One thing about going through years of psychotherapy is that, you know how to trace down your source of mental and emotional discomfort. You also tend to not lie to yourself about why you feel the way you do. Like, I know why I am so depressed. I know how I got here.
If I write long enough, I will get undepressed right? I think not. My mind and emotions are saying "the drug I need to undepress me is not available", but lordy I need that drug right now. It's bad when something becomes a drug to you. Bad drug, bad! Down drug, down! Sit, stay!
This is how therapy works, you figure out exactly why you are fucked up, you heal from that and then you choose a different pathway in how you interpret and see things. The different pathway is that I know why I want the drug. I also know that knowing this will keep me away from the drug. Simply because I know I "need" it.
Did I mention I was an interloper? As an interloper, I have no right to feel like I can have my drug. And so I don't have my drug. Here's the real twist, even if my drug was available and I could have it all I wanted, I wouldn't have it for eternity anyway. I actually prefer things as they are right now in someways. Feeling that way keeps me safe, keeps other people happy. But damn I miss it. I miss my drug.
Like any good drug addict though, the drug will win out. Eventually. Which is where my Catch 22 is, the drug also feeds the depression when it is gone. I "need" the drug to feel better, but once it is gone again I get depressed. See? I could write a book. Which in the end means, it is better to just go through the withdrawls and bite the bullet.
See how psychotherapy helps you understand yourself better? I now know and why I am so fucked up, I just don't care when the drug so fucking rocks! But I will get over that, eventually. Until then I lament the loss.
So if anyone ever accuses me of not understanding addiction, you can tell them that's bullshit. I do understand, I totally understand.
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