Sanctimonious and judgmental, these two adjectives describe two attributes I find particularly reprehensible in human beings. I personally have been guilty of these two, less than evolved, character flaws on more than one occassion.

I certainly am quite able to recognise them when I see them in others. It's the proverbial "it takes one to know one". I wouldn't notice it in others if it were not something I myself possessed within my being.

One small thing I can say in my defense is that I do know it when I see it in myself and I am painfully aware of how abhorrent this behavior is.  Right now I am feeling a bit judgmental. There are people out there who will tell you that I am justified in my feeling this way. I keep telling myself that I should be above such behavior. Unfortunately, when confronted daily with the shit I am confronted with, it becomes increasingly more difficult to not be judgmental.

To judge someone and/or some situation, one must first have the whole picture of what has transpired. At that point, you can make the decision whether you will or will not judge the person or situation. What I am finding most difficult is not judging such things negatively when the repercussions of other people's actions bring you such incredible emotional, financial and mental pain, suffering and turmoil.

What I try to do is not feel the pain and turmoil. I can't do anything about the money, she already got all that while she was working me over pretending to be in love with me. But the rest of it I can do something about. I attempt to go within and squelch the feelings that arise when I am being assaulted from these "others". At this point, my guess is that if the assault had been only a few times, let's give it a number and call it ten major assaults on your person, I could have and would have continued to attempt to quiet my pain and anguish and forgive the beings attacking me. Unfortunately, it not only has been more that the ascribed ten times, it is at a point that it is becoming innumerable. It's hard to let things go when you are being "Chinese water tortured" on a daily basis by the same entities.

My newest assault is a sanctimonious judgment brought on by even more lies and slanderous statements being spread around this very small community about my person. What that really means is that people who are prone to being santimonious and judgmental have been handed a field day at my expense to judge the crap out of me.

Now, honestly, I wouldn't care if you were judging me for something I had actually done. But to judge me for something I am sincerely not guilty of doing, well, that just chaps my hide. What it does is piss me off to the max. You get to where the assaults no longer hurt, they just piss you off now. Which is where I am. Pissed off. And personally, I don't like being here at all. I don't want to be pissed off, I want her to go away and leave me alone. I want her to stop lying about me, and the people she has lied about me to to stop judging me for something I did not do. I want the lies unlied.

I was so willing to just walk away and chalk her up to a lesson learned in life. But she just couldn't do that, for whatever her reasons, she had to make up stories to justify whatever it was that she was doing/had done, was saying/had said to others. She had for whatever her reasons already built a web of lies before she fucked me over and then she had to keep the lies up in order to keep the people she was lying to on "her side". I can assure you there was no "side" to take in my mind. She was the one creating "sides". I just wanted her very sick and dysfunctionally painful behavior out of my life and I thought I told her that pretty nicely in my letter to her asking her to stay out of my life. Apparently she saw my letter as an affront to her being in some way. Probably because I had the audacity to call her on her shit.

I know that at the point that she revieved my letter that she believed that she had gotten me pretty well under control again. I think that is what she thought our little conversation on that warm Saturday afternoon in January was all about, "Getting J back under control". I was a lose end in her life that she had to make sure was tied up so that I didn't undo all the little things she was attempting to do at the time. And honestly, that is why this is all so funny in a sad way, I knew what she was doing, what she had done and what her end of that conversation was all about. Still I was willing to just walk away. I think she was mad because I was so evasive and agreeable. She saw me doing what I do best to get out of a bad situation with as little hurt as possible. She saw me cutting my losses and running with out her knowing that that is what I was doing. I think that is what really pissed her off.

And then of course, me, thinking her next victim was my real friend, tired to warn her, but of course at that point it was far too late for her to buy anything anyone else who had actual experience with her could tell her. That pissed her off, big time. And then to get a Dear John letter from me, well, that was the straw that broke that camel's back. She went after me with a vengence. And she hasn't let up since.

Now, I don't care what happens to her newest victim. In fact, I can't wait for her karmic pay back for thinking she pulled one over on me. And trust me, her new girlfriend will help her experience the worst karmic payback she has ever experienced. In fact, they will both fuck each other over big time. And that, I care little if anything for seeing. I just don't give a rat's ass anymore about either one of them or what they are going to end up doing to each other.

Such is life.

Sanctimonious judgmental asswipes. Those are the kinds of people she lied to about me. And those are the people judging me right now. I am so done with their negative energy being spewed my way. I am tired of sending their shit back at them. I just want them and her lies to go away and I don't care how that happens. There was a time I actually cared whether she was hurt by the things she had done. Now I just don't care. If karma bites her ass off, then so be it. I am done protecting her from herself. I have stepped aside. Now her, and everyone she has dragged into this little sorrid affair she created is going to find their own karmic payback.

Oh well, I am outta there. I hope they enjoy their lesson. Mine's over. I am breaking any and all karmic debt I might have with any of them. Whatever dues I had to pay have been paid and none of them, especially her, can do anything to me again. Not in this lifetime or any other.

I am done.