I awakened to Jim Croce singing in my head this morning.

Here's the words:

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
See, the number on the matchbook is old and faded.
She's living in L.A. with my best old ex-friend Ray,
A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well could you help me place this call?
Well, I can't read the number that you just gave me.
There's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time
I think about a love that I thought would save me.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

Operator, well let's forget about this call --
There's no one there I really wanted to talk to.
Thank you for your time, ah, you've been so much more than kind.
And you can keep the dime.

Isn't that the way they say it goes? Well, let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it,
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well --
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real, but that's not the way it feels.
No, no, no, no -- that's not the way it feels.

 

I must have been dreaming I was back in 1973 or something. That's not even my favorite Jim Croce song. Time in a Bottle is my favorite Croce song. I wouldn't have minded Time in a Bottle being stuck in my head upon wakening this morning, although I must admit that it hasn't made me cry since I was like 19 or so. Operator never made me cry, not even once. Of course at the time I had nothing to relate to the experience the lyric writer is conveying in that song. Now I sort of do, but my reaction to the situation would be very different than the song writer's was.

I betrayed a friend with their girlfriend once. Long ago, in L.A., when I was in my mid 20's. My friend Tay and her girlfriend Donna were breaking up at the time. Her girlfriend also use to be my room mate before they got together. In fact, I never would have known Tay had it not been for Donna starting to date her. We became friends while they were together. Donna moved back in with me after they broke up, but the sexual stuff had started before she and Tay were completely broken up.

The funny thing about my ex room mate Donna was, I had a huge crush on her when I first met her several years earlier. As it turned out, she was sort of dating someone I vaguely knew back then. I didn't know she was sort of dating someone else when I asked her out back then. She declined my date offer, but not because of Ophie. She just wasn't interested in me. I guess back then I wasn't butch enough for her. I was too androgynous I guess. It was that long hair. But then, when she did finally decide that she was interested in me three years and 2 1/2 girlfriends later, I still had that long hair.

As with all my relationships, sexual or otherwise, it was her who went after me. I am far too shy and far too insecure and non-aggressive to go after someone. Glen and I were talking about that yesterday. Neither one of us is capable of being the aggressor when we find someone attractive. I have upped him by an extra step in that, having no hormones, I don't get interested that way in people at all. They really do have to work me to get me. He at least still has a very healthy sex drive and that makes having a sexual relationship/emotional with someone so much easier.

But back to Tay and Donna, I lied to Tay about a sexual encounter between myself, Donna and another person. I heard Tay come home unexpectedly whilst we three were in Donna's bed frolicking. I jumped out of bed, clothed myself and flew into the room Tay had been sleeping in for the last several weeks as she and Donna's relationship deteriorated. When she came in to where I was fake sleeping, I pretended to not know anything about what was going on in the other bedroom. I pretended to still be drunk and unaware of my surroundings. Shortly after that whole nightmare Donna moved in with me. Just for the record, Donna and I were lovers for about 5 minutes and then that was over.

It took me the better part of a year to tell Tay the truth. I felt bad for lying. Lying is and was not something I am fond of doing. Too hard to keep your stories straight, not to mention the bad karma you are building up in your attempts to deceive others. I was the one who brought the whole deceiving thing up to Tay. Mainly because she was attempting to bad mouth the third person who had been there that night. I could have kept the whole thing a secret forever, but I felt bad that our third "Fun Seeker" was getting the whole rap for something I was equally as guilty of being a very active participant in.

The Fun Seekers, by the way, was the name we gave ourselves, Donna, me and this third person. We were the Fun Seekers because, we sought fun. We would walk into a bar and announce that we "were the Fun Seekers, we seek fun". We were very wasted on acid and god knows what else when we came up with that moniker for ourselves. It was a joke of course. A corny joke that we found hilarious, especially on hallucinogens. It was so corny that it was hysterical to us.

I never asked Tay to forgive me for lying to her, nor for having a sexual liaison with Donna prior to them actually break up all the way. I was just honest with her and told her I was deeply sorry for being an active participant in that whole deception thing. I told her I never meant to betray her, it just kind of happened and that I was very sorry if I had caused her any undue pain in what was otherwise a very painful episode in her life. Basically what I did was take responsibility for my actions and made amends the best I knew how.

I am not proud nor in denial of any shitty thing I ever did to anyone else. I am also not ashamed of the things I did anymore either. Mainly because I learned how to forgive myself for the things I did. Shame is good for one thing and one thing only, it helps know that what you have done is wrong. It helps you to change and no longer do the things you did to hurt yourself or others. Other than that, it's wasted emotion if you have changed and no longer behave that way anymore. I also made amends to people whenever possible too. Sometimes it was impossible to make amends to others, mainly because I had no way to find them to make those amends. The thing about making amends is, you have to mean it, from the bottom of your heart. You repent for your actions that caused you and others suffering. I did that and still do when ever it's possible and I am emotionally capable and ready to do so.

I was just thinking that I have some gray areas in my life that I may or may not be totally honest about my involvement in that may or may not have hurt others. Like I can think of at least one situation that is extremely gray in my book that may or may not have hurt someone. And no, it has nothing to do with my ex lover/best friend/former business partner. Despite what she has told herself, there are no gray areas with what transpired between her, myself and a host of others. Ninety nine percent of that story is black and white. But she is another story for some distant tale at another time and place. The only thing I have to apologize to her for is my reactions to her betrayals and lies. I obviously am not ready to do that apology as I am not ready to finish letting go all the pain I suffered at her hands. I am however doing much better at getting there even as we speak.

Luckily for me, she pulled what we call in Twelve Step Program a "Geographic". Her's is mainly emotional and mental in that she did not move physically, she simply doesn't hang out with, or around all the people she knows know exactly what she did to me and all the others in this tale she created. She only hangs around the extremely few (like all 2 of them) people she has left in her life that still believe her lies. Still, it makes it easier for me with her not being around anymore. Her being around is painful at best. It's hard to look someone in the eye who not only lied their ass off about you, but continues to lie about you with every opportunity.

Maybe someday I will be able to forgive and forget, I am just not there yet. Working on it though. Just keep her out of my life and all will be well as I continue to attempt to heal from her actions. I'll get there one day and I feel it getting closer and closer with each day. When I can look her in the eye and feel nothing, not even contempt, I'll know I am there, that I have forgiven her and moved on forever.

As for my own gray areas, I am not sure how I would approach them in the first place. There are rather complex issues with all the parties involved, myself included. So I guess I will continue to let sleeping dogs lie until the time, if ever, comes along for me to figure out whether amends need to be made. Since I don't exactly feel fabulous about my actions, I am thinking I am right in that amends are going to have to be made eventually whether the parties involved feel the necessity for it or or not. I am just not going to do it if it means hurting anyone unnecessarily.

So why was Jim Croce in my head this morning? Why won't he get out of it? Am I channeling him or something? That was a bad joke, insert your laughter here.

Ok, I guess I am done here. Thank you Jim for channeling yourself and making me sing this song in my head all day long.

Ciao for now all.....