. There is nothing left to say except that I love you all unconditionally and utterly.

Ciao

I am going to type in a poem I wrote slightly over 8 years ago. I wrote it about Sue and I believe I gave it to her. I am not sure she got it back then. She never said anything about it. So who knows what she thought. But if you ever wondered if I ever once upon a time loved her, you will see it here in this poem.

She talks with her music

in whispers that roar

while her heart burns a fire

she can't understand

And she searches unknowing

discontent in her breast

with a fathomless need

for the self that is lost

And the ache would consume her

were it not for the things

she does to divert it

and hold it at bay

With pain's sightless urging

she fills herself up

with mind opiates

bent on numbing her head

In the night with her words

she makes love with the hearts

of lost lonely girls

that she's not really met

But with late morning's light

nothing's changed and again

her illusional cycle

is reborn and refreshed

So she hides deep inside

her stone walls of concealment

a heart that is searching

that cries out for love

And if you watch closely

in instants unguarded

the tender and true heart

bursts fleetingly forth

And she'll burn in you soul

til you cannot but love her

this siren of my heart

so shrouded in pain

And her music plays on

in my head like a scream

while I bang against stone

til I lay down to bleed

And licking each wound

I wait patient like death

for the day that she finds it

the heart she has lost

 

The end

Ciao

I still haven't gotten over reading my journal. I am still seething inside over it.  That and those poems and letters I wrote Sue a little over 8 years ago.

I just want to kick myself for being so fucking stupid sometimes.

What I feel is wounded once again. Reading my life, from years ago, I know now that I treat relationships the same now as I did back then. I sit around waiting for whomever to decide they want me. By the time they finally do (if they do), I am so fucking wounded and hurt from their behavior that I can no longer trust them or let them in.

I have a bad picker. I pick the person most likely to abandon and reject me. See? I certainly am not blind to my life long foibles.

I think it was Alec who said that it would be bad for me to see Jay because it would bring back all those old feelings in me. I say there's no fucking way. Jay hurt me so bad that it was hard initially to be his friend again. Those old feelings died with the final knife blow to my heart years ago. I don't think anyone hurt me as bad as Jay did, ever. Even Sue did not hurt me as bad as Jay did, and trust me, Sue has caused me some pretty serious heart break over the years.

Which is why I am back to my old theory that it is better to just be alone. Alone you have only you to love and love you back. And if you have a good relationship with yourself, that can't be all that bad. Ok, the sex might get a little boring, like it would probably be non-existant, but hey, I can live with that. I have lived with it for years and years now. Apparently I am very capable of living without human affection.

I don't have to deal with learning how to sleep alone. I have slept alone for over 7 years now. I honestly don't miss it one bit. I am used to not having anyone to hold me as I fall asleep. I am used to not having someone to snuggle with. In fact, it would probably feel weird to me to have that around.

Frankly, I am pretty much used to being single. I just have very expensive room mates to support and be ultimately responsible for.

My heart is pretty broken right now. I am truly sad. This sadness make me wish the pain would go away, like forever and like, right now. But it never does. And it's constant. Like Chinese water torture. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Pain, pain, pain, pain.

And all I want is for it to just go away. I am not asking to be deliriously happy, I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Don't get me wrong here, I am just hurting deeply right now. And that makes me angry. I am angry at myself. Angry because I feel like I have pissed more precious time in this my life away. Now I have run out of time.

Yep, I am angry alrighty. Pissed as hell.

I am going to sleep now because there is nothing let to say right now. I am tired and I am done.

Ciao.

A couple of days ago, Alec tore through my garage and retrieved parts of my life for me. Parts I had been missing. Parts I have been crying out for. What a gift that was. To bravely go where no man has gone before and bring back parts of me I have been mourning over.

The most important part was my journal from 16 years ago. I read all 102 type written pages last night. Every word, every thought, every emotion, every change that transpired in me over a 4 1/2 month period of time. I changed dramatically in that period of time. I changed utterly and completely, forever.

I became a new being. A being I liked a whole lot better. A being I have learned to love and respect.

I wept while I read that journal. I don't even remember the person who started that journal in October of 1989. I don't remember her at all. I can't fathom thinking and feeling like that anymore.

The one theme that seemed to permeat that journal, the one thing I saw repeated over and over again was "this patient Taurus, waiting". For some reason that cut me to the core. Over and over I repeated that line. Waiting patiently. For what?

It was always for love. Waiting patiently for someone to love me. Sometimes it was someone very specific, other times it was some vague concept of sharing life, unconditionally loving and being loved. The key word was waiting. For what? Why am I waiting? For what am I waiting? For whom do I wait?

