So last night we went to the Shaw's house for Misty's birthday party. I pigged out. I ate everything in sight. Everything but the birthday cake. I did my Byetta before we left here and had to eat something before we left because you can't take these diabetic drugs and not eat within an hour or your blood sugar will drop to dangerous levels (like as in comatose levels). So I ate what amounted to about 2 oz of cottage cheese and then we took off to their house.

When we got there there was the usual assortment of chips on the serving bar. I of course ate lots of corn chips and a couple of almost every other kind of chip before dinner was served. Then dinner was served. Dinner was cold cuts and a bunch of other yummy things that I love. I ate 2 pieces of turkey, some bread with pimento spread on it, a bunch of sliced pepperocinis and 2 slices of cucumber with some fresh homemade guacamole on them. Needless to say, I was stuffed.

I so wanted to eat more turkey with some more peppers on it, but I couldn't force down another bite of anything. Having attended a million and one birthday parties at their house I should have known that there would be buttloads of chips out there to eat when I arrived. I shouldn't have eaten the cottage cheese. That took up way too much space in my already shrunken stomach.

That's the only real problem with this Byetta stuff (that and you have to jab a needle in your gut twice a day to inject it). You just can't eat. More than anything, you don't want to eat. Unfortunately, you have to eat. So everyday after every injection, I force myself to eat so that my blood sugar doesn't drop down and I go into a coma. I seldom get hungry. Food has become a chore more than anything. Well, eating has anyway. Whether I like it or not I have to ingest something and something that has nutritional value in order to not go into a coma and still stay healthy.

Such is my life these days. Work, take my meds, go to the doctor, once in a while visit with friends. Boring eh?

Let me tell you about friends. The last year or so I have gone in to this state of shell shock when it comes to other people. I trust no one anymore. I can't tell you the name of one person I actually trust completely. I know why I feel this way. It's because no one I know (or probably ever have known) has the same perception of loyalty that I have. About the only time I would turn my back on someone I have pledged my loyalty to is when they are so seriously into their dysfunction (ie: drugs, alcohol, whatever makes them selfishly hurt other people without regard to whom or how they are hurting others) that they begin to effect my life to my detriment.

I call it tough love when I have to walk away from someone who has a very serious dysfunction that causes them to harm themselves and others. It also takes everything in me to give up on someone and walk away. I try to always leave a door open that they can return by if they ever come out of denial about their behavior, get the help they need and get healthy. But until they do, I just can't have their sickness infecting my life to the point that they are causing me serious distress (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, whatever). I can't allow my life to be destroyed because of something they need to do to fix their own self.

Tough love hurts bad. Mainly because you have to walk away from someone you love deeply. Like having to walk away from a pathological liar that you love as your own flesh and blood is heart breaking, but necessary for self preservation nonetheless. What you hope is that some day they wake up and come out of denial, seek out the help they need to heal and then maybe, just maybe come back to you (and the multitude of others they have harmed) and attempt to make amends.  I never hold my breath, but I do send out prayers for healing for them. Not for me, but for them. Because you know damn well they are going to continue to harm themselves and others until the day they die if they don't heal.

Such is life. After Shewhoshallnotbenamed, I trust no one anymore. I trust some people to a point, but I cannot trust anyone completely with all of my heart every again. Well, ever again may be an over dramatization on the subject (I should get an Academy Award for this one), but it's how I feel right now. I just cannot see me ever finding another soul that I could trust with all of my being ever again at the moment. What do they call that thing where you are so wounded from an experience that you are like a zombie going through the motions? Ah yes, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. People coming back from war have it bad. So do people who live through shit like a major natural disaster. Tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, shit like that.

That's how I feel right now, like I survived a major incident in my life of extremely severe magnitude. Like I lived through a 9.0 earthquake. And of course, FEMA never came to help, or what they did do was worse damage than the damage the quake or hurricane caused. I am just shell shocked. Even in her worst paranoid schizophrenic state Debbie (who told me daily she was going to kill me while I slept) never made me feel quite so fucked. When that was all finally over and I was safely away from danger, I had a support system there to tell me I was going to be ok and that I wasn't crazy and that I would some day heal from it all.

I don't have that from what Shewhoshallnotbenamed did to me. I have no one except Glen telling me that I really did experience all the shit she did to me (because he was there and saw it happen), but she is also his family member. He still has to deal with the ramifications of all she is still attempting to do to me through his family. It is after all, his family. Even though she is not his blood family member, he still has to deal with the fact that her father is married to his mother and nothing is going to change that any time soon. And everyone else who was involved even if only on the sidelines is not around anymore. I lost them all to their desire to stay the hell out of the situation or to their own devious involvement in this sordid mess.

There is nothing I can do about Shewhoshallnotbenamed's emotional and mental illness. And only those who have been or become extremely close to her will ever see just how sick she really is. So I am stuck with no one to support me while I work through the trauma caused by that relationship. I can't ask Sue for a variety of reasons. Most of all it's just not fair to her because of her relationship with me. Expecting your girlfriend to be there to console you while you attempt to heal is really not cool. At least not in my eyes.

I went from sad and grieving the senseless ending of my friendship with Shewhoshallnotbenamed, to seriously pissed off (because of the Chinese water torture effect) and I have stayed there until recently. Now I just don't give a shit anymore in that I just want her to go away and stop lying about me. I am tired of all the people she has lied to about me giving me those condescending judgmental looks down their noses at me. I never thought I would ever be able to or want to say this, but at this point, I almost hate her. Whatever love I once felt has become this seething hate. And honestly, I don't want to feel that way. About her or anyone.

I just want her to stop torturing me with her lies about me to other people. I can't make her fix what she has done, that will happen when pigs fly (if you see a pig flying let me know), but I at least want her to stop making me out to be satan to other people. I want to walk away and never hear yet another piece of bullshit she has said to other people about me again. Why she thinks her lying doesn't get back to me I will never know. But it does, big time. Almost daily and certainly weekly.

And so all I can do is do what I am doing and work through how I feel by myself. I am still waiting for someone to tell me I am justified for feeling hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, blah, blah, blah. That will also happen when pigs fly. In the meantime, I meditate, try to cleanse myself of the negativity that is dumped on me daily from the negative energy sent my way from other people's thoughts and feelings about me. I work on centering myself and just going on with life and doing what I have to do to heal from all this shit, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially.

I told someone yesterday that I take full responsibility for all that happened with her. I told them I was responsible for bringing her into my life. For letting her in that deeply, so deeply that I was almost utterly ruined by her presence. He said I don't have to do that. She was just as responsible as I am. Yeah ok, whatever, I am still the dumbass that let her in and chose to trust her utterly and completely. How many times in my life have I said never again? Billions I assure you. Never again. Right. Right now I would tell you with a swift certainty that I will never let anyone that close to me again. I learned my lesson right? Right.

Never again. There is a deep lesson here. And I will learn it. I just have to keep healing from it all at the moment and look for the lesson as I heal. I have no other choice. It's that or just die and learn this same lesson elsewhere in some other lifetime. I'd rather get it over now. Learn whatever wisdom is in all this and go on.

Right O' Buckaroos. Life's a bitch and then it's a bitch. A Hobicht.