Ever wonder why certain people do certain things, over and over again? Like, I was just thinking about this friend of mine who does all these incredibly self defeating things, over and over again. I sort of understand why he does these things, what I can't understand is why it still feels ok to continue to do self defeating things to himself after all these years.
But then I look at my own life and see the self destructive patterns and think, what's worse, my self destructive patterns or his? Of course, we all know that it's all relative. I guess it just appears to me that his patterns are more painful than mine. I don't know, I guess he has a higher threshold for pain than I do. Or maybe his experience of the things he does to himself are less painful to him than they would be if they happened to me. I dunno.
In his case, I do know that he has always been seeking out extremes in experience. So have I in my own special way. Mine are more of a sexual nature, looking for extremes in experience. His has been more life experience extremes. Extremes in human experience. Raw, violent, graphically emotional experiences. When I think about it, mine is not much different a need to experience, I just chose things less graphic to experience. I still want the raw human emotion though. I just don't need to see the carnage of war or a tsunami to experience those emotions. I'll take gut wrenching, heart ripping, suicidal relationships with psychopaths over carnage on a vast scale, for $800 Alex. Any old day of the week.
Anywho....
On a lighter note, it's New Years Eve at the moment. It's actually early in the AM on NYE, and I have yet to go to sleep from December 30th, so technically to me it's still Friday, December 30th 2005 at the moment. But I figure I will not get a chance to post here again until after the new years celebratory events, so I better post now. There is however, less than 24 hours left in this fucked up year of 2005. Thank fucking god. Considering that I believe that time and space is all relative and in the grand scheme meaningless, Gregorian (or any) calendar year changes mean very little to me.
On an even lighter note, I gave Alyssa a nickname today. She had been looking for a nickname for sometime (in her words, years). We tried Aly out, but it wasn't fitting very well. Al of course was totally out of the question. So this morning (or at some point in the last 24 hours) I came up with Alec. She loved it. She loved it. Frankly, so do I.
I told her earlier this week that I actually loved her name, Alyssa. I thought it was a beautiful name. But it was not very fitting for a boy like her. I can relate, Jeanette is not a very fitting name for me either. I hate it. Which is why I do not use it anymore. J works just fine for me thank you very much. So now Alyssa can become Alec. I have a feeling that for some time to come that I shall be the only one calling her Alec. But I will be working on it... after all I made it up, it's my job to get everyone to call her that now. I managed some how to get everyone to call me J, if I can do that, I can do the other.
Well, it's time for bed. Happy fucking New Year everyone. Truly, I do wish everyone prosperity and unconditional love and happiness in this life experience. It's just I wish it for you all the time. May your blessings be many. May the desires of your heart find their way to you soon and remain with you always.
Peace out my friends.
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