http://www.clayandgina.com/photos.html

Yeah, I am going to subject you to family pictures. You however get to choose whether you want to actually view these photos. Except for the wedding, I am not in any of these pictures. Just my kid, her husband Clay and my beautiful grandchild.

 

Ok, still not smoking (doing happy dance). Now that I am off the insulin and on the Byetta, my weight is going down again. The insulin put back on nearly everything I had lost in a month or two. But a week on Byetta and I am back down to where I started. The Byetta is suppose to make you lose weight whether you want to lose it or not. It's important for diabetics like me to lose the weight that has helped cause their diabetes in the first place. So I am assuming this is why Byetta is the drug of choice for physicians attempting to get their patients weight down also.

Often, before I go to sleep at night, I program myself to be able to hear what spirit is trying to teach me while I am sleeping. Often during sleep you are able to hear and learn where you can't during the day time because of all the noise and activity. It's especially hard in this house because if the TV. Meditation becomes almost impossible because of the TV. No matter what you attempt to do, the TV comes screaming through to your scared meditation time and destroys it completely. So in an attempt to make up for being fucked out of my meditation time during the evening, I attempt to do the programming thing for sleep. The problem with doing the programming thing is, unless you wake up in the middle of it, your conscious mind sleeps right through whatever you may be in the middle of being taught.

This morning I woke up to Justin Timberlake in my head. Just the chorus. Over and over and over again. It made me finally get up and give up trying to sleep. I don't know why "what goes around, goes around, goes around, goes around, comes back around.." wouldn't leave my head or why it was in my head in the first place. Other than I have been asking my guides to help me heal from all that has been done to me in the last few months. This is a greater/deeper healing than just taking what was sent/done to me and sending it back to the perpetrator(s). This is taking the actual physical/emotional damage that was done and attempting to put a healing salve on the wounds.

It's not like I am sitting here bleeding out or something, I'm not, it's just I want the scars that are attempting to form to not form, or to not cause anymore pain. I don't want to have a scar to remember anyone by. I mean, whether "she" knows this or not, she is not my greatest love ever. No, there are a couple of people out there that supersede her in the hierarchy of great loves.

What I want in my heart is for it to be as if she never did the cruel and heartless things she did to me to me. What I need is a shift in my perception of the whole relationship. I very much want to keep the things I learned from that relationship, I just want and need a paradigm shift in how I view the whole thing. Like I want to be able to look at the shitty stuff she did to me and see it from a whole other perspective. A perspective that doesn't have me as her victim, but rather as her student or something to that effect.

Sounds simple doesn't it? Now if I could just get my hard head to do what I want it to do <grin>. Despite my hard headedness, life is still grand. I still don't smoke (and haven't even tried), and I am losing weight and getting healthy. And, the great part about all of this is, I am not depressed in any way shape or form. Yippee! Not too shabby.

I like that "when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will do whatever is necessary to change". Nice to be reminded of that little truth eh?

Ciao