I have spent my life waiting. Patiently, sadly, mourning inside. Lonely, so lonely. Wishing to share my being with another. I fast forwarded into another folder, one from 8 1/2 years ago. And there I was once again, waiting, patiently, my own words betraying me. Waiting, for someone to love me. Waiting, patiently watching, hoping... that one day she would love me as I loved her. But she never did, anymore than my patience paid off 8 years earlier or even 12 years before that day.

Patiently aching, patiently silent, patiently feeling like a fool, patiently in love with people I can never have. Why? Because I chose, contintue to chose, people who for one reason or another are unavailable in one form or another.

I will wait for you, patiently. My words reverb off my skull. I still say those exact same words even now. I have not changed that patience thing one iota.

I am thinking hard right now between the tears. Thinking that I can't do this waiting thing anymore. Thinking. Thinking to myself.

I loved you Suzanne Ilse Rush, with a love that consumed me for almost 20 years. I waited for you. Patiently, like a good Taurus. Big hearted, loving fools that we apparently all are. Somewhere in my 43th year in this life time, I let you go from my heart. I had found someone else to wait for then. I waited less time for her than I did you Suzanne. My patience must have been wearing thin by then. Or my heart could no longer take being kicked to the curb. Maybe I loved myself enough to not be subjected to yet another person stringing me along for whatever their personal reasons might have been. I really don't know. I just know I gave up waiting, gave up the need to feel yet again, kicked to the curb.

I am thinking. How many more times will I do this to myself? How many more times will I watch patiently while my heart is breaking in two? I am not doing this again. You either love me or you don't. And you will love me on my terms. I deserve to be loved on my terms. I would rather be alone. My life grows shorter by the day. I don't have time anymore to wait, patiently or impatiently.

I don't really care who you are in my life. I am not waiting anymore. I am tired of the heart ache of waiting. No more. I am finished, I am done. I am off to heal me from all this patient waiting.

If you want me, it is on my terms now. If you cannot accept them, then we have nothing to talk about anymore. I am taking care of me now. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, is going to suck the life force out of me ever again. No more waiting, no more patiently dying inside.

Period.

Personal Daily Horoscope of Wednesday, 15 March 2006
for J, born 21 May 1954 ©Astrodienst AG    A fresh breeze *** Valid during many months: This influence stimulates your emotional life. You will experience your own feelings and allow yourself to look at the world subjectively. Your own inner feelings and your attitudes toward the world will seem as important as whatever you consider to be true or real in the external world. At this time you feel what you want to feel.

This effect manifests itself in a variety of ways. First of all, you will demand more emotional satisfaction in your relationships. It will not be enough for a relationship simply to go on as it has. If your existing friendships and love relationships do not meet your needs, you will find new ones that do. Your goal is freedom of emotional self-expression and experience.

Another manifestation of this influence is that you are likely to make changes in your home environment, demanding that it too be more emotionally satisfying. At this time it is not enough that your house is adequate to keep out the rain. You want it to be as interesting and stimulating as any other aspect of your life.

As your ability to experience your inner life is stimulated, your imagination will also be stimulated. You will see how you can make your life more interesting in areas that you had never considered before. Also the intellectual and emotional functions of your mind are more unified now. This is an extremely good time for creative work, not because it directly stimulates creativity, but because it makes you see and feel from new perspectives, which gives your creative work a new freshness and innovative quality.

 

This is my horoscope. This is my horoscope on drugs. I am not sure if this sounds good or if it sounds scary. Maybe it's scary good or something. I am too tired to "feel" much of anything right now. Except maybe trepidation. And angst. Angsty trepidation.

I am not feeling particularly creative tonight, but then this isn't supposed to start until tomorrow. So I still have a few hours before any of this should set in right?  I was supposed to feel emotional two days ago. That didn't happen anymore on that day than it normally does.

I am so exhausted tonight that I think I am beyond feeling right now. Except maybe an almost constant and certain loss, a sadness, a mourning, deep within my being. Something that could grow into some seriously real feelings eventually.

Even my body is too tired to feel. I am numb and tired from everything. I just want to lay down and drift off into a dream of shear joy. Go somewhere that I am loved as unconditionally as I attempt to love others.

I fail ocassionally in that unconditional love thing you know. I fail to meet my own need for unconditional love of myself. I can't seem to love me enough to fill all the various empty places inside me. Occassionally I find myself wishing someone else besides me really loved me. Completely and utterly loved the whole of my being. Not ever having that as a regular part of my daily existance ever, tends to break my heart. I wish it didn't, I sincerely wish I was above the need for love from someone special in my life, but I am not. And that my friends tends to make me hurt, a lot.

It also causes severe depression.

I will never forget the night that little 3 year old Allison Vania Hemme laid there in my arms sobbing, crying out "I just want someone to love me."  Oh, how that tore me to the very core of my being. Ally my darling child, my beloved little girl, so do I. So do I.

