I feel sooooo much better physically tonight than I have in quite sometime. Thanks to the correct drugs administered by an actual physician who went to medical school and everything.

I tested for a series of karate things last week with Sensie Jack. I had to go back and learn the Japanese words to the English names for things that I already knew. Apparently when Alec and I practiced last weekend, we only practiced me learning the English version and how to do the moves and not how to pronounce the Japanese to those moves and things. So I had to practice my ass off all weekend to test again Monday on these things.

I practiced with the help of Sue, Alec and Curtis. I tested Monday (yesterday) and actually passed with flying colors. So today I actually got my stripes. Two more stripes and I can test for orange. The only real problem is that I do not know a damn thing involved in getting the other two stripes. I looked at the requirements for those stripes and I was like "holy shit" I don't know this shit at all. And here Sensie Jack was saying I could test for orange next month. I sure as hell don't feel that way. I am going to have to put a ton more effort in this if I want to see that orange belt by June first.

Sort of like I have to put a ton more effort in this if I want to see that 30 pounds off this body by June 1st too. This ten pounds I have been trying to lose this month has been a bitch. I go down 5 pounds and am back up 4 pounds in a few days. The only good part is that at least one pound stays off. But this is sure slow going. What that tells me is that 4 pounds is always just water. I need to stay away from Chinese food. Too much sodium and probably more carbs hiding in there than I should be ingesting.

Ok, so now you know where my body is at, how about my head and heart? Head is ok, still not squarely on, but functioning well enough to get me by. The heart is trying to figure life out still. I was pretty sure I had lost my best friend last week. That was a pain in deed. Hurt like a muther fucker.

So now there you have it, my heart is hurting. My best friend is probably no longer going to be my best friend. I am not sure how we are going to get over this hump in the relationship. She is pissed and I am hurt. That doesn't make for good communication. Sonow I am just going to have to let it all go and give it up to the universe and let whatever happens happen. That is scary and pains me deeply. I have come to rely on her friendship more than I am willing to admit. Now I must go back to relying on myself as my comfort and sole support emotionally. At least that is what appears is going to be the case. If I have to say good bye to you Alec my boy, it will kill me. I love you son, more than I care to admit.

I give it up and hand it over to the universe. I have no control over any of this and I must be willing to lose that which I hold so dear in my heart and just let it all go.

And so it goes.....

I am done.

Ciao.