When I was a kid, my mother lied to us a lot to get us to do what she wanted us to do. It didn't take me long to catch on that she was lying. By the time I was 3, I had her number down pretty well. It really used to piss me off when she would do that. When I balked at her lies, told her she was not telling the truth, she would get pissed and then just insist that I do whatever it was she wanted me to do period or else. She would have done better to have just insisted in the first place and let me have a shit fit over having to do what I did not want to do and be over with it. All she managed to do was destroy my trust in the end.

I made a promise to myself back then that I would be hyper vigilant about watching out for lies and liars. I learned to never trust my government, I guess that's one good thing that came of that. Because let's face, they are liars and can't be trusted. And they do treat us like children they are trying to control with lies.

I never got very good at seeing through other people's lies though. Unless of course it was blatant. Pretty much I have been snowed a whole bunch over the years by some of the finest liars that have ever lived. But that was my fault because I wanted to believe their lies. I wanted to believe they loved me or wanted to do this really cool thing for me or whatever.

Choosing to believe a liar has almost always been to my detriment. For me, especially in personal relationships, whether friendships or lovers, or both or whatever, it's always been best for me and worked out best if they are just honest up front. It works out great for me and for them. They usually still get whatever they want from me, it's just that honesty will get a more healthy response from me and from them in the end.

Many people question how I can be with Sue considering the contents of what appears to be in this relationship. Yes, it's true we do not have a very conventional relationship. We don't sleep together, we don't have sex, we are relatively unaffectionate with each other. And theoretically our relationship is open in that "theoretically" we can have sex with other people if we chose to do so. So why does this relationship still hold on after 10 long years of it? Besides the promise I made to Marty?

Well, there are a variety of reasons, some complicated, some not. First off, we both need personal space to do our own thing. We both give the each other that space and are very comfortable in doing so. That's a big bonus in a relationship. But one of the main reasons is, Sue seldom is dishonest with me. From the very beginning she was honest about how she was not in love with me. You can't ask for much more honesty than that. She was also honest (sort of) when she was having that little emotional online tryst with that whore in MA. Sometimes I think it would have been a better payback to that whore to just let her have Sue, but no, I had to fight for her because I felt all these silly emotional feelings of love for Sue at the time.

Sue was honest about not liking to have sex, especially with me. She was honest about not giving back sexually when she did have sex with people. She was honest about not being sexually attracted to me or finding me attractive in any way shape or form. Can't be much more blatantly honest than that with someone. She was honest about being rather sloppy and disorganized  (I am being nice here). She was honest about not being able to or wanting to share her real feelings, to share from a deep heart level with anyone. She was honest about being too selfish to wear ear plugs so that we could sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed together because of my snoring. She was blatantly honest about everything being all about her, all the time. She was honest about everything.

With anyone else, I would have had to spend years figuring out most of those things. They would have lied to get out of me what Sue has managed to get out of me by being honest up front. And really, in the end, who would have hurt me more? I'll tell you who, the liar. The liar would have had me completely, my whole heart, everything. I would have given them my whole heart and in the end they would have torn it out of my chest far worse than ever Sue has. And trust me, despite holding back, Sue has still ripped my heart out of my chest to the point of no return.

With Sue, I never had togo there completely. I loved her from the arms distance she has always kept me and everyone else at. I have some consolation in that she treats everyone the same way she treats me. I am sure that there is someone out there in this world that could manage to get past Sue's defenses, but she is not out there looking for that person anymore. And I am not a rapist, so I won't and have never forced her to go where she does not want to go in a relationship. She appears to be content with what she has created in her life to date. And at least she is honest about it all. For that, I respect her.

She never pulled some number on my head saying shit like "where have you been all my life?" and other such crap. Telling me you have never loved anyone as much as you love me, I am a sucker for that kind of shit. Lies like that pull me in, make my heart open up. Lies like that hurt me in the end. Because in the end, everyone is just like Sue anyway. Sue is just honest about it all up front. In the end, everyone is really just all about themselves anyway. What they want from you they want because of whatever their deep psychological and emotional needs might be. If you can fulfill that need at the moment, cool. They might even feel some slight guilt when they fuck you over, after they got you to the point that you would give them the world on a platter and did.

