I know you all think I harp on this karma thing. What you don't know is that I had Barbara Harmony do an astrology reading for me last year. In that astrology reading she told me that her take on all those planets being in my 12th house were that I had a lot of karma that I was going to be dealing with/clearing up (whatever) in this life time. And honestly, it wasn't just her reading that got me thinking about all this karmic stuff in my life, this has been something I have thought about since I was at least a teenager (and yes, that was a very long time ago).
I think I may have mentioned in here that somewhere around 1990 or so that it came to me that I needed to live life to the fullest. To live fully, open mind, open heart, open everything. Live it in unconditional love. For myself, for everyone and every thing.
Well, I did try to do that. I lived every moment fully, as if there would be no other. Lived those moments fully in the present as if there was no tomorrow. Loved others as if they deserved to be loved and honored utterly and unconditionally. I did that up until about 6 months ago with everyone as much as I possibly could. Until somewhere around October of 06. Until I figured out how bad I had been used by someone I had been loving that way in my life.
I know that every life you encounter (at least that I encounter) has something karmic involved in it. So of course I have always been very aware of how I was karmically connected to others. I knew that this person and I had a deep karmic bond and that there was a depth to this relationship that had nothing to do with today or or the lives we lived now. But I have also felt and known that about many a person in my lifetime, so this was not some new feeling for me about another person.
At any rate, this last deep karmic relationship for whatever reason broke that spell I was under about loving and giving to others unconditionally. It's not that I can't love unconditionally anymore, it's just that I will most probably never allow myself to ever be so close to another person again that I am faced with having to accept them in their totality and love them with out judgment despite themselves. I am not saying I will judge them instead of loving and accepting them unconditionally, I am saying I will never know them well enough to know there is something about them to judge and condemn them for. I am back to my wise interpretation about life that I developed at age 7. It is better to be alone, better to be a hermit. Better to never be close to other humans if at all possible.
For all the pain and anger I have felt because of my reaction to being betrayed, lied to, used, stolen from and stabbed in the back, in this last year, I am now, finally closing down my heart after 17 years of being open. I just can no longer do this unconditional stuff anymore. Not now anyway. I think my ability to remain open with others has been pretty good considering. I just can't continue to be open and loving anymore. I look around me and I know that people are talking trash about me and I know where it all came from. I think to myself that it's pretty shitty that she has to get people talking trash about me and even Sue now in order to validate her actions against me in the last year. I think that that's pretty sick. And I do want her to know that if I find out that she had even one millionth of one percent of anything to do with what Shewhoshallnotbenamed had to do with hurting Sue this last week, well, you know baby, karma is a two way street.
I am withdrawing any and all energy I ever put into anything that had to do with anyone or thing other than my immediate family that lives here with me. I personally believe that, karmically speaking, I have learned whatever lessons and been paid back for whatever I may have needed to get paid back for in all previous lives now. And now that I am through taking whatever punishments for things I did in a past life with her, I am withdrawing and now I am letting others get their just rewards for things they did in past lives and are currently doing in this life. I am stepping aside and if you are not in my direct family's line, if I have been protecting you in any way, watch out cause it's all coming down the hill toward you now. The unconditional love is gone and so is the protection that I covered you with so that you wouldn't have shit come against you for all the evil things you did/do to other people.
As for me, I am done. Finished, it's all over. I don't care about anyone or anything anymore except my immediate family. I don't want anyone to get a wrong impression here, I have been feeling this way for sometime now. I don't want any egotistical twirps to get it in their head that I have been sitting here loving them unconditionally, still wishing only the best for them the last 4 months. I haven't. In fact, I have been sending back everything they have done and might still be doing to them. What it is, is that anything they have done or have attempted to do has met up with a very thick and impenetrable wall. So their shit has no recourse but to return to it's source.
The reality is, this is not about revenge, it's about cutting losses and walking as far away from a person and situation as possible. And that includes walls to keep their shit away from you.
