I had a hard day today. After on;y 4 hours of sleep last night, I got up at 4am and drove 10 hours back and forth to Little Rock for what frustratingly appears to be no reason and then came home, relaxed a bit and went to bed. I just awakened right now from a dream that disturbed me a bit. That is why I am up writing this right now. I want to try to remember the details.

I was in a bunch of old houses or tenement slums from around the turn of the 20th century. It was winter and it was very bleak outside. It was sooty and black everywhere. I was wearing a black cloak or long jacket. It could have been any big, dirty European or American city around the turn of the 20th century. It was very dark and dank in these slums as I walked through them. There didn't seem to be many people around as I toured these places. Finally I came to a place that apparently was my house. Inside I found Sue, but she did not look like Sue as I know her today. She began to follow me as I went deeper into "our" house. Our house was just as dark and dank as all the other houses around us. I went into a larger "parlor" like room that appeared to have a heat source, like a small potbellied like stove device. It was radiating heat. There was a slightly familiar figure laying on the floor near this stove sort of resting, but not asleep. He was laying on the wood floor, no pallet or bed or mattress or anything. There didn't appear to be any other furniture in the room. Apparently we were poor. Either that or very spartan.

When we came in the room, he got up off the floor and I thought I knew him well enough. It did not seem weird that he was there, it was as if he was as welcome there as Sue or I was. It felt like he was a relative of ours or something. When he finally came into the light of the "fire" from the stove, I could see that it was Chris Hook. Initially he did not look like the Chris Hook I know today. He was larger and much hairier than the Chris Hook I know. But it was him nonetheless. Slowly he began to look more like the Chris Hook I know today. I was actually very happy to see him and we embraced happily. Somehow he was related to me, how he was related I did not bother to figure out.

He then started going off about his sister, but he didn't call her by the name she has now. He didn't call her by any name, not even sister. He just called her "her", yet I knew exactly who he was talkng about immediately. I knew that somehow we were all related to each other, but in what ways I do not know. I knew exactly what she had done to him. In fact, I suspected that that was why he had come calling at my home. He wanted to discuss "her" with me.

He wasn't so much angry with her as he was seriously disturbed with her behavior. He wanted to know how she could do such a thing to him as she had done. He wasn't even grieving necessarily, although you could tell he had been deeply wounded by what she had done to him. I told him that he was not the only one, there were many folk out there that she had done just as much to as she had done to him, myself included. I think I was telling him that there was something wrong with her that need to be healed or she wouldn't go around hurting people the way she did.

He seemed to understand all that and with quiet resignation settled back down on the floor. I told him he was welcome here and could stay as long as he wished. I woke up from the dream then.

I have been attempting to do past life regressions the last few weeks. I have been working on it in earnest in the last few days. I have also been trying to figure out how to forgive his sister for all she has done to me in the last few years. I have told myself repeatedly that she was sent into my life to learn the lesson of forgiveness.

So tonight, before I fell asleep, I spent some time asking my guides if I would learn the lesson of forgiveness if I could get to the root source of the cause of my inability to forgive. They said no. So I asked a question about my own healing from whatever happened whenever at any point in time and my learning whatever lesson from the relationship(s) with "her" would come to me if I managed to get to the root cause of it all. The answer again was no. THen I asked if there was a root source at all in any past life or in this life time that held the key to it being so difficult for me to forgive people their transgressions against me. The answer again was no. I was very confused.

I then layed down and did a little meditation to relax me and put the suggestion into my subconscious that I would have a regression while I slept that would answer my question for me as to what all this suffering was all about. ThenI dreamed that dream. I awakened about an hour after I had fallen asleep.

When I awoke, I did not remember the dream immediately. What was being impressed upon me was that none of all that has transpired between me and "her" was my lesson. It was her lesson, not mine, nor anyone elses. So I asked my guides again, this time if all that had transpired between "she" and I had been her lesson. The answer was yes. Suddenly my dream about Chris came back and I thought it odd that I would have a a dream about him in a place that was home but was not home as I know it now. And then I figured it out. I got my answer and my regression. All in a very short period of time.

I just had to put all that down before I forget it all. It's her lesson, not ours. Not any of us who she has wounded had a lesson to learn from the woundings she gave us all. It really is one of those times when it really is all about someone else. It's all about her. Now maybe, as I continue to walk away from the memories and the feelings of betrayal, I can do so knowing that I, as everyone else in her life is/was merely an instrument for her lesson. Somehow that's palatable to me. I can deal with that. And somehow, it makes it easier to let it all go and walk away feeling ok about myself now.