The other day in karate we did this thing that I don't know the name of. It's where one person stands in the middle of a whole bunch of attackers and one by one the attackers attack the guy in the middle and they have to defend themselves.

Well, when it was my turn to be in the middle, Sensie had several persons attack me at once, bringing me down to my knees and then to my back. It was literally a dog pile on top of me. I couldn't have gotten out of that no matter how hard I tried. It was all in good fun and games and we all had a good laugh over it at the time. This little experience however reminded me of a lesson I had learned a long time ago.

The lesson? Without divine intervention, if you are standing alone with no one to help you walk through a possible ambush, you are going to be brought down on your back and killed by an army of ambushing attackers. So no matter how much you may want peace and to walk away from an enemy who started a war you never wanted with you, you can't if they won't stop fighting. All you can do is let them finally kill you if you have no help to keep them from killing you.

At the end of Ultimate Journey, Robert Monroe says that one thing that does matter in the spirit is what other people think about you. I would have liked to have asked him to explain that a little more indepth, like how exactly he knew that (like what did he see or what was he told in an out of body experience that gave him that information). Unfortunately he died 3 years before I read that particular page with that particular information on it.

I understand a bit about that theory. Basically what that really means is that if someone believes good things about you, then good energy is going to be sent your way. If someone thinks bad things about you, they will be sending bad energy your way. You get enough bad (or good) energy going your way at once and it can change the course of things in a person's life.

So here's what I tried for the first couple of months with "her". I lit green candles and sent healing love and light to her everyday after I found out exactly how bad she had lied to me and about me, and how bad she had betrayed me. That didn't work because she still continued to lie about me to anyone who would listen. And the sad part is, she is still lying about me to anyone who will listen and still trying to do whatever she can to hurt me and my family.

So what do I do now? She has gathered as much of an ambushing army as she can and has ambushed me. Should I die or pray for divine intervention?  The reason I had/have forgiveness on my mind so much is that I keep thinking that forgiveness is the spiritual key here to make her war against me go away. If I turn the other cheek and walk away she will just have to give up right? Her and her army who thinks they are following a righteous, honest and honorable leader who has every right in the world to attack me. They all walk away bored to tears once they see I am dead, right?

Luckily for Kaitlyn, our friend's child was there and defended her when she was attacked for being a "devil worshipper".  He set them straight so to speak. Kaitlyn doesn't know who the devil is. She has no real concept of how much of an attack it was to be called a devil worshipper.  I think in the end it was the whole screaming match exchange between all the children that was the hurtful part to Kaitlyn. This whole thing has been very painful to her because "she" has used "her" kids to try to hurt me. In using her kids, she created a rift between Kaitlyn and her middle child who were once best friends (prior to this shit starting in January).  This has deeply wounded Kaitlyn. How do I forgive someone hurting my child like that? Or even her own children?  I love them too and there is nothing I can do to save them from her illness.

Yes, I understand that she is ill. Why do you think I prayed so hard for her healing?  Considering that one of those 7 day candles burns for close to 7 days, I probably lit and empowered at least 8 of the green ones in the attempt to help heal her from her illness. This isn't alcoholism she is sick with, this is a life long problem with pathological lying.  And it's more than just the lying part of her, she also has something else in her that is even more harmful to herself and others. Just know that in her illness, she is able to make up stories and believe them to a point herself. I can tell you that had I known that she was so sick, I never would have fallen prey to her advances on me.  Had I known what I know now, I never would have allowed her to get so close to me in the first place.

And I say none of that out of malace. It's just fact, painful, heartbreaking fact about her. Even if I had never loved her, even if she had never told me she was in love with me, even if this whole thing had never happen between us, I would still have a broken heart over how sick she really is. And that would be because I know how painful this sickness is to everyone she comes in contact with or gets involved with too closely. Like the house mouse, she believes that my trying to warn her about "her" was me being jealous that she had gotten "her" and I had some how "lost" something I wanted to her.  It had nothing to do with jealousy, because at the time I was warning her, I didn't believe that either one of them had it in them to do what they finally did in the end to "her" sibling. I had no idea the house mouse was just as sick in her own way as "her".

House mouse's thinking is the belief system of the young, stupid and straight. Old gay people like me don't play dumb ass games. They just make decisions about whether someone deserves to be forewarned about an impending disaster or not. That's where I made my only real mistake. She obviously did not deserve to be forewarned. In fact, her inability to hear a genuine warning is how karma will be helping her learn her lesson in the end. Because she will end up in the exact same place as everyone else who has ever been in "her" life.  It's just a matter of time and whomever brings along the best opportunities to "her" in the meantime. "She" will always go for whatever is the best and most opportune thing for her and "fuck" everyone else who gets in the way, that's part of the disease. She has no real ability to be loyal to anyone particular thing or person. And I believe that that is part of the illness too.

So house mouse had her chance to be "saved" and chose not to believe she was in any peril. And that's all good because it's obviously her lesson and I refuse to stand in the way of anyone's karmic lessons.

Anyway, so I am still working on the forgiveness thing. In light of the horrible things I learned last night, it's adding fuel to the pyre of things she has done that must be burned in the fire of forgiveness for her.

I guess that I just wish that I knew people were standing with me and Sue in all these attacks against us. I know that I cannot trust smiling faces I see around here. Smiling faces have on more than one occassion turned out to be the faces of liars and back stabbers. I am burned out and I trust no one anymore. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to love unconditionally and go through life giving from the depths of my being. It is breaking my heart to have to close off like this just to protect myself and my family from the sicknesses of others.

And I feel so all alone in all this. I absolutely trust no one except for Sue and Glen. You have no idea how sad and heavy my heart is right now.

I appreciate all the feed back I got on the forgiveness post. Just know that I am always grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Now I am off to meditate for a short moment or so and then to work to make a little bit of money to help pay the mortgage this month.