Do I wish her the best in life now? I wish her nothing. I do not wish, period. I have walked away and washed my hands. Whatever happens to her happens to her now. And I do not care either, nor will I be putting any energy into what is going to happen with her and her life. I just don't give a rat's ass.
And even when I find out that she has stumbled and her world has been destroyed because of her dishonesty to and betrayals of others, well, I still won't give a rat's ass. I am done with her forever and do not care anymore. So that whole thing I said back in January about welcoming her back with open arms when she finally does confess to everyone for lying about me and apologizing to me for all she did? Not gonna happen. I won't even be there for her to apologize to should that day ever come. All that unconditional shit is gone now.
And how did I get to this point in my spiritual evolution? Well, honestly, it doesn't really matter what painful thing happened in my life that caused me to make this decision. All I can say is that my childhood assessment of humans was very much right on the money when I was seven. Humans are evil and to be avoided at all costs.
4 comments:
She left for awhile and I chatted you and a few others up. The evening was coming on and I was complaining about no one to play pool with and I think it was Nancy or someone, god names all blur after 30 something years said, "Oh you should play so and so. She'll kick your ass" and I said very offhandedly "oh I already beat her". The room stopped again. I was like whaa??? And you said, "She did, I was here. First game too". with that winning smile of your's. Then started introducing me around. That is when I learned I had beaten the best. Whomever she was considered to be dammed good. I basked in your light then. I was protected and felt that you would not allow the others to harm the new "baby dyke" as I would come to be known. ugh. I was so naive. I also suspected that should you but give a nod I would be taken out back with a baseball bat. You had that power and I sensed it. I did not challenge it. I did not fear it. You simply had it. I remind you once
Why the long story? Because of what I learned. The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Place yourself in that space and live your life to it's fullest. Do not pull back and retreat. You never allowed me to and I will not allow you to either. Balance your energy. Prioritize. And do not have hatred, but indifference
My Dearest Friend. I will remind you. Always remind you of your worth and good. I have been reading your journal for quite some time. We met when I saw you at I Mary's. I was the one that walked in alone and put my quarter, a lot of money in those days, on the pool table, only to find that you had to write your name on the black-board. You were Bartending. Being yourself and I delighted in it. More than likely fell in love with you at that very moment. I remember that no one would talk to me much. And why should they. I was no one to them. Just some new dyke to try out. And try they did. I was not understanding the hierarchy. I played my first game of pool while watching you between shots making people laugh, being witty, tending to the needs of all around you. Oh, yes, I know you were keeping an eye on me too. It was the 70's. (They were still sending out undercover's then). I forget her name but never the look she gave me as I sank the eight in the called pocket. I just remember that I was swigging back beer (I was so cool) and she looked at me as if I had killed her only child. I believe the term "oh fuck" came to mind as I thought this was the beginning and the end of my new found Gay life. I offered her up a genuine smile with no malice or anger or fear and said "Thank you , great game", extending my hand for a friendly handshake. She took it and mumbled something about 'yeah right.
I do appologize about the repeat performance on your blog there Doc. I guess I only wanted to say I love you unconditionally. And I do not want to see you pull back when you give so very much. always,
Gianna
Honestly? I can't even muster up hatred that is how apathetic I am about things now. What I am doing is stepping out of the way of karma and letting her do her job now.
The real issue however is, I am just burned out emotionally from everything. Loving unconditionally used to be so easy. Now it's become this horrid chore. I just don't feel it anymore. It's one thing to love those you are close to and show them unconditional love. But an enemy? Or someone you do not know at all? I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
I am done, regrouping, healing, but done for now with being there. It's one thing when "they" fuck with me, but when they take my innocent and gentle Sue and fuck with her... well, now I am done with being loving. Now I am just gone and out of the way no longer protecting people who are not innocent. Maybe that is what real unconditional love is... stepping aside and letting the guilty get their karmic just rewards. I think they call that tough love.... fear not, I am still there for those who are my family. Always and forever.
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