Ship Ahoy!

Well, I have to say that I don't feel any worse now than I have for most of the week. That is because when you have hit bottom, everything is sideways from there, emotionally and otherwise. Very little can happen and effect you any worse. There is a place where you have to look up to see bottom, but I think I'm not there yet.

Like I am just kind of there right now. Other than some slight generalized discomfort in my heart, there's not much left in the emotional sideways range. Wouldn't it be swell if my old therapist Ellen read this and wrote me back and said "J, you know you are in total denial about how you are feeling right now, you know you have shut down because you can't handle anything else. Is that a good thing? No. Now how can we get this wellspring of pain to be released so that you can go on and deal with this stuff?" Then I would say "Well, Ellen, I think a .44 to the cerebral cortex would do the trick (maniacal laughter). But seriously folks.... FUCK YOU ELLEN! Take your $150k plus a year job and god knows how much else you make in your private practice and shove it up your anal retentive ass."

There is something I hate more than anything else on earth and it just so happens that it happened to me tonight. In fact two things happened that I really hate. I was amazed at how calm I felt after it happened. Almost serene in fact. It just kind of oosed sideways out of me and I felt only minor discomfort. Maybe because I was not ready for, or expecting it. So when it happened I was not prepared to think or feel anyway. It took the better part of an hour or more for it to really hit me. By then I was talking to someone else on the phone and recalling the incident to them when, well, it just hit me kind of hard. But I shoved it back down so that I would not go into a crying jag over it. That's not going sideways, that's going further down. Or maybe it's up, Ellen would have thought it was.

Mom was right, I am jello, spineless jello. Backbone of rubber. See Mom you were right, you were always right about me.