What to write about tonight? What to do, what to do? There's so much I could say, but of course you know I won't. I can say that I am dead tired. Long day you know. But that is not interesting, so that's as far as that will go.
Really, I have a lot more to say than this drivel so far. I'm just not sure what it is that I want to say. But I am working on it, right now, even as we speak. Trust me.
You know, the other day I went to my regularly scheduled Wednesday morning coffee clatch with my Geekfest buds. Now I know some of these people fairly well. Most of them, honestly, I barely know at all. I don't know what came over me that morning. It's like I was possessed by the spirit of Shecky Green or something. Shecky Green, as you may remember, was a regular guest on Johnny Carson and the Mike Douglas Show way back when. But then so was Totie Fields, and I am sure you remember her just as well. If I had to be possessed by any departed bad Vegas lounge comic, I suppose I would rather it be Shecky Green rather than Totie Fields. Totie was funny, but that missing leg was just a bit too much, even for me.
At any rate, I couldn't stop myself. I was on such a roll. The one liners, double entendres and whimsical witties just kept flying outta my mouth at break neck speed. The more they laughed, the more they flew outta me. And this from some one who was seriously suicidal that morning. I had them holding their guts and slamming their fists on the table howling with laughter. I haven't been this good in years. I almost felt like my old sarcastically sardonic self again.
One woman, teary eyed from gut wrenching laughter asked me why I wasn't doing stand up for a living. That was when I had to explain to her that my brother had spent over a decade of his life attempting to make a living doing stand up comedy. It runs in the family you know, we all think we are hilarious. He even had his own HBO special somewhere back in the 80's that I actually never saw. In fact, I only saw him perform professionally once, I think it was at the Ice House in Pasadena. Personally I didn't think he was all that funny. He was ok. I chuckled at a few of the bits he and Roger did. But the chick that came on after him was hilarious. She had me rolling on the floor. I don't think I should have told him that about her after the show. After all, he had asked me how his bit was, not hers. He kind of frowned right about then.
But the point of this story and I do have a point (channeling Ellen now), is that as I sat there zinging off these witty barbs, I was thinking to myself that comedy is tragedy turned inside out. Being as depressed as I was at the moment, it seemed an appropriate thought. I kept thinking that if these fine folk laughing their asses off even remotely knew how close I had been that morning to pulling my gun out from under the bed, inserting a shell in the chamber, placing it at the back of my throat, directly pointing it at my cerebral cortex and then pulling the trigger, they would not be laughing so hard.
Something amazing happened during that "set" there at Myrtie Mae's. Their laughter, my laughter, fed my aching spirit. It began a healing within me that somehow helped me process beyond my personal internal agony. That almost reminds me of a Reader's Digest monthly feature, but I am not going there right now. I refuse to give the Annenberg's any credit for my recovery.
I keep saying I am on some precipice, ripe for a massive cathartic change. What I keep wishing for is a revisitation from that universal oneness thing I experienced 16 years ago this month. That was definitely life altering indeed. I have never been the same since. It's interesting that today of all days, as I drove down the street (we did a lot of driving today btw) with Alyssa (Alec boy) at my side, my mind began to go back to that time and that journal that I was sitting there writing in when Universal Oneness came a calling on me. I wondered where the floppy disk was that held those writings. And then I wondered where the hard copy of that journal might be lurking. I was sure that if someday, I could get to the back of the garage where I am nearly positive all my past life used to be stored neatly away by category, that I would find these treasures. On the other hand I have moved so many times in the last 11 years that I think the last time I saw either one of them was way back when I still lived with Cheryl on Deer Lane.
Cheryl had this obsession with trying to get inside my head. I think she read that journal cover to cover a few times trying to figure me out. That was nearly 400 type written pages, so I'm sure it was a challenge, even for her studious, bad ass self. I used to have at least 2 copies of "THE" Journal. Somehow in Cheryl's voracious need to eat me alive, body, soul and spirit, bits and pieces of it got separated and lost from at least one of them.
The point is, as I was tootling down Highway 62 headed for a job out on Mundell today, I felt the overwhelming need to read that journal again. Like I kept thinking that if I could at least read the part where I was overcome with Universal Oneness, that I could recapture that moment again. Or at least have a snapshot, or road map guiding me on as to how I got from point A to point B on that particular day.
On the other hand, I am not the 35 year old I was sitting there typing away on that day 16 years ago. Life has given me thousands of lessons, big and small since that day, and I have grown onward and upward. What it took to reach me then is most probably not what it would take to reach me now. A series of large and small events had led me to that moment in time. I am not sure I am willing to have the large events like those that preceded Universal Onenesse's impartational visitation happen to me again. In fact, right at this exact second, I do not want to be tested on what I am willing or unwilling to take in order to cathartically grow further onward and upward.
Know that my heart is full now. Know that I am in a quandary within myself. I have no idea where I am really going or why. This is neither good nor bad, it just is the state of beingness that I am experiencing right now. One foot in front of the other, keep moving, keep searching, keep open, don't close doors, don't throw up walls, just experience fully, profoundly, in the moment, now. Now, in this moment, which is all there really ever is... this now, this beingness, this eternal now. Love, glue of all that is, experience it, now, fully, in the now, sharing all that is my beingness. Now. I know that my spirit loves you beyond all time and space, in the forever of now.
I accept and receive your spirit's unconditional love of my beingness. I return that love ten fold. Forever. I love you pure and simple. Everything in my now comes back to that truth. I love you. And yes, should you feel that this was directed wholly at you, it was. And I meant every word of it. I love you.
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