I am unsure of how to describe the emotions and thoughts of late going on in our home. For me, right now it has gotten to the point of feeling surreal. At the moment, I feel as if I am in another time and space physically removed from my head. My body is vibrating as if it's about to take off for another dimension.

This is stress induced. Remember I said that death does not become me? Maybe that was in an email to someone privately rather than in here. Doesn't matter, the point is, having to deal with life and death is mind numbing after a period of time. Heart strangling painful decisions. Something at some point in time nearly everyone must live through and endure as best as possible.

It's all so easy to talk of death as part of life from your head when death seems to be beating down the door at every step. No one lives forever you tell yourself, the feeble attempt to forcefully rationalize your heart in to accepting what your head tells you is soon to come.

Not willing to let go as long as there is still hope. Not giving up until there is no other alternative. Because that alternative is being without that person until whenever again. And having to make decisions. Listening to your already numb heart. Knowing you are doing what they would want if they were there in their right mind to make these decisions for themselves. It doesn't make it any easier on the heart to know you are doing what they would want you to do for them.

Give them their dignity, their pride (and for a Leo that is a very important one), let them go if they are ready. No more suffering. Don't let this pain continue when medically they are telling you that it is an impossible battle to fight.

I have been a warrior for many lifetimes. I have fought for king and emperor. Fought their battles to my own death so many times that my spirit is battle weary after so many chieftains and so many lives. Now my king lays dying in a hospital bed. I have fought to defend his honor, his dignity, his wishes. I am being told to lay down my weapons. The king is dead, long live the king. But my king is not dead, not yet anyway and I the warrior prince cannot lay down his weapons just yet. Not just yet.

And until he draws his last breath, I his warrior prince, defender of his realm, I who swore my allegiance and loyalty to him far past his death remains steadfast in my vigilance. I cannot waver, nor be weak now, I am his warrior prince, sworn to care for his empire until my own dying breath. Carrying out my promise to him, knowing he knows in his heart that I am here and will remain true to my promise to him, long after his physical body is dust.

I will take care of them Marty, because I gave you my word, my solemn promise, vowed to you that I would. And so I have and will continue to do so. Because you gave me your trust, loyalty and devotion and so, in my heart, it is the honorable thing to always keep my vow to you, even past death. It is the honorable thing born of my love for you, not because I owe you, but because it was a commitment made between two souls who knew, trusted and loved one another deeply.

Because that is just the way I am made. I do not know how to be any different. My devotion to you unending, you knew that about me. You chose well my king. I've let love pass me by because I could not, would not break my vow to you. I've let my soul die a thousand deaths because I will not fail you my friend, my king.

In another time and place we will embrace and our spirits will remember silently what our conscious minds have forgotten. We will remember the bond of love and of honor. As only two warriors can.

We have made the decision to fight if necessary for you at every turn, but if the battle is lost, we have decided to let you go with as much dignity as possible. No more tubes down your throat, no more painful, evasive maneuvers , no more wasting away to nothing, not if it will never bring you back again. Until there is no hope we hold our vigilance for you, and when all hope is gone, we let you go with dignity.

And that is what is going on in my head and heart now. We are trying to make it through K's birthday with the imminence of all this looming in front of us. Forget about Christmas, that is just something in the way right now. Something that must be dealt with because of K and because she still believes in Santa Claus.

Holding out hope, painfully, awaiting a miracle of help from someone or something. Anything for our king.

Long live the King.