Honestly would have been better. Tell the truth, you are feeling a lot of sexual need and you think I can fill that for you at the moment. Tell the truth, you just want to experiment emotionally and sexually with me, although that may not be what you call it or how you perceive it. But that is the truth. And in the beginning, that was how I felt about them until the lies started. In the beginning I only wanted to explore sexually and emotionally too. Until the lies started. By the way, for those of you through out my life who never took me down the path of lies, thank you. Having fun and exploring was very nice. Thank you for the honesty.

If you know you cannot spend the rest of your natural life (or even a chunk of it) in relationship with someone, then don't take them down that path of being "in love". That's unfair to them and to you. You may be feeling tremendous things for someone emotionally, but if you cannot honestly see yourself being able to be with this person day in and day out for however long, then don't go there. If you can't see yourself loving them unconditionally for who they really are, then don't go there. I don't. And I won't. If I say I am in love with you, then I have thought this thing through very thoroughly. I have considered all the ramifications of what being "in love" and making a life with that person includes. I might even be strongly emotionally attached to you and think you rock the known Universe, however, if I do not think it can work out with us in a real relationship, I won't go there with you. I don't want to hurt you or me in the end.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the two people who tried to take me away from Sue in the last 7 years. Both of them thought that the way Sue treated me was just horrible. They couldn't understand how I could put up with her shit. They told me repeatedly that I deserved better in a relationship. That all might have been true, I might actually deserve better, however, what they were really leading up to was they wanted what Sue had and they were willing to take it from her. And so they worked on their finely crafted lies to reel me in. It worked too. Take someone as lonely as I am and tell them you want and love them beyond reason and you have a lethal combination for that person falling for your shit.

I have taken each one of those two relationships and dissected them ad nauseam. Neither one of them is someone who is capable of being in a real relationship with anyone. At least not anytime soon. In the end, it's really just all about them and their needs and wants in life. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just bad when you are not honest about it. Be honest, tell the person you are attracted to that you are how you are and this is the way things will be if a relationship does occur and let the person make up their mind if they can or are willing to live with your ego centric needs.

The truth, from my stand point anyway, is that I cannot trust another living soul again after these last two liars. Which is sad, because if someone perfect for me did come along, I would not be open to the relationship at all. I might have sex with them, but my heart can't and won't go there again. I have decided that I pretty much will spend the rest of my life alone in my own little world. Which is not necessarily bad, I actually like me so that kind of works out in a way.

The only bad part is that once in a while, I actually do want to feel someone next to me, their skin touching mine, their heart reaching out to share deeply. It's not about sex or having some incredible orgasm, it's about human bonding on a deep core level. I am past the need for orgasm (thank you Mother Nature for taking away a female's need for sex, NOT!)  I just don't see that ever coming down the pike to me anytime in the near to distant future. And like before, with the two liars, I was not look anymore than I am now. These people jump out at me from out of nowhere and pursued me, not the other way around. Besides, I apparently have a very bad picker because I have managed to pick people who are really good at tearing my heart out of my chest and leaving me bereft in the end anyway. I think I'll stick to just being alone and learning to not be lonely or ache in my heart for the lack of human companionship.

I pretty much just stay to myself now. If I feel like someone is trying to get inside of me, I back off from them quickly. I can't even let anyone be anything other than an acquaintance anymore. Those I tend to spend time with are considerably younger than me (and I mean by about 30 or more years). That hopefully will keep them from ever being attracted to me or trying to pursue me. Course being 22 years younger than the last liar in my life did not keep her from trying to pursue my ass. But hopefully since I only hang around straight people most of the time, that straightness will keep the from thinking anything other than friendship thoughts about me.

So I am pretty burnt out by having a bad picker and never really learning how to see through people's severe dysfunction. I still can't spot a liar (or more, let's call them people who are all about themselves because of their severe dysfunction). So am staying away from people because I am pretty sure I am not strong enough within myself to take what happened to me emotionally with the last two liars ever again. Since I apparently cannot see through bullshit, I have just chosen to stay away from people completely. At least emotionally anyway.

Ciao for now.