A couple of days ago, Alec tore through my garage and retrieved parts of my life for me. Parts I had been missing. Parts I have been crying out for. What a gift that was. To bravely go where no man has gone before and bring back parts of me I have been mourning over.

The most important part was my journal from 16 years ago. I read all 102 type written pages last night. Every word, every thought, every emotion, every change that transpired in me over a 4 1/2 month period of time. I changed dramatically in that period of time. I changed utterly and completely, forever.

I became a new being. A being I liked a whole lot better. A being I have learned to love and respect.

I wept while I read that journal. I don't even remember the person who started that journal in October of 1989. I don't remember her at all. I can't fathom thinking and feeling like that anymore.

The one theme that seemed to permeat that journal, the one thing I saw repeated over and over again was "this patient Taurus, waiting". For some reason that cut me to the core. Over and over I repeated that line. Waiting patiently. For what?

It was always for love. Waiting patiently for someone to love me. Sometimes it was someone very specific, other times it was some vague concept of sharing life, unconditionally loving and being loved. The key word was waiting. For what? Why am I waiting? For what am I waiting? For whom do I wait?

I have spent my life waiting. Patiently, sadly, mourning inside. Lonely, so lonely. Wishing to share my being with another. I fast forwarded into another folder, one from 8 1/2 years ago. And there I was once again, waiting, patiently, my own words betraying me. Waiting, for someone to love me. Waiting, patiently watching, hoping... that one day she would love me as I loved her. But she never did, anymore than my patience paid off 8 years earlier or even 12 years before that day.

Patiently aching, patiently silent, patiently feeling like a fool, patiently in love with people I can never have. Why? Because I chose, contintue to chose, people who for one reason or another are unavailable in one form or another.

I will wait for you, patiently. My words reverb off my skull. I still say those exact same words even now. I have not changed that patience thing one iota.

I am thinking hard right now between the tears. Thinking that I can't do this waiting thing anymore. Thinking. Thinking to myself.

I loved you Suzanne Ilse Rush, with a love that consumed me for almost 20 years. I waited for you. Patiently, like a good Taurus. Big hearted, loving fools that we apparently all are. Somewhere in my 43th year in this life time, I let you go from my heart. I had found someone else to wait for then. I waited less time for her than I did you Suzanne. My patience must have been wearing thin by then. Or my heart could no longer take being kicked to the curb. Maybe I loved myself enough to not be subjected to yet another person stringing me along for whatever their personal reasons might have been. I really don't know. I just know I gave up waiting, gave up the need to feel yet again, kicked to the curb.

I am thinking. How many more times will I do this to myself? How many more times will I watch patiently while my heart is breaking in two? I am not doing this again. You either love me or you don't. And you will love me on my terms. I deserve to be loved on my terms. I would rather be alone. My life grows shorter by the day. I don't have time anymore to wait, patiently or impatiently.

I don't really care who you are in my life. I am not waiting anymore. I am tired of the heart ache of waiting. No more. I am finished, I am done. I am off to heal me from all this patient waiting.

If you want me, it is on my terms now. If you cannot accept them, then we have nothing to talk about anymore. I am taking care of me now. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, is going to suck the life force out of me ever again. No more waiting, no more patiently dying inside.

Period.