Why is working through some stuff so hard? Other than how painful it might be, there's occasionally the fact that you are also dealing with deception or have dealt with it so much before that you don't what is the truth in a given situation.

I have spent the better part of this whole day looking from the inside out, then looking back inside again. I still have no answers for myself. I am still searching deeply for the answer, or a decent facsimile thereof.

I don't believe in anything. I know things. This is what I know:

There is no such thing as truth. Everything is open to personal interpretation and accumulated personal knowledge. There is no black, there is no white. There is no good, there is no evil. There is no right, there is no wrong. There is no beginning, there is no end. There just is, and it's varying shades of grays.

Given this knowledge, I have slowly over the years gotten rid of a lot of preconceived beliefs about life. What I basically came down to was this, anything that did no serve universal love and oneness was useless baggage. That pretty much got rid of nearly everything I ever believed. What it left behind was a few basic morals and ethics of behavior.

Those morals and ethics are, as best I can put them down here as follows:

Don't purposely cause harm to another being if at all possible. That includes not lying, or taking what is not yours to take. Always love from a place of un conditionality. Always love yourself from a place of unconditional love.  Love yourself utterly and unconditionally first and foremost, for in that place you are able to love others in the same way. Give from your heart unconditionally. Expect nothing in return, a gift is a gift, no strings attached.

There's more, but not that much.

Right now, none of what I know is useful to me because I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. It's like I am so wounded that I cannot get past the pain of my wounding to find a way to heal. It's almost as if I was mortally wounded with a wound that will take a long painful while to end my life. Or maybe like I am laying in a vegetative coma caused by blunt force trauma to the heart and I am trying for all I am worth to awaken again.

I never really thought anything could wound me so deeply that I found it nearly impossible to recover. I truly thought I loved myself enough that I could let a wounding pass through me and be able to heal any injuries that occurred. In the past I have been able to do so.

I can't seem in this state of being to pull up my knowings. Every unhealthy human thought process habit has come raging full force back into my consciousness. I can't let go and just be. I want to so very much, but the pain from the wounding is so great that I have lost the way back to how healing happens. Every time I try to go there, to that place where healing happens, this tsunami wall of pain engulfs me and drags me back down to drown me once again. Sometimes the pain is so great that I think that healing will never happen. That I will always be this wounded beast whimpering alone until Death takes it's soul.

It's like I have these two knives plunged into me, one in my back and one in my heart. I don't know how to pull them out. I know there is a way, but what always comes to me as the answer is to have them removed by the one that placed them there. That will never happen though, so I remain fixed and unable to heal and move on. You cannot undo what you have done when you deny you have done it in the first place.

And so I am stuck trying to figure out how to pull these knives out of myself. I need help because I am so weak from the pain and loss of life blood that I am unable to help myself. But there really is no one who can help me. I need someone who possesses unconditional love (which would mean they place no judgments on how or why I am where I am) who can come and help me heal this severe wounding. I needed Ellen to help me past the wounding from my parents. She did a stellar job by the way. I was able to let go and forgive my parents despite the past they were and still are unable to admit they inflicted onmy spirit. I was able to move past needing an apology or amends from them for all they did and heal myself with Ellen's help. A physician to help stop the bleeding and clean out the festering wound so that your spirit body can begin the process of recovery.

I have no Ellen anymore. And there is no hope for an Ellen to come now. There are no Ellen's in this world I inhabit here in NWA. So somehow, if I wish to live again, I have to figure out this healing thing by my self. Which is why I pulled out the 12 steps from the recesses of my past to remind me of how a spiritual healing begins.

I am powerless over this pain, this festering wounding. It has become unmanageable. Here's the kicker in all this, in program, you have a sponsor. They help you walk through the steps to a spiritual healing. They work very closely with you to keep things real, to keep you real and honest with yourself and your situation. There are no sponsors around here, not ones that can help someone who is lost in a spiritual wounding.

Which I guess is what I need to ask for in my meditations right now. Send me a healer, even if it is my higher self, I care not who or what comes to help, just send someone or something to help heal this broken and wounded spirit.  

2. Came to believe (know) that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Anything to take this pain away and bring me out of this coma.