I am sitting here with an extremely heavy heart right now. I am not so much in pain as I am bone weary from everything going on in my life right now.

 

It's not like I can't deal with stress, lord knows my life is the opening chapter in Stress 101: Chronic Examples of Stressful Lives in America, Volume I. This is not about stress, this is about a spiritual weariness. I am tired. Tired of being lonely in a house full of people, tired of aching to have someone hold me in the night, tired of never feeling good enough to be loved the way I want to be loved by someone else. Tired of accepting the crumbs thrown at me from the table. Tired of feeling like I have to accept those crumbs or starve to death if I don't.

 

Just one time in my life, I want to know what it feels like to be so deeply in love with someone who is just as deeply in love with me and actually be free in every way imaginable to be in relationship with them. Maybe, just maybe I am asking too much. Maybe that is part of the fairy tale of happily ever after that doesn't really exist. Maybe, just maybe that is something that only happens to other people and it was never actually meant to be an experience I am going to get to know in this life time.

 

I do not know the answer to my future. Whether it is too late for me now to ever experience the one thing in life I truly craved to the depths of my soul, I have no clue. I don't have the energy to search for love like that. I don't have the heart left in me to become that vulnerable again. I can't do it, I just can't put myself there again. My experience is that every time I have ever found myself in a position of being that open and vulnerable to someone else that I am burned beyond recognition before I finally slither away to lick my massive wounds. I am too weary to go through that again.

 

I almost feel numb right now. Part of that is the weariness, but much of it is also because I am at a point where I am going to shut down emotionally. I am nearing a point where I will shut off everything and everyone for a goodly while. It's kind of like drawing up into an emotional fetal position. A way of healing the wounded being inside. You still see me there, but I am not really there. I am off in some distant place, going through the motions, on automatic, my Stepford Wife clone doing the daily chores of living for me while I am off vacationing elsewhere.

 

At least I have learned not to beg anymore. Reflecting on this, perhaps I should have continued to beg for those crumbs from the table. Perhaps begging might get me somewhere still. Naw, I know better. Begging gets you nothing but contempt. And what did Suzanne say once, long ago and far away? Contempt is just this much shy of pity, and lord knows I could not live with people pitying me, let alone looking down on me in contempt.

 

Now I am done for this day. I shall rest. Mom used to like to quote that there was "no rest for the wicked". I have news for you Mom, I rest quite nicely thank you. Despite my wickedness. But then on the other hand, I don't think of myself as wicked. So nanny, nanny boo boo to you too.

 

Ciao