I wanted to throw a thought down somewhere and this place seemed as good as any at the moment.

I have been chastised a bit the last few days for not letting people help me as much as they could or would if I asked them to help me. This is not unusual. I get chastised often for not asking for help when it's apparent I could use some. The answer as to why I do not ask for help is relatively simple, I am not used to getting help and so I do what comes naturally, I do it myself out of shear determination to survive.

I have learned in my long (or short depending on your perspective) years in this lifetime to become as self sufficent as possible. I learned long ago not to depend on nor trust in anyone else to be there to help you with anything. To believe in or to depend on someone else to be there when you need them is to set them up for failure. It's better to allow them to not fail on some promise they made to be there, when they will succeed quite nicely if they never made such a promise to you in the first place.

I learned as a small child to be as self sufficient as possible. Learned well at my mother's knees that no one would ever be there to help or assist, so learn to do it all on your own and survive as best you can by your own wits and strength. I've learned to survive nicely all on my own. Sometimes life is a little hard having to go it all alone like that, but it is better than to be standing there holding one end of a rope only to find that no one else is at the other end to help anyway.

People will tell you I am stubborn. I will admit I am very stubborn at times. I find it very difficult to ask anyone for any kind of help. Not from some sence of pride or anything of that nature, but because I simply do not know how to ask for help. I am so used to doing everything alone that I have long since lost any ability I might have had in asking for assistance. I honestly lack the ability to say "Hey I could use a hand here." I am so used to taking care of myself and everyone else around me that I have no concievable idea how to do life otherwise.

That is not the kind of stubborn that makes me do things my way or refuse to do something I do not want to do, that's just plain old bullheaded Taureanness. This other thing is more like in my head, asking forhelp was never an option here. It never even occurrs to me that help is an option.

So I put it out to the universe that help would come to me. Help is a relative term. One man's help could be another man's responsibility or poision or meat or whatever. I didn't want to limit how the universe would send me help, so I didn't put any specific demands on what help was to me.

What I did get specific with was the propane tank and my work van. We don't have heat or gas to cook with because we lost our propane tank just before last winter. That was because we were too broke to pay the bill so they came and took it away. Thankfully last winter was mild enough that we were only cold with small electric heaters in our bedrooms. So I have dilligently attempted to find a propane tank as cheaply as possible so that this winter we can actually heat our house. So far nothing cheap has come our way, but then there's still a few weeks left before the cold sets in and we will need the heater. I am still on the quest for the inexpensive way to get a propane tank (filled) installed and heat in our house once again. I am giving the universe every opportunity to come up with some help here.

As for the work van, I put it out there that someon woul dcome along with either transmission repair job that I can afford, or someone to come along and decide that they don't want a perfectly fine working van they own and either give it to me or sell it to me for a ridicoulously low price that I can pay off slowly. So that's out there mulling around in the universe too. Working van and a propane tank. Two things that would cost me $2500 I do not have and will never have all at once and two things I am releasing to the universe to fix the problem for me.

So I have asked for help in the only way I know how. I asked the universe to send me help and I am not passing anything by as possible help from the universe. That's just in case the universe sends the help to me in a way I wasn't expecting and so I wasn't looking when it was dropped in my lap. I am not trying to expect, I am trying to just know that the help will come.

The reason help came up for me tonight is because I was chastised a bit yesterday for not asking for help in and out of bed. Hey, I forget I need help until it's too late and I am stuck in a weird position. Idon't mean to get in that predicament, it just happens because I forget I am not totally able bodied at the moment.

I have been asking Dave to take me to jobs and help me with taking locks on and off doors. I can't really drive on these drugs, so I have to have help. So Dave's there. See, I know how to ask for help. Glenny helps me change my wound dressing, and helps me in and out of bed. Sue helps me in bed (yes I have more trouble getting in than out of bed).  In fact, the first two days after I got home, Glenny gave me my meds on schedule and helped me do almost everything, he even slept on the floor next to my bed to make sure I got my meds on schedule. See? I can receive help. I just don't know how to say I need it, that's all.

I am probably not going to change my self sufficient ways any time soon. At least, I don't see that coming down the pike anytime in the near future anyway. So I think I have done well lately considering my normal behavior. I at least have been accepting help without complaint, well, much anyway.

Not bad for an old, stubborn Taurus.