Why did I cry? If you had been able to ask me that question while the song was playing I might have been able to answer. I am not sure. In that moment I knew why my tears were falling. I remembered vividly. For in that moment the walls of protection fell and I was open and vulnerable again.

How far and wide this river flows. How deep the words trapped in my soul. I was a poet and you didn't know it. I was the muse who's words fell on deaf ears. So long ago, so long ago.

I was trying to make a deal with you tonight. I don't think I got my point across. In fact, I know I didn't. I had to protect my heart so many years ago. And so I built this fortress and locked myself away. Now living this dark and lonely death of heart for so many years. Lost, alone, so very, very alone. All my childhood pain renewed. I must hide away, I must protect the tender heart within.

The deal is/was, you have to pursue me, hard, harder than you have ever gone after any prize you wanted with all of your heart. You have to prove to the wounded being within me that you really, really want it, enough that you are willing to sacrifice more than you have ever sacrificed in your life. And the sacrifice I ask? Share your very core being with me and allow me to share my being also with you.  Share your soul to the core with mine.

I am more wounded now than ever. Not only by you, but by all I have done to myself since you first hurt this heart of mine. Can I love you again as I once did? I am not sure I can love anyone ever again. I am so deeply wounded now that I am not sure what I can feel ever again, for you or anyone. And yet, as I sit here writing this, my heart is breaking and the tears fall around me. I think I am feeling whether I want to or not.

If my heart could trust again, I could love you more than I ever did before. If I thought you loved me as much as I love you, my love would become a tidal wave crashing over your shores. If I believed, if I could believe, if you could help me believe. Help me tear down the fortress. Be brave, as I can no longer be brave with matters of the heart. I am shell shocked beyond words from the pain in my heart. Help me heal the wounds that keep me entrapped.

What are we celebrating? That you are willing to do whatever it takes to help me out of my self imposed prison. That you are willing to love me enough, to be selfless enough to help me back to you, to a real us.  That I am willing despite my intense fear to let you go there with me....

Help me. I can't get there without you......