I am going to speculate that most people do not believe much in intuition or let's call it the ability to instinctively know what other people are thinking and feeling. I have been blessed with this curse since I can remember. It has gotten so bad at times (especially in large crowds and such) that I have to leave situations to get away from other people's thoughts and feelings. In simpler, more intimate situations, I have had to learn to literally shut off this part of myself in order to not have to feel other people's feelings or hear their thoughts in my head. In fact, I run from them because of my desire to not know what people are thinking and feeling. I sincerely do not want to know.

Why it sucks, especially in more intimate relationships (close friends, family, lovers), is that it doesn't always help knowing what they are really feeling and thinking. What is coming out of their mouths is not always what they are actually thinking and feeling. What comes out of their mouths might be a watered down version of a thought or feeling, but it is almost always far from the real impact of their real thoughts or feelings. In fact, it more often than not is not what they are really thinking and feeling at all. It's just better to shut it off than to have to listen to them sitting there saying one thing and knowing they are thinking damn near the direct opposite of what they are saying. Especially when it pertains to you.

One of the ways that this is all very crazy making is when you are deeply bonded with someone. That bond creates a direct line to that person's inner being, their inner feelings and thoughts. What's sucky about that is that, say in the case of someone you are intimately bonded with, when and if that relationship breaks down and you lose physical communication with that person because of that break down (as in you are no longer talking with or seeing that person), the bond still sits there transmitting all their thoughts and feelings to you anyway. Whether you want to know it or not, you know almost verbatim what they are thinking and feeling, especially about you at any given moment. You also know in almost explicit detail, everything that is happening in their lives too. I can tell you that this sucks. Especially if you still care about that person.

I had the opportunity not thatvery long ago to have a conversation with someone who I knew was lying to me. I seldom call people on their shit when I know they are lying to me. Very seldom. Usually I just drop it and let it go, let them lie their asses off and walk away. But in this particular instance, I called her on it every single time she lied to me. I just refused to let her lie to me. She had been telling these lies to everyone for months by that time, so why shouldn't she tell me the exact same lies she had been telling everyone else? Every single lie I called her on. And despite her protests, I refused to back down and admit she wasn't lying. Because despite all her protestations, I knew, from my own damned able empathic abilities that she was lying. I knew exactly what had really transpired in these situations and that every word out of her mouth was either an outright lie or a severe distortion of what really happened in the situation.

Every time I called her on her shit, she would finally just go dead silent. She knew I knew she was lying. Mainly because I gave her an almost blow by blow detail of what had really happened in almost every case. Not because anyone told me what had happened, nor because I physically witnessed it, but because I saw it happen in my mind as I felt her co-conspirator's thoughts and feelings as these events transpired. She could not lie because I knew the truth.

I also had had many these unfortunate transmissions of thoughts and feelings validated by those who did personally witness much of what had come to me of those thoughts, emotions and situations as they came to me. All having an eye witness does for you is to validate that you were indeed receiving accurate information from the bond's direct transmission to you. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, I already knew that what I had received from these transmissions of thoughts, feelings and impressions of situations was real. And here's the kicker, I still do. I still know, blow by blow what is going on.

One of the things that resulted from my having made the decision many years ago to listen to my inner voice, my gut, my spirit, my higher self, whatever and not only to my logical self was, it opened up all those doors I had slammed shut on hearing other people's thoughts and feeling other people's feelings. When I am too close to someone emotionally, it becomes almost unbearable at times. They don't have to say a word and I am writhing in their personal agony.

I have been accused many times of being distant with people I am supposedly extremely close to. It's true, I am being distant, but not in a "I don't want to be around you" way. It's really just my defense mechanism kicking in. I just can't deal emotionally with where they are at the moment and I literally shut down. I might even just go to sleep to get away from those feelings they are beaming into me at the moment.

At any rate, that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being empathic. I promise you that it is more often hell than anything else. Knowing the real truth, knowing what is really going on in a situation, knowing the emotions of others, their thoughts, their feelings, their desires. It blow super chunks, hard, most of the time. And how do you shut it off when you love people deeply? You let me know if you know the answer to that one.

There is someone I love more than life it's self in my life right now who is going through some serious emotional hell. Frankly, it's killing me inside. I am writhing in that person's pain at the moment. I ache inside and I know the source intimately. I am being bombarded and there is nothing I can do about it. Other than close off the bond with them, and I will not do that because they trust me to be there for them through thick and thin. All I can do is take the shit I am being bombarded with and send it off into the universe to be released. You see why being empathic sucks when you are deeply bonded to someone? You deal with their hell whether you want to or not.

Ok, I am going to go meditate and get rid of this angst I am receiving down that bonded empathic highway. Hope they feel better when I am through dumping their shit off into the universe.

Ciao