I still haven't gotten over reading my journal. I am still seething inside over it.  That and those poems and letters I wrote Sue a little over 8 years ago.

I just want to kick myself for being so fucking stupid sometimes.

What I feel is wounded once again. Reading my life, from years ago, I know now that I treat relationships the same now as I did back then. I sit around waiting for whomever to decide they want me. By the time they finally do (if they do), I am so fucking wounded and hurt from their behavior that I can no longer trust them or let them in.

I have a bad picker. I pick the person most likely to abandon and reject me. See? I certainly am not blind to my life long foibles.

I think it was Alec who said that it would be bad for me to see Jay because it would bring back all those old feelings in me. I say there's no fucking way. Jay hurt me so bad that it was hard initially to be his friend again. Those old feelings died with the final knife blow to my heart years ago. I don't think anyone hurt me as bad as Jay did, ever. Even Sue did not hurt me as bad as Jay did, and trust me, Sue has caused me some pretty serious heart break over the years.

Which is why I am back to my old theory that it is better to just be alone. Alone you have only you to love and love you back. And if you have a good relationship with yourself, that can't be all that bad. Ok, the sex might get a little boring, like it would probably be non-existant, but hey, I can live with that. I have lived with it for years and years now. Apparently I am very capable of living without human affection.

I don't have to deal with learning how to sleep alone. I have slept alone for over 7 years now. I honestly don't miss it one bit. I am used to not having anyone to hold me as I fall asleep. I am used to not having someone to snuggle with. In fact, it would probably feel weird to me to have that around.

Frankly, I am pretty much used to being single. I just have very expensive room mates to support and be ultimately responsible for.

My heart is pretty broken right now. I am truly sad. This sadness make me wish the pain would go away, like forever and like, right now. But it never does. And it's constant. Like Chinese water torture. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Pain, pain, pain, pain.

And all I want is for it to just go away. I am not asking to be deliriously happy, I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Don't get me wrong here, I am just hurting deeply right now. And that makes me angry. I am angry at myself. Angry because I feel like I have pissed more precious time in this my life away. Now I have run out of time.

Yep, I am angry alrighty. Pissed as hell.

I am going to sleep now because there is nothing let to say right now. I am tired and I am done.

Ciao.