I don't have much time here, I have to be at a job in 20 minutes. But I want to put something down so that I remember the thought before it goes bye bye from my conscious mind.

I have been trying to go deeper the last few weeks. Deeper and futher in to myself to find what I feel is the final healings that need to take place in me before the next big step in my evolution. I am trying to remove whatever blocks there are in my conscious mind to achieve this healing.

It's not that I think I have some special purpose left to achieve in this life time. It's more like I feel there are still a few key bits on information that I need to become consciously aware of in order for me to move forward in where I am meant to go/learn in this life time.

I feel like I am looking over a precipe and all that I need to know and fully intergrate into my understanding is down there. Metaphors do not come easily to me under the stress of time constraints. But what I need to intergrate is right there... see? look right there, it's right there and I need to reach further in and I will grasp the knowledge I need to move on to the next step. What I need to grasp is within my reach if I can learn a few simple methods to reach them. Like learning to use a ratchet to remove a bolt, simple, yet once in a while you may need the advice of someone who has used a ratchet before to teach you how to use it properly.

Although I am a thousand times better than I was when I was young, I still find myself reacting in the same ways internally as I did when I was young. Anger is one of the reactions I do not want to have in a stressful or painful situation. What I want is to learn to always react with love to anything thrown at me. It goes even further and deeper than that, I am merely scratching the surface at the moment... time constraints, bullshit of life interfering with my real goals,  desires, dreams. I suppose I could give up my earthly life as I know it now, sell all I own and move to an ashram in India. There I can contemplate my navel for eternity. I think I have probably already done something very similar in many lifetimes, as a monk, nun, priest whatever.

So the ashram is out... I just have to learn how to achieve my goals of spiritual moving forward within the context of what I have built here and now in this lifetime. Despite real life constantly getting in the way of moving forward.

I'll get it, eventually. Looking forward to further installments in this never ending saga.

Ciao