One of the things I like about being my age is that you generally have been there done that and got the tee shirt many times. So there is not much anyone person or situation can bring to you that is going to actually "shock" you. People can do things that amaze you with the things they say and do because you would never have thought in a million years that they could be quite so stupid, because after all, they are amazingly transparent to those who have been there done that. But other than that, they still haven't done something you have never seen before.

One thing you learn about anger and reacting to painful stimuli is, as soon as you get it all out you can generally go on and heal from it all over a period of time (time lines depend on the severity of the stimuli).

Pain actually creates anger. It's not the other way around. You must first be hurt in order to get angry about something. Most people don't notice the pain part of stimuli. They tend to go right to anger and bypass the pain if at all possible. You learn  this kind of info in anger management class. And yes, I indeed did do anger management in therapy back when I was in my late 20's and early 30's. Course I was only doing the anger management stuff in therapy because I absolutely would not deal with any of my other issues at the time. I couldn't face them. But I could admit I had anger issues, so that is what I worked on in therapy. Hey, it was better than nothing, ok?

Anyway, I was just thinking about what it finally took for me to get real and actually do the inner work I needed to do for myself in order to heal from my life woundings and become a whole person for the first time in my life. It took Debbie attempting to kill me. It took my whole world being turned upside down and inside out for me to wake up. It took the universe the ultimate to get me out of denial and on a path of self discovery and the ultimate meeting with Universal Oneness/Love.

So I have been sitting here contemplating my anger of late. Why am I so angry? Well, because I am so deeply hurt. 25 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to put two and two together and figured out that my extreme anger was because I was so wounded. Now, I go right to the pain first and feel it, move around with it, and how it makes me feel. I search for what it will take to heal from that injury. If I can see a pretty clear path of healing I tend to not go to anger. I tend to just go straight for the healing path and move on down that until I am healed.

But when the injury keeps getting reopened and the wounding continues for a period of time, it's hard to stay on that path of healing. You are so busy trying to protect your wounds from the next round of incoming injuries that you literally are thrown bodily (spirit/mind body that is) off that path. When the person(s) or situation that has caused you injury continues to mercilessly attack and injure you, you literally cannot, despite all you may know how to do to heal, stay on that healing path. There comes a point in the wounding of your being that you probably are going to need the help of other healers to heal the injury because it has become so great.

You will see this in people who suffer from PTSD, like survivors of childhood abuse, people who have spend enough time in a war zone or some type of severe natural disaster, people attempting to come out of severely abusive (mentally, physically, spiritually) relationships. They can attempt to heal themselves, but their wounding is so deep that it really is impossible to do it alone with out the help of healers.  Generally the best they can do when the wounding is that severe is to self medicate. Self medication, as we all know, can involve many different substances and behaviors we use in order to not feel the pain of the severe wounding.

I watch my last bastion of self medication in my life now. You  might think it's nicotine, and well, nicotine was part of what was left of my self medication. But it wasn't close to the main drug I used, not even a little close. I used/use relationships to keep from having to deal with my feelings. When you are embroiled in a passionate love affair with the myriad of feelings that revolve around the relationship, you sincerely do not have to deal with your own shit. You are so busy dealing with the relationship that you have no time, nor the ability to deal with your own shit that needs dealing with. You will in fact, not heal from your previous severe woundings. You will merely cause those wounds to be even more injured eventually as the dysfunctional person you have chosen to have this wild relationship with deteriorates into being abusive with you.

The reason I can see this self medicating behavior in others so well is because I still do it myself. Relationships with dysfunctional people are something you know is going to take you away from dealing with your own shit. Just like getting drunk off your ass makes you not have to deal with your own shit. But you do it anyway because they are exciting and that excitement is what you are craving in the first place. The excitement keeps you from having to deal with yourself.

Luckily for me, I can see when I am doing this shit with myself now. It doesn't generally stop me (sometimes it does), but at least I see what I am doing now as before I didn't know what I was doing at all except getting involved with people who would ultimately hurt me. Actually, it does stop me to a point. It just depends on where I am emotionally at the moment and how I have been feeling about me and my world. Like most people, I only pick severely dysfunctional people to be involved with. Which is why I keep re injuring my old wounds.

I said this in a previous post, I quit smoking to prove to myself that I could indeed be good to me and stop abusing me. Up to and including getting involved in abusive, dysfunctional relationships. I am going to heal if it kills me. LOL, it just might.

But more on this at some other time.

Ciao baby!