I just realized, literally moments ago, that I should have saved some of my old size 46 and 48 pants for those after major weight loss pictures skinny people love to take of the fat person standing inside their old pants holding them out 16 inches from their waist and grinning like a jack-n-ape now that they are a size 28 waist or whatever.

You will never see that kind of picture of me grinning like a fool in my old pants. One, because I will never be a size 28 waist and two, because I gave all those old clothes to the thrift store. I think the last time I was a size 28 waist I was probably 14, maybe. It's not that I don't think I couldn't lose enough weight to be a size 28, it's because (and you will understand this if you have ever been obese and lost a hundred pounds or more) you have so much loose skin left that never goes away with out plastic surgery, therefore, it would be impossible to have that waist size.

So I am shooting for a 32 or 30 waist. I am in very loose 36s right now. I actually fit into a pair of Sue's 34s a couple of days ago. My loose skin around my gut was hanging over, but they were not uncomfortable.

I weighed in at 174 pounds just a few minutes ago. That's almost 30 pounds away from my new goal weight. My new goal weight is 145 before surgery (to remove Rocky the Flying Squirrel from my arms and thighs, he will weigh about 10 pounds when I reach my goal weight). If you saw Rocky on my arms right now you would understand my need for the plastic surgery. I theoretically could hang glide without the hand glider right now. Thirty more pounds from now and my arms could rival a 747. I am not planning on having my abdomin skin removed. I just don't care about that. No one will ever see it, ever. I do not have sex with other people anymore and I don't plan on doing that with anyone ever again. So I have decided that the only time someone will see me completely naked again will be at the doctor's office or if they walk in on me while I am in the bath tub.

In 8 months I have lost 65 pounds. In the last two years I have lost a total of 105 pounds so far. It's kind of surreal in a way to me. I never thought I could lose this weight I have carried for so many years now. But here it is just melting off me and all because I decided to live. Because I asked theuniverse to make me healthy. And here I am, getting healthy.

Remember forgiveness? I do. I asked the universe a few weeks back to help me learn to forgive. The world turns, the universe brings you ways to help in the process. Painful ways to help in the process. I was having a painful (more so for them than for me) phone conversation with someone this afternoon and I was telling them about my asking the universe to help me learn to forgive and let go of the past. I told her that it had all gone beyond my ability to do it without help, that I had asked for someone to be sent to help me. And whom did the universe send? The person I was having this very conversation with this afternoon. And it happened in a phone conversation that she and I had had a week or so before hand.

Through all my anger and grief I heard her words about forgiveness. I broke down and cried while we talked that day. Broke down and opened my heart to hear her words. My enemy, the universe had sent my enemy to help me learn to forgive. In those few moments as we talked that day, and as I broke down, I remembered just how deeply I had loved this person way back when, way back when we were still friends. Remembered as the flood gates of that rememberance spilled into my heart just how dearly I loved/love this person.

I said to her this afternoon "Could you tell I was hearing you? That I was really listening?". Yes. She could tell. It was apparent.

Now she is in pain... grieving deeply. I told her she had the tools now within her to help her through her tough time. Tools she never had before in her life. Tools she could utilize to work through what she is going through at the moment. If she could reach me, as painfilled and angry as I was at her, she could help herself get through this tough time. And you never know what the future really is in the end. Perhaps her situation can be healed in some way.

Have I learned the forgiveness I asked the universe to send me a lesson on yet? I am working on it now. Processing. Working. Trying to heal, waiting for that final feeling of real release from the pain. The anger is gone, but the pain is still there. I am not quite there, but I am light years closer than I was a week ago.

I grieve for all that has happened in the last year. I grieve for all the pain and anger and loss of friendships that happened. Processing, working toward an ultimate healing, an ultimate forever lesson, learned for all time. I do not want to ever have to go through any of this again with anyone for any reason. I want this lesson learned. I want my lesson to have been learned for my higher good, for the higher good of all. Whatever I finally learn, I want to be able to use it forever in this lifetime and all others to come.

That is where I am in the process of learning forgiveness right now. Moving forward slowly, but at least no longer stuck.