I let someone walk all over me this week and I let what they did make me feel bad. It happened so fast I barely had time to comprehend what was/had happened. I would like to be able to say that I only let strangers do "hit and runs" on me, but that is not true. I let friends and family pull the same shit too.

People who don't know me and base their view of me on my looks and surface words and actions tend to view me as some tough hard ass. Like I am a big mountain of stone that could and would crush them if I got mad enough. People who really know me know I am anything but that. People who really know me know I am a mountain of jelly, easily manipulated and pushed around. I seldom stand up for myself. Generally, I tend to just walk away from a conflict whenever possible. In fact, I will go out of my way to make it possible so that I do not have to face a confrontation.

I can't even remember a time when I directly confronted someone for doing me wrong or whatever right when it happened. This past January instead of facing my abuser, I wrote them an email telling them to leave me alone and get out of my life. That's as close to me confronting someone as I have gotten in a long while. Although I must say, I did tell someone not that long ago that I was not ok with what they had done to me, but it took me 8 months to do it. And when I told them that I was not ok with their actions, it was actually in response to them having asked me 8 months earlier if I was ok with what they had done. When they initially asked me if I was ok with their actions, I was so flabbergasted that they had the balls to ask me such a question, I couldn't respond. I had no words I was so shocked they could ask if them fucking me over had been ok. Eight months later, I told them that "No, I was not and am not ok with what you have done". And that was as good as it got for me.

Frankly I would never have said even that to them except that I was being confronted with them attacking me. So I turned the tables and let them know that they had no right to be saying anything to me or anyone else considering the reprehensible things they had done to me and others. That pretty much changed the whole tune of that conversation. Hard to continue to attack someone you fucked over so bad.

But back to earlier this week, I let this guy just waltz in and walk all over me in less than 45 seconds, leaving his assistant to make excuses for his behavior. After this last year and me feeling pretty good that I was able to tell someone (despite the fact it was in an email and not up close and personal) to stay out of my life until they got the help they needed, made me feel stronger as a person for ridding myself of an emotionally abusive and dangerous person from my life. I felt I was taking care of me by doing that, and I was actually. So when this guy did that to me I was in total shock. Blown away actually. I was like "What the fuck just happened?"

I have been contemplating what I should do about the whole thing. His behavior cost me money I did not have to spare. For the less than one minute I had with this person, I tried to explain that his behavior was costing me money I did not have to spare. I had gone to him for help, to get answers so that I could arrange what I needed to arrange with what I am attempting to do for me in my life right now. His behavior and my inability to respond quickly to his abusiveness left me pretty much screwed and having to regroup my thinking about my monetary and time constraints involved in these plans I have been trying to formulate.

I don't know whether to be pissed or just let it go and try to figure out another way to deal with what I am trying to accomplish or what. So now I am sitting here contemplating what I need to do about this whole thing. Do I go back to him and let him have it with both barrels or just let it go and let him go on playing the prima donna I am sure he is used to playing. I am pissed and I don't want to be pissed. I want him to stop believing that he has a right to abuse people. I know I am not the first and I know I will not be the last in his life to be abused by his belief that he is God.

I have this window of opportunity to deal with what I want to accomplish. He shut that window, more like slammed it on my fingers with his behavior. I never got the information I needed from him to make whatever plans I need to make. I don't even know if what I want to do is possible given my monetary and time constraints. It might just be a pipe dream that I cannot take the time off to accomplish right now. I still do not have the information I need to make my decisions and make whatever preparations I need to make. Now I am fucked and my window is locked at the moment.

Going back and telling him he is an asshole is pointless. He wouldn't learn a damn thing from me telling him he screwed me over. Anymore than the person I told to stay out of my life has changed any or gotten the help they need to heal from their abusive behavior toward others (they have however, thankfully pretty much left me alone, kinda sorta). And I am not so sure telling him he is an asshole would make me feel any better anyway. It would just be me attempting to slap him back for slapping me.

Back to square one in so many ways for me this week. Regroup, figure out where to go from here with my dream. I just know I want to be done with abusive people in my life forever. And I want to go on with life the way I want it to be, not the way others attempt to dictate it to me.

One step forward, two steps back... I'll get there despite the obstacles. I really will. I am relentless in my pursuit of a dream. I will get there one way or another.

Ciao for now.