I am going to be 52 in a couple of months. After all these years and all the work I have done on myself, I think I am beginning to believe that there is no such thing as finding Nirvana here on earth. Course, I kind of already thought that way anyway. I just thought that if you were a good person and strove hard to do your best to be loving and kind that you would find some semblance of happiness before you departed this world again.
Sincerely, there is no such thing as happiness. It doesn't really exist. There are moments in life that can bring you great joy. But they are fleeting and leave you as soon as the situation or whatever changes. It's at the moment of fleeting happiness leaving you that you had better be centered if nothing else.
Perhaps I came to believe that being and remaining centered at all times was the key to happiness. And so I worked very hard learning how to be centered no matter what life threw my way, whether it was a bunch of shit or some serious joy.
Just as an aside here, joy is a really nice emotion. I like feeling it. I wish I could figure out the secret to feeling it continally. The greatest joy I ever knew was meeting and being embraced by universal oneness unconditional love. I wish I knew why it came to visit me that day and how to make it come back and just stay, but I don't.
So I learned to meditate. Deeply, to the very core of my being. I learned to tap into that universal oneness unconditional love thing. And that was all good. Then I made some decisions that affected me in ways that I never knew they would. There I was just going through life believing that if I followed my heart and listend to my spirit, that everything would always work out for the good.
Maybe they do all work out for the good in the end. I don't know because I haven't gotten to the end just yet. I don't know where the end is and I am pretty sure that right now I do not want to know where it is. I do know that the constant pain I feel between the minor joys in this life are becoming more than my heart can take anymore.
Sometimes I wish Ellen was still around in my life. I am not sure she could really help me at this point. It was she who believed that I had outgrown her wisdom, that I had grown beyond a need for her. I feltlike I wanted her friendship around always. But that was not meant to be. At least not in my cards anyway. I could tell her almost anything. Almost anyway. Still, like everyone else in my life, there has always been parts of me that I hid away and did not share.
There is no one who I have opened my heart up to so completely that they knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt who I really am. Hell, even I do not know the fullness of who I really am. Even I have parts of me that I have not seen yet, nor explored. And trust me, I have gone pretty far and pretty deep within myself.
Maybe the angst I am feeling right now is a new portal for me to explore even further. I don't know. I do know that it has always been severe discontent that drove me even further inside to find an answer to my pain and anguish. To find a way to heal it, to make the pain go away and be replace by a semblance of self knowledge and centeredness.
Which I guess is what I need to do now. I hurt so deeply right now. My pain is driving me onward. I do not wish to die just yet, and so I am searching for a way to live just a little while longer as I search for an answer. Always searching or an answer... for truth... when I know there is no such thing as truth.
I am going searching now. I may or may not have something to report later.
Ciao.
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