We, at least most of us anyway, seem to be able to rationalize nearly every action and thought that originates from ourselves. Good or bad.

I tend to be especially adept at this particular talent. Rather than admitting where we have erred/trangressed (or rather to keep this personal, please read I when you see we, have erred and/or transgressed), we come up with elaborate self talk meant to soften our actions in our own heads.

I am truly a master of this art. I could teach it on a graduate level. I am exceptionally well versed at admitting to faults and errors that are most obvious to others, even an occasional one that isn't so obvious. Why should I hide them? But conversely, I am equally good at making them seem as if I am a saint for admitting to them. Well, maybe not a saint, but somehow more highly evolved or something close to it.

I am neither a saint nor a sinner. I am one of a vast multitude of souls who miss the opportunity for growth because we/I never truly face our real selves and meet the real being within us directly. We lie to ourselves and therefore, never truly know our real self.

I am a liar who lies to myself more than to anyone else. I like to conjure up several Js who are this and thus and such. Never anything you would consider grandiose or impossible Js to exist, simply Js that are not the whole real J.

Oh I must admit that the Js I made up long ago in my youth where rather grandiose, certainly no where near the real me, but truly, how far have I really come in the last 20 years or so that I am so very different?  I am angry and bitter right now because I have been so deeply betrayed by others, yet I am a betrayer in my own special way. I rant about loyalty, and yet, I have failed to be loyal. And then made up a good story about why I had the right to not be loyal or faithful or true. Stories about where I remained faithful and true on some level, stories about why there was no real transgression on my part. Or stories about why my transgression was justified in some way.

Here's what I have been thinking about a lot lately: (please note the items bolded, they are the ones I am most concerned about in my own life right now)

The Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over (name your addiction/mental and/or emotional illness)—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of that Power as we understood it.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to that Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power as we understood it, praying only for knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

Most people don't even get this far on their path. Most people never realize just how fucked up they really are. And then there are liars like me who know how fucked up they really are and still continue to do things that cause pain to others. We rationalize our actions. Like I had some right to transgress.

There are even plenty of people out there who know my transgressions and give me lots of rationalizations about why what I did was right or OK or completely justified. Whatever. I still hurt people with my actions. I even tell myself if there had been any other way to achieve my goals/desires/wishes, I would have taken those routes. But the truth is, I went the way I went and in the end, others were injured by my actions.

Does this all make me some terrible person? No, it makes me someone who needs to get real if I want to continue down a spiritual path of growth. I have been so bitter and angry for so long now over decisions and choices I made that I have been busy justifying my actions for years now.

So I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, I might be the first person that I need to not only admit my wrongs to, but also make amends to. It doesn't change my situation, but it at least lets me get seriously honest with myself. I have been screaming until the cows come home about how I am aware that I created the world I inhabit, but when I think about it honestly, I still blame others for me being stuck where I am in life. I am still extremely hurt and angry at them for my situation.  I blame them for my being stuck in a place I cannot get out of or find happiness in.  Even if only on a subconscious level, I still blame them for where I am in life.

Well, the truth is, they are not going to change and I cannot make them change to suit my personal needs or wants. All I can do is change how I respond within myself. And be honest with myself about it all. Instead I have sought every dishonest way out of the situation I have created that I could find. Well, not every one, but close.

I came to the realization the other day that if I had really wanted out of the situation I am in, I would be out of it by now. I actually have had multiple opportunities out. But like a coward, I have lied to myself about the situation and my role in how deeply I have gotten to where I am in it. Because I cannot face the pain and work through it, I have run, acting as if I am some caged wild animal, seeking a path back to my natural habitat.

And in that cowardice, I have hurt others. Deeply. I don't use drugs or alcohol to hurt others, I use my embittered, rage induced actions, my justifications as to why what I am about to do or doing is perfectly acceptable behavior. Why yes, of course, this action will free the cage wild animal who is dying in here. Bullshit. I built a worse situation through my actions than existed before and I hurt others along with myself in my quest to be assuaged/right/justified.

And I accuse my former lover/best friend/soulmate of all this.... I am such a fucking hypocrite. Glen thought she had some serious balls, I have more, I have had more time to lie to myself to grow them just that much bigger.

Am I angry with myself for all this? Sort of, but more, I am sad for all the pain I have caused so many people, myself included. I am not a fool, I am just sick. Sick with lies in my head and heart. In need of a healing. In need of a fearless moral inventory. And then the amends.