Last night, I was processing by myself, despite what anyone else might think. I realize they were there listening to me move onward in my thought process, but in reality, I was talking to myself out loud and on purpose.

I never changed my subject matter, no matter what the conversation might be seeming to morph into. I was going where I was going and I didn't morph with the conversation. I had a single purpose, process through these feelings, despite the lack of functional help around me.

Part of my intense anger lately is the lack of functional sounding boards or mirrors to work through the process of where I have taken myself in the last several years. In laymen's terms, I have no one safe to talk my shit out with so that I can come to a deeper understanding of how I got from point A to point B without being judged for having any of the myriad of feelings I have morphed into feeling, especially in these last 2 years.

Even the mental health professionals in this area are not safe. I am not sure where they got their degrees, but it appears Cracker Jacks has made a fortune off selling degrees and licences to a whole lot of LFMCCs around these them there parts.

I am not a psychologist, yet I seem to have studied psychology much more in depth than anyone else I know right now. Up to and including mental health care providers in the area. What I wouldn't do to have someone like Ellen Betz around again. When you manage to get yourself in an emotional and mental pickle like I have gotten myself into, it truly helps to have someone safe and nonjudgemental to process your thoughts and feelings with. When everyone around is dysfunctionally judgemental, or deeply self absorbed, it becomes impossible to process with anyone else.

Sometimes you just need another person to sit there and point out (gently I might add) the defect in your thinking process. What it is, is that often someone else can see much more clearly through the forest you have created that you cannot see your way out of. Shame based folk don't have the ability to gently help you process through your jumbled up mess of thoughts and emotions. They merely shame you for having feelings at all and mainly because they are so far not in touch with their own feelings that they cannot leave their own shit at thedoor when they are talking to you.

You can know all that about them, and allow them to be where they are in their process of growth as a person and yet, it does not help you to know they are severely dysfunctional in your quest to work through and out of the shit you have built in your life.  It just lets you know that you will not be attempting to share any thing with them ever again until they find that place within themselves they are able to come from a place of unconditional love and not self condemnation and shame.

So I processed by myself last night. I needed to talk no matter what. I have been so torn lately, so angry at myself for creating this world full of people who have used their extreme dysfunction to harm myself and others. I drew them to me, this I am fully aware of, yet I chose to allow them access to my inner world. That was my bad.

I have become angry with them for their dysfunctional behavior. I can't fix them, nor would I attempt to fix them. That's their job. And their first step is knowing that they are extremely ill mentally and emotionally. The only thing I can honestly do is cut them out of my life if I do not want their dysfunction around me attempting to destroy my being. I have done that. And then been condemned for cutting them out of my life and not allowing their sickness around me or my family. The reality is, I am the only person I have the right to be angry with, and even that is not fair to me.

If you come from a place of loving people as unconditionally as possible, you tend to know that almost every person on earth is doing the absolute best they can as a person under the given circumstances of their present life and past history. And I do do that with almost everyone I encounter in life. When some's severe dysfunction becomes a threat to my home and family, that is when I ask them as nicely and with as much love as I can, to go out of my life until they get the help they need and heal from whatever it is in them that makes them harm themselves and others. Some people like to call that tough love.

That happened with Garrett a few weeks back. His substance abuse, and the underlying causes of it, became a situation where it was not safe for him to be in this home and around children. So he was sent off into the world to get helpas he was not willing to get help while he lived here. My former lover/best friend/soulmate was also sent away because of her severe dysfunction, although she did not want to go peacefully or without throwing that one last painful punch. I was and am fully aware that she too was and is doing the best she knows how given the world she has created in her head because of her mental illness and the history she suffers from. It still does not mean I can or could futher allow her to attempt to harm me or my family in her sickness. And so she remains cut off from me and will until the day she gets the help she needs and heals from her mental and emotional illness.

If I cut everyone off in my life who was dysfunctional in some way, I would have no friends or family, nor would I be talking with myself much. The difference is (and somehow we could not get this across to Garrett), I know where my dysfunction is and how to work my way back to a mentally and emotionally healthful state. I am very aware and intune with my inner workings and I know how to reach me and heal or fix myself when I have swerved off the course. Which is where I am right now. I also know when I have gotten beyond my own ability to help me and need a sounding board/mirror.

Being angry like this for any reason for a prolonged period of time is not helpful to my growth, nor is it healthy for my body, mind and spirit. Which is why I need to process. If I am off track (which I promise you I am way off track right now), then I need to be lovingly helped back on track. In my case, I am far enough off track right now that I am finding it difficult to do it myself. So I seek out help. There is no help available. No wise and unconditionally loving persons around me in my world. And mainly that is because no one like that lives here near me. See, I know people like that exist because I have known many a person like that in my life before I moved here. They just don't live in my sphere of existance right now.

So I am struggling, working by myself, trying to sort out the anger and hoping that the things that trigger that anger don't continue to bombard me while I am processing. I have tried as best I know how to explain why having the triggers around me while I am trying to process through my feelings is not helping my situation at all. Having the sick people I cut out of my life becauseof their dysfuntion push their way back into my face and life triggers me. And I know they know they are doing this too. If only on a subconscious level, they know they are reopening wounds they caused and reinflicting the damage they caused while I still allowed them in my life.

Somehow I have to get past the pain when I am hit again and again. Somehow I have to not feel the pain that triggers the anger. That is what I cannot seem to learn or work through. When they hit at you, don't let the blow cause pain. That takes love I do not possess right now. Because not feeling their blows takes utter and complete unconditional self love. And right now, I am not in that place at all. I am not condemning myself, I am just in a state of being shell shocked by the bombardment. So feeling love at all, for anyone, let alone myself is difficult at best.

And that my friends is the state I am in in my process. Finding that place of unconditional self love. Alone, working through it all by myself. It's an inside job Garrett my friend. And the only way around it is through it......

As I am want to say "Life's a bitch and then it's a bitch."