Today was definitely different. Between these meds and other things going on in my life, I am feeling kind of good right now. Not perfect, but then I have never felt perfect, ever. Who has? Not me, not you, not nobody.
I went to the dojo again tonight. I had pretty much one purpose for being there. But I also had another one which I acomplished while there. I have to go back next week and finalize the latter purpose. I am not so sure I can do this thing. Not sure how I feel about all the Japanese shit. I am pretty rebellious when push comes to shove. Not that I don't understand showing respect and such, I just don't know how I am going to get into a head space where I feel safe there. I know it might sound confusing trying to comprehend what I am saying here, but I need to feel safe when I am doing something new to me. I need to feel I am protected. Much of my how people see me, being so headstrong and stubborn is born out of my need to feel safe.
I am working on feeling good about my emotional safety issues. I know what my issues are and how I have been wounded in life. Very little of my early life woundings still remain as scars that give me grief. In fact, the only real pain I have around woundings are those that as fairly recent in life.
Most of those wounds were created by my venturing out into the unknown. Taking risks I never had the balls to take before. I learned many valuable lessons taking those risks, but I also got seriously burned with some of them. I do not regret any of the risks I took. The pain left behind in the scars they created are something that with time lessen. And as I reflect on them, I learn even deeper lessons from those risks I took.
The dojo is a risk to me. For my own personal reasons. Which is why I teeter on the edge with becoming part of all that.
On the other hand, I have been sitting on this fence the last few months. I keep falling off that fence on to the scary side of it. Today I fell off again. I haven't managed to climb back up again yet. I am kind of standing there leaning against the fence looking all hot and sexy, thinking maybe I do not want to climb back up just yet. I kind of like this side of the fence. It's scary, yet at the moment I feel safe. It's risky on this side of the fence btw. Emotionally risky. Right now, I do not care. Life is too short to stay on the safe side of the fence forever.
Following my heart. Listening to my gut. Knowing that I know how to take care of myself, no matter what decisions I make or how they effect me. Setting my spirit free to soar, to live, to experience. To feel, love, experience. Life can be good sometimes.
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