I had this pair of shorts on yesterday that I wear to do yard work. I of course, was doing yard work. They were pretty loose on me yesterday. This morning, when I was getting dressed just so that I wouldn't be nekkid around the house, they fell off of me. These were shorts that I bought at Old Navy last spring or summer. Somehow between yesterday and today, they got bigger. Actually, I got smaller. Between yesterday and today I managed to lose 3 more pounds. Between last week and today I have lost over 10 pounds. I guess that was enough to make them fall off my ass.

At any rate, it reminded me of the fall/winter before last and I was also losing large quantities of weight. My pants got so big on me that they would fall off without a belt. I had a problem with the belt however when I reached the last hole and the belt was still too big to be tight enough to hold my pants up. I used my trusty pocket knife to cut a hole in the belt. It looked nasty, all torn and frayed looking. I was at Tad's one day and Shea noticed I was losing weight. So I showed her my belt problem. She immediately told me how that could be rectified. She walked out to her truck and grabbed her cordless Dewalt.

Now you have to understand that Shea and I had this ongoing discussion/argument about what drill was better, Mikita or Dewalt. She has a Dewalt and I have a Mikita (actually I have like 3 Mikitas, but only one do I use on a regular basis).  So when she whipped out her Dewalt, she told me she was going to show me exactly how much better a Dewalt was than my punty Mikita.  She selected an appropriate bit size and with my belt still on me, drilled a hole to make my belt hold up my pants. She also fixed the hole I had created with my pocket knife. It was wonderful having a belt that held up my far too large Dickies with holes that didn't look like I stepped right off the set of the Beverly Hillbillies.

I thanked her profusely and praised the Dewalt as the finest drill made by man. Don't get me wrong here, Mikitas used to be very fine power tools once upon a time. Now they are made like shit and break down often. I love my Mikata, but that is because it's all I have and it was free (to me anyway). Shea loves her Dewalt and she paid some real money for hers. Mine actually was a Christmas present from Sue 2 years ago, so you could say I inadvertantly paid for it through osmosis. I still love it and it still is the finest present Sue has ever bought me.

Anyway, I finally had to break down and buy new pants, despite Shea drilling at least 4 or 5 new holes in that belt over the course of the fall and winter of 05. That was at Shewhoshallnotbenamed's admonishment to get new clothes. Also, she got very jealous of Shea drilling holes in my pants and so it was time to not use that belt anymore anyway. Since that time I have gone through everything I owned (or at least what was in my dresser and closet) and gotten rid of everything I could no longer wear because it's too big for me. It took Shewhoshallnotbenamed and me two days to finish up this chore and bag up everything that needed to be given away to the thrift store (including the Dickies). It took that long because I had to try everything on to see how they fit before I made the ultimate decision to get rid of anything.

I only bought new shorts and summer clothes at that time. I had to break down and get new Levis as fall turned into winter this past year because I had absolutely no long pants left. Shewhoshallnotbenamed bought me one pair and I bought me the other. Sue bought me a pair of Tommy Hilfigar's that I won't wear now because Glen told me he is a racist and homophobic bastard.

Now those shorts and tops I bought last spring/summer are getting too big for me. It's ok because too big looks good for a while. It's when they fall off your ass while you are walking that they are not cool anymore. I can see a day coming soon where I will be going through the closet/dresser (this time alone) and ferreting out the too big clothes again.

I was walking by the mirror in the bathroom this morning with no top on, just those shorts falling off my ass. I hadn't really looked at me sideways in some time. I was shocked at how much smaller I appeared to me. Amazingly, this is the least I have weighed since I was 20 years old. I weighed 175 pounds (about 35 to 40 pounds over what I should weigh for my height and frame) when Pat and I got together when I was 19. By the time I was 20 I weighed in at around 220 and I stayed there for years. Then I got together with Debbie at age 25 and I shot up to 296 pounds by the time I was 30. When I was 29, I went into therapy. My therapist suggested that maybe my weight problem was because I had sexual issues as my weight gains only happened when I was sexually active with a regular partner.

Yeah well, she was right and since that time I did some serious work on my childhood sexual abuse issues (with a different therapist though). I guess it worked. I will probably never really know because I don't have sex anymore, so it's hard to tell if I would gain weight again if I had a regular ongoing sex life. The last time I was sexually active was over a year ago and that was with Shewhoshallnotbenamed. I didn't gain weight that I know of and during that time period was when I actually had to buy all those new, smaller clothes. On the otherhand, our sex life was sporatic at best and short lived back last winter and spring. So I don't know, maybe I am healed. I am certainly not going to go out and find someone to be sexually active with just to test that theory. I learned my lesson with the fiasco of Shewhoshallnotbenamed. Not that she was a theory I was attempting to test out, just that the whole relatinship was a fiasco for me.

Besides, as Glen likes to point out frequently, I have no hormones. Absolutely no desire to be sexual with anyone anymore. I want you non-post menopausal folk out there to know that losing your sex drive sucks big time. It was one of Shewhoshallnotbenamed's biggest complaints about me. No sex drive and no desire for sex. That and my temper. If she wanted sex, she had to initiate it cause I sure wouldn't. And if anyone else wants sex with me now it will be the same issue. You want sex with me, you have to initiate it cause I have no desire to have sex. Sucks to be me. I also want to share with you that your day will come if you are not there already (unless of course you are a man, then you will just get prostrate cancer and have erectile dysfunction <grin>). It is the road all biological females (who are not transitioning from FTM and injecting T on a regular basis) will experience.

Glen likes to point out that Shewhoshallnotbenamed's accusation to anyone that will listen that I was coming on to her is a joke, since I have no hormones. In a way that annoys me when he says that, but in another way I have to admit he is right. As annoying it is to know I have no sex drive or desire, it is still true that you gotta work my ass big time to get me to even notice you sexually. Just ask Shewhoshallnotbenamed,never mind, I forgot, she is denying that we were ever together too.

Not that this has happened much in the last few years but, any time someone has come on to me sexually online, doing that flirty thing with me to try to get me interested, I have no reaction whatsoever. In fact, it's annoying. Same thing happened to me in real life with Shewhoshallnotbenamed. She had to practically rape me to get me interested sexually. That might be a slight over statement, but not by much.

I want you to know that losing your sex drive sucks in many ways. Once you get a sex drive (somewhere in your teens) you kind of get used to it and it becomes a part of you. When you lose it, it's like losing a major part of who you thought you were. I am having to recondition my thinking around this lack of a sex drive. Having to relearn who I am without estrogen, progesterone and testosterone.

The last time I had no hormones I was a child. I am no longer a naive child. I am a fairly worldly grown up who has learned much so far in this lifetime (obviously not enough or I still wouldn't make dumbass decisions). I am learning to redirect my energies now. Having no hormones means I can take all that time wasted (depending on your view point) on sex and the pursuit of it and direct it to other productive things. Like now I spend my time (and money) working on me.

I go to the doctor now and spend the time and money on getting me well. I work out to make me healthier. I spend my time doing what is best to help me heal from a lifetime of doing things that made me horribly unhealthy physically. Which is why I am down to 209 pounds as of this morning. The least I have weighed in over 34 years.

Amazing what a pair of shorts falling off your ass will make you think about eh? And all because of a sweet, happy memory of a friend and her Dewalt.