I dreamed about Debbie last night. She had finally come home to me. Like she had been away on long extended journey. I was so glad to see her. I just wanted to hold her forever. But as dreams go, I did not.

I remember thinking in my dream that Debbie being home again would show every one how marriage is really done. I don't ever remember her saying a word though. Not one word.

She looked just like she did before she got really sick. She was shy as always. Demure in her own normal way. I remember feeling so much love for her. Not that crazy in love shit, just love, pure and simple. Like you love someone you have known and loved all your life.

If she were still alive we would have been together 27 years this last May. I don't feel old enough to have been married for 27 years to someone. I don't feel old enough to feel like I am 53. I feel like I am missing years or something. Like I got older physically, but my mind is still somewhere in my 30's. Am I Rumpelstiltskin? Did I go to sleep for 20 years and just recently wake up? Where did my youth go? I had so much I wanted to get done, I have not done any of it if I recall. I think I have been busy beating my head against a wall. Trying to figure life out and failing miserably sometimes.

Never fulfilling my dreams. Forgetting I had them completely in the onslaught of my trying to survive day to day. I remember my dreams sometimes. I wanted to do my art. That will never happen now. I don't have the time, the space or the energy to do it now. Too much shit in life, too much petty day to day survival and taking care of this world I have become responsible for.

Too much shit. It makes sense that Debbie would come to me in a dream when I feel lost and overwhelmed with this life of mine. She was the only equal partner I have ever had. She knew how to do marriage. She knew how to be there as a partner, as did I. Equally yoked. A good team. We accomplished much together. We built an empire together. I miss that. I miss dreaming with someone about a future to build. I miss making it happen because you both have thesame vision and dream. I miss her. I miss having someone to share my life with.

The rest of my dream was about trying to get through this water way that was underground, in of all places Tulsa. It never ended. Constantly jumping from one level to another, trying not to fall in and be swept away in the water. It just went on and on and never ended. And all I wanted was to go home, to get back to my family.

Now I am sad because I am seriously missing Debbie. Why the fuck did she have to get sick like that? I want to know why I lost my world so young. I want to know why I never found another world like the one I had with her again. And why is there never a real answer? Karma. I'll buy that one.

I must have been one fucked up bastard to have deserved that fate. Fuck eh?

Karma sure can suck sometimes.

Ciao