What does childhood abuse do to a person? Every day of my life I walk through a fetid forest of survivors of childhood abuse. Mental, physical, sexual, emotional, it's all damaging, it all destroys what could have been in it's wake. It all leaves behind a hollow core of what could have been, what should never have been.

Every day I deal with the walking wounded of childhood abuse. Do I work in a mental health facility? Hell no, I am just an ordinary person, dealing with ordinary people, day in and day out. Every day that goes by though, I run into someone or several someones who are so wounded that they cannot cope with life because of those wounds deep inside them.

In the last several years I decided that I am a strong enough and a healed enough soul to venture getting close to people who are not healed from their severe woundings in childhood. I have concluded after several attempts at allowing these "ordinary folk" in to my inner circle that I m not that strong. It takes someone who has a much greater healing than I and inner strength ten times what I have to deal with these "ordinary people".

What I have discovered is that there are two distinct kinds of abused survivors. There are those who will suck you dry in every way possible (although some of them prefer specific forms of leeching, some however are not as picky and will suck you dry in every way possible). Then there are those who allow themselves to be sucked dry by the leeches.

When I am deep in my own illness, when I have lost my recovery, I tend to fall into the second category exclusively. People with my dysfunction when actively not in recovery tend to draw in people from that first category. We appear strong, therefore, like the loving parent the abused leeching survivor never had and is still seeking out. And we let them suck us dry.

There is no one specifically who is sucking the life out of me right now. There are some hangers on who would like to suck me dry right now, but I only share a minor amount of myself with them. Certainly not enough of me for it to take from my reserves. I got burned out from the last set of leeches so bad that I honestly do not see myself ever being able to be strong enough to deal with people with that depth of dysfunction again anytime in the near to distant future.

Cheryl was probably the worst of the worst of the long list of blood suckers I have attracted over the last 17 years. That experience is still a nightmare I awaken screaming from. I look at these last 17 years and I wonder why I have allowed all this to happen to me. Why have I continued to attract persons who are so unable to do life without needing to suck the life blood out of someone else to survive?  Why do I do that?

I have often thought that it is because most of the people that are blood suckers appear to be free spirits. And I guess I find that attractive. And somehow, for some reason, they are attracted to me.

All of this allowing others in was part of an experiment in relating to others. It was part of learning to love unconditionally. I am not saying it failed, I am thinking more along the lines of I made a miscalculation while mixing chemicals and something in my lab blew up. Now I am a little too shell shocked to go back in the lab again. That last explosion just about took my life. Now I am too afraid to even venture out again into the world of relating. I'm pretty much just sticking to myself. I just don't have it in me anymore to even try to reach out ever again. At least it feels like ever again to me right now.

I don't know what brought that up for me tonight. Other than we watched 1408 tonight and the part with his dead daughter coming to him and making him break down made my heart grieve. Grieving for all the lost loves in life. Grieving for relationships that are dead. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Dead to me forever for whatever reasons. Physical death is somehow the one that is the easiest to handle. Although it is an end in the physical and the separation is painful, still, you know the death of the relationship did not occur because of the emotional sickness residing in both of you. The other deaths are because of emotional sicknesses. That is what killed the relationship. And that hurts worse than anything. They are there, as are you, living life daily with out each other. And all because you are both so sick. And that sickness because you were so abused as children that you never had the opportunity to come out as an adult in a healthy functional way.

And so I stay away from people now. Anyway from them emotionally. I don't have the strength to be open anymore. That explosion did me in for now. And probably for some time to come. Even my loneliness is not enough to compel me to seek out closeness anymore. That was how painful that accident in the laboratory was. Now I spend my time introverted and seeking my solace within. Now I search inside me for answers without benefit of companionship.

Life and learning go on. For however long there is of life, it all goes on and on.