Dear Edgie,
Yes indeed, forgiving myself has become the quest in my heart. I am just not so sure what I really need to forgive myself for. Like, there is so much I could come up with while roving around making a fearless moral inventory. I could come up with half a dozen items off the top of my head that I need to apologise to myself for and then makes amends to me for.
On the other hand, I can come up with at least a half dozen or more things I have done this last year or so that has been to be really good to me and further me in my path of growth. Which is why I wish I had someone else to talk all this out with. I will end up beating myself up and missing the good things I have done while attempting to work through all the things I need to make amends to myself over. I need a touchstone to sit with me and lovingly guide me through the self forgvieness process.
Unfortunately I only know shame based, guilt producing folk. You know, back home in LA, there were tons of support groups and 12 steps meetings you could go to when you needed to do some real inner work. There is nothing here. Absolutely nothing. So you have to figure out how to work your shit alone, without someone to tell you you may or may not be heading down a path that will take your recovery and healing into a direction that is nonproductive for you.
I am looking for unconditional love. Something that is in serious short supply in my life right now. Even within my own being. Which is why I seek out that which is a power greater than myself. At the moment, that si the only resource I have at my disposal to aid in my healing.
So that is where I am, seeking out through meditation the help only a higher power can bring.
Divine intervention.
3 comments:
Yes indeed, forgiving myself has become the quest in my heart. I am just not so sure what I really need to forgive myself for.
::::::::Sir Pn. You asked how you could forgive her, her trespasses, and her transgression's against you, how could you forgive her, knowing that others would see that as admitting what she said about you, was all true, and that in fact you were as she claims you to be....my answer, in order to forgive her, you have to forgive yourself.:::::::::::::
::::::::: Your not appologizing to her, and making amends with her, your wanting to forgive her, of her transgression's in your life. Your wanting to forgive her for hurting you, and those around you that you care about. In order to be able to do this though, you have to forgive yourself.::::::::
(to be continued)))))))))
(Part 2)
::::::::If this was me, someone would be telling me right about now, that I am over analizing it. That I am trying to compare my past actions, against each other. Don't forget Sir Pn. we are all human. We do good things, and we make bad mistakes. Once we figure out the mistakes we make, will we make the same mistakes again? The answer to that one is, yes...we will just do it differently.::::::::
:::::::::It sounds to me, the relationship this other woman had, has fallen appart, and she is now wanting back into your circle, and is making you re think your stance on her as a person, and attempting to make you feel guilty for the way you reacted to her past actions, in a sense making the past relationship that she got involved in, more your fault then hers. This has probably worked with her in the past, she figures it will work again::::::::::
::::::::::The question is: Will it now that your eyes are open, will it work again?
(to be continued)
Part 3:
::::::::Sir Pn, you have a support group, right here. Many of us read what you say, some of us respond via e mail, while others like me respond right here in your journal, others respond on a spiritual level::::::::::::::::
::::::::Okay, you want to be told if your headed in the right direction, or the non- productive direction. My opinion only, if you re hook up with this woman, if you turn around and say forgive me for my thoughts of you, and my actions and behavior this past year...then yes Sir Pn, it is my opinion, that you are headed down the non productive path, once again.
If on the other hand, you are to say to her, I forgive you for placeing my family and myself in pain, and ill treatment this past year. And leave it at that, nothing more, nothing less, just forgiving her. This too is a productive path.
:::::::but if you forgive her, and then start back up with her, as if nothing has changed over the last year, and nothing was said to hurt you, or those you loved and care about, then No Sir this is not productive, and is the wrong path to walk.
:::::::::cupping your chin, lifting your face, Sir Pn. Look around you, there are many of us that love you unconditionally.
:::::Edgie::::::::::::
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