So do we all. Just want someone to love us, just as we are, for who we are, no conditions attached. I am sorry Ally, that kind of love seldom exists in this world. And finding someone who is able to love you like that is nearly impossible. Because, unfortunately, you are dealing with a world of very hurt and damaged souls. Just like yourself. Wounded too deeply and so far separated from the source of their core being to be able to see past their own pain and truly love someone else, let alone themselves unconditionally.

And that my dearest little Allison, my dearest little J, is the truth about life.

Was that enough less than passionate feeling for you all tonight? I hope so. Because I am done now.

Ciao

Sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time

My horoscope says that today I am going to be emotional. So far I am not being emotional. But it's only 1pm, there's still lots of the day left.

I am waiting for Alec to show up so that we can leave for work. I have jobs stacked up and and truly need to get busy and make some money off them.

As you can see, the storm last night did not blow us away. It blew other people away, but not us. It was pretty hairy for a while. Watching for peaking clouds is not fun. Listening for a freight train to come through your yard is not fun either. But we survived intact, no major damage, just some hail dimples in the Saturn's roof.

On the home front, Alec is going through personal hell right now with the separation/break up with Kim. All I can do is be there as the good friend that I am and be supportive of whatever she decides to do in life. It really is all I can do. It's painful watching her go through all this crap. And really, all I can do is watch. And just be there. <heavy sigh>

Life is interesting. So many ways and possibilities out there to help you grow. And some so painful to endure. So very painful and no way out of the pain but through it....

I am there for you buddy. Unconditionally. And I mean unconditionally.

Ciao

There is a huge storm coming. So huge that the Weather Channel actually has some reporter guy over in Fayetteville waiting for it to hit.

Yesterday when Alec and I were headed to Bentonville, we got hit with major sideways hail and rain. We had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Glen was home here, he went out and saved a sample of the hail that came down here. They were golf ball size.

They are warning us that this is going to be even worse.

I am so sad right now that I almost don't have the energy to care. It hurts my spirit to watch people I love dearly going through so much shit in their lives. It just hurts to watch others in anguish. My heart is so heavy that I am not really able to think about this impending danger. Guess I will go fill the bathtub so that we have water if we lose power. There's not much else we can do. The hatches are as battened down as possible.

Love you all unconditionally.

Ciao

Look into a glass onion

For those of you who are Chronicles of Narnia fans, you will recall the scene in the Last Battle where Aslan is sending the inhabitants of Narnia off to their respective rewards. As Peter, Edmund and Lucy are running swiftly through the portal into the New Narnia, they are told to run further and deeper in. And as the do, they find an ever more beautiful and more real Narnia as they progress onward. Like a pealing onion, they continue further in and find yet another and another and another and another New and More Beautiful and More Real Narnia as they continue onward.

Several years ago, while in deep meditation, I discoverd that this was true of my very being. The further in I went within myself, the more real and beautiful a being there was inside of me. Like an onion, I just kept peeling away and still there was more of me, more beauty, more depth, more love, more and more, onward and deeper inside. And then I reached what I thought was the core of my being, that place where unconditional love lives and upon entering it, I found, even more, going deeper on into infinity. What was inside me never ended. And it was filled with a base of pure unconditional love that went on forever. I could not find the end. I just became more profound and real as I went deeper.

I finally gave up looking for the end and came back, slightly confused, but in awe of all I had seen and experienced.

I was trying to explain this to Alec last night. The whole concept of there being no end, that everything only gets more profound and deeper as you go further in.

There is no heaven, there is no hell. There is no black and white, no good, nor bad, there just is.... there is the source of all creation, there is this God mind that created, is in the midsts of creating this all, is the glue that sustains it all, that I can only describe as unconditional love. He/she/it is love. You have read, seen and said this a million times before yourself. God is love. But do you really understand the ramifications of what that really means?

Love, pure love, unconditional love is God. It is what makes everything in the universe tick. Deeper and further in. Love, God love, unconditional love.

There is no judgement or punishment where God love is involved.

Follow your heart Alec Boy. Further in and deeper. Open your heart, listen to spirit teaching. Further in and deeper. Fall in love with yourself and love you the way Universal Love loves you. Unconditionally, purely, utterly, for the shear joy of your beingness, God love.

All judgement will fall away. Self loathing ends forever. Believing there are polarities can never enter your head and heart again. There is nothing that is real except for love, unconditional, from the source, God love. Everything else is a dream, only love from it's source is truly real. Know this and you will know the truths you seek.

And when you come to experiencially know this, you will finally understand how I can just give from my heart and love without conditions. There is no end to love without conditions. It is what everything is made from and so it can never end. There is a never ending supply of it all around you. Draw from that and you will never grow weary again.

When I grow weary, it is because I have forgotten all this. It is the human mind that separates us from universal God love. Go futher in and deeper. Remember what your heart and spirit already know. Wake up from this dream. Further in and deeper.

 

Never ending story....

Sue bought The Never Ending Story tonight. I had to watch it, I love it so. So guess what is stuck playing in my head right now? That's right. Now watch me attempt to go to sleep and shut that song off in my head.

Ciao baby.

If I had a box just for wishes, and dreams that had never come true...

You know how when you get a song stuck in your head and no matter how hard you try, you can't get it out? Yeah, that sucks.

The box would be empty, except for the memory of how they were answered by you.

I am not even a really big Jim Croce fan either. But I did love that song a whole lot back in 72 or 73 when it first came out. I did not however, learn to play it on the guitar. I did learn Killing Me Softly though, also a hit around the same time frame. Strumming my face with his words.... I must have not learned it all that well because, well, after all these years, I no longer remember how to play it. In fact, I remember very little of anything I once knew how to play on the guitar. Even my own songs are distant memories now. Which means I will have to write new ones to replace the forgotten old ones.

I have been working on attempting a new method of OOBEs. I haven't been successful with it yet. But then I haven't tried very hard yet either. It takes a lot of time and concentration. A lot of alone time, without a whole lot of noise and interuption going on. During the day time, when I am most likely to be alone, the phone rings. During the night time, the family is here wreaking havoc on my solitude and quiet. So by the time I have peace and quiet, it is very late at night and I am tired. Attempting to concentrate on attempting an OOBE while tired is a sure fire way to fall directly into a deep and profound sleep state for the evening.

Which is why I am have not been successful, yet.

If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do... is to save everyday like a treasure and then, again I would spend them with you....

But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you wanna do, once you find them.... I've been around enough to know, that you're the one I wanna go through time with....

The words of a man who died a few short years after penning them. Think he knew something?

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks.....

And in the end, the love you take

is equal to

the love

you make.

Going to bed now.

Ciao baby.

Give a little bit, give a little bit of your heart to me...

I am going to be 52 in a couple of months. After all these years and all the work I have done on myself, I think I am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as finding Nirvana here on earth. Course, I kind of already thought that way anyway. I just thought that if you were a good person and strove hard to do your best to be loving and kind that you would find some semblance of happiness before you departed this world again.

Sincerely, there is no such thing as happiness. It doesn't really exist. There are moments in life that can bring you great joy. But they are fleeting and leave you as soon as the situation or whatever changes. It's at the moment of fleeting happiness leaving you that you had better be centered if nothing else.

Perhaps I came to believe that being and remaining centered at all times was the key to happiness. And so I worked very hard learning how to be centered no matter what life threw my way, whether it was a bunch of shit or some serious joy.

Just as an aside here, joy is a really nice emotion. I like feeling it. I wish I could figure out the secret to feeling it continally. The greatest joy I ever knew was meeting and being embraced by universal oneness unconditional love. I wish I knew why it came to visit me that day and how to make it come back and just stay, but I don't.

So I learned to meditate. Deeply, to the very core of my being. I learned to tap into that universal oneness unconditional love thing. And that was all good. Then I made some decisions that affected me in ways that I never knew they would. There I was just going through life believing that if I followed my heart and listend to my spirit, that everything would always work out for the good.

Maybe they do all work out for the good in the end. I don't know because I haven't gotten to the end just yet. I don't know where the end is and I am pretty sure that right now I do not want to know where it is. I do know that the constant pain I feel between the minor joys in this life are becoming more than my heart can take anymore.

Sometimes I wish Ellen was still around in my life. I am not sure she could really help me at this point. It was she who believed that I had outgrown her wisdom, that I had grown beyond a need for her. I feltlike I wanted her friendship around always. But that was not meant to be. At least not in my cards anyway. I could tell her almost anything. Almost anyway. Still, like everyone else in my life, there has always been parts of me that I hid away and did not share.

There is no one who I have opened my heart up to so completely that they knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt who I really am. Hell, even I do not know the fullness of who I really am. Even I have parts of me that I have not seen yet, nor explored. And trust me, I have gone pretty far and pretty deep within myself.

Maybe the angst I am feeling right now is a new portal for me to explore even further. I don't know. I do know that it has always been severe discontent that drove me even further inside to find an answer to my pain and anguish. To find a way to heal it, to make the pain go away and be replace by a semblance of self knowledge and centeredness.

Which I guess is what I need to do now. I hurt so deeply right now. My pain is driving me onward. I do not wish to die just yet, and so I am searching for a way to live just a little while longer as I search for an answer. Always searching or an answer... for truth... when I know there is no such thing as truth.

I am going searching now. I may or may not have something to report later.

Ciao.

.