It's the end of the world as we know it.......

I am severely depressed right now. Not enough to entertain thoughts of suicide, but enough that I am torturing myself with extremely moving and melancholy classical music. I think I do this because somewhere inside I think it will expel the demons that haunt my soul and cause a depth of mourning that is beyond reasonable to leave me. This music is what I have always used as my solace... this passion that wells up inside of me when I listen... somehow  it has always been that which calmed my aching soul. Tonight, it is causing my spirit to ache to be free of this human condition, to be free of the pain of being a human being. This is one of those moments when I question my sanity for having incarnated again.

Yes, I do know what is causing the depression. And yes, it is grief. A mourning of a certain and unstoppable loss. Something I have had 51 years to prepare for and yet, I sit here grieving nonetheless, stricken to the core at my loss.

No, no one has died. Nothing more than a part of me that I had always known has passed away. And now I must grieve it's loss and move on with life. I do not like grief. Do not like grieving. And yet I know that it is part of the growth we go through as incarnate beings. It doesn't make me like it anymore, knowing it's purpose.

Giving up part of you that you thought would always be, appears to be more difficult than I first thought. I don't know why this is so hard for me to accept and just go on with. Well, that is not necessarily true, I do know why this is so hard, why this cuts me so deeply, why I am weeping deeply right now. I just wish I would buck it up and go on, walk away and figure out how to go on.....

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I wrote this almost two years ago. I can't believe that this blog is almost two years old. Wow... ain't that something?

It seemed so appropriate to me for this posting. Great grief begets the memory of great griefs past. I hide it all so well, you would never know I was nearly hysterical in my pain eh? Depending on who you are in my life, you have spent days, weeks, years on end with me and yet, you do not know the depth to which I ache inside.  Because I will never share it with you face to face. And here, in this place you cannot hear the pain in my voice, nor see the tears of a lifetime of grieving falling silently.

 