Ocassional bright spots

Have you ever noticed that ocassionally, amid a sea of things just not going your way that there are some bright spots? Like I can be feeling pretty down and then my little girl comes over and sits on my lap and hugs me and tells me she loves me and that makes all this hell I call life worth it for that moment.

I am weary right now, bone weary, feel like death warmed over. It's physical exhaustion (a 600 plus mile drive will do that to you), but it is also mental and emotional exhaustion. I have been in this place before, it's just been a long time. What I wish is that someone would come along and save me, but that is not going to happen. Generally speaking, no one ever comes along and saves me. Generally speaking, everyone expects me to come along and save them.

I am always the strong one, even though I am not very strong. But I appear strong and so they flock to me looking for my support. I also tend to attract weak and needy people. I used to have this little joke when I was young. I used to tell people I was Atlas, that I carried the world on my shoulders. That was my little joke. I however am not Atlas anymore.

Two things can and do sap my strength, money problems and a broken heart. If I get them both at the same time I am sooo fucked.

I am looking for a bright spot in my life. Something I can cling to that says it's worth it. I don't have the ability to stand up and fight right now, I am so weary, so weak. I wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. I need a Mommy right now and all I have is me and I am too weak to do that for me right now.

This is not a pity party, the reality is, I don't feel sorry for myself, I am too weak to muster up that energy. I am just trying to figure a way out of this fog of depression and try to muster the energy to go fight the enemy and save the fort. In the end, I am all that stands between this family here and homelessness. There is no time for pity. So I dialog with myself to work up the strength I need. I am looking for that ocassional bright spot to give me hope and maybe instill me with just a little more strength to get through this right now.