This is Sue's favorite song right now. Today was her year anniversary of quiting smoking. So we went to Hastings and she bought Justin Timberlake's new CD with this song on it.

What Goes Around... / ...Comes Around Interlude"

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

[laughs]
See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
[laughs]

If you recall (this is if you are a real reader of my blog, if you are just an occasional social reader, you will need to go back possibly a year or more to find where in I speak), I wrote this poem for Sue about 10 years ago. It was all about how she talks with her music in whispers that roar. That was how she communicated with the people she really cared about. She made them tapes with all the songs she thought expressed how she was feeling.

So tonight Sue tells me, after we have listened to this Justin Timberlake song a couple of times, that this is the ultimate dis song to a certain ex lover of mine. I must admit I do like it, however, it doesn't fully express how I felt back at the end of December when I had that dream and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that "they" were involved deeper than anyone knew. All I knew was, at that point, when I dreamed about them fucking each other on the floor of my home, I knew that they both had been and were lying to and cheating on several people at several levels. They may not have been to "bed" with each other yet, but they had been down each other's pants and throats plenty of times.

I don't know if I was more angry or hurt when I had that dream. It was as real as dreams get. I knew I was seeing the real thing happen. Which is why I told her to get the fuck out of my home and my life in the dream. When I saw her the next day in real life at the Tiki, I knew I was done with her forever. I knew at that point that it was a matter of cutting my losses and running. When she stuck her tongue down my throat that night I knew that that would be the last time I ever felt her kiss. In a way it saddened me, but in another way, I was so angry with her that I really didn't give much of a shit.

So I have spent a great deal of time trying to deal with my feelings and heal in my own way. I am still in the healing process and I will admit that once in a while (maybe once a day or so) I still get this pain in my heart. Maybe if she hadn't lied so fucking much, maybe if she hadn't dragged what I thought was my friend into her sick fuck game and made her lie and cheat on everyone too, maybe, just maybe if she had handled it differently, maybe it wouldn't sting so fucking deep inside my heart.

But she didn't do it any differently. She did it the way she did it and she is still in the middle of lying to herself about what she has done and is still doing not just to me but to everyone in her life. She is the ultimate Queen of Denial. She has no idea why people are so angry with her. And so she is pissed at them because it serves her purpose to act like she is the offended one when in reality she is the one who has deeply offended everyone.

So anyway, Sue said she would create the ultimate dis tape for her for me. Starting with Justin Timberlake. This is the second song she said fits the situation. She said this song fits all the lying that took place last summer. It's Depeche (no? really?).

 

Things You Said

I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
But they know me better than that
They know me better than that
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
I never denied them
 
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
How can a view become so twisted
How can a view become so twisted
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
You tried them
 
I get so carried away
You brought me down to earth
I thought we had something precious
Now I know what it's worth
 
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I heard it from my friends
About the things you said
I've never felt so disappointed
Never felt so disappointed
They know my weaknesses
I never tried to hide them
They know my weaknesses
Thought that you liked them
 
They know me better than that

 

One day, something very serious is going to come out of all this shit in the form of a novella or perhaps more. I am not sure, maybe even more. I have already written so much, so very, very much. And I have every intention of publishing as much as I possibly can of all I have written so far.

I have to finish healing so that my perspective is clearer. The truth is, I see them both right now as shallow, petty, immature, childish, morally and ethically infantile cretins. I want to see them at all times through the eyes of someone standing back watching from a distance. I want to be able to see myself from that distance too. I want to see them as whole beings, not as the selfish, blood sucking spiritual vampires that I see them as now.

 

It's funny, Sue says I should have Alanis Morrisette's You Ought to Know as one of the songs on my dis CD. Ah, there are so many songs honey. So many ultimate dis songs that can fit the issue at hand. Now whether those dis songs, all lined up and playing their collective pathos of relationships gone bad out for my breaking heart to hear will do me any good remains to be seen. I am not so sure it would help me all that much. The truth is, right after she pulled her little stunt on me on her birthday, I listened to Gordon Mac Cray's reprise of If I loved You from Carousel over and over again for days on end. Even after we had our little conversation on Sunday the 14th of January, and I knew then at that exact moment that it was over between us, I just listened to it even more. Even after she called me (both times in 3 days) and reamed me a new asshole, I still just listened to If I loved You over and over again. The reprise goes like this:

 

Longing to tell you but afraid and shy,

I let my golden chances pass me by

 

Now I've lost you

soon I will go in the mist of day

And you never will know

 

How I loved you

How I loved you

 

This is more my style. Sue is dissing, I am lamenting. Why is this so hard to let go of? Why does anyone wonder that at all? I would think it was very apparent. I was and am deeply in love with her. It's doesn't matter that she used me or abused me or whatever others think happened or even what actually did happen in that relationship, the truth is, I fell in love with her beyond measure, beyond all time and beyond all reason. And no matter what the truth is about the whole affair, it does not and will not diminish how I felt for her and still feel for her.

 

That my friends is a matter of time and I will tell you, I do not get over a real love quickly. And I really loved her, with all ofmy being. This is not necessarily something I want to admit to anymore, but I would be lying if I said I never loved her or felt what I felt and still feel in many ways for her. I would be making myself into a one dimensional shadow character, just like thinking of them as heartless, cold and immoral bastards makes them one dimensional shadow beings too. I want to be able to write from a place where the pain no longer lives so brightly that it blinds me.

 

And write I will. Because that is part of what I am supposed to be doing right now. Soon the creative means with which this project will grow will come to me and it will take off like a wild fire with in me. Because that is how the act of creation always takes place inside of me.

 

And it's getting to be time to create again. I've let a lot of shit clutter my path. Spring cleaning is at hand.

 

Carol? The reason you read my blog is because you have it set up to tell you I posted. It's hard to miss it when it alerts you <grin>. But still, I do appreciate your devoted readership. Despite my whinning and bitching, you still read this drivel anyway.

 

Ciao babies, I love you very much! Even you Boy Wonder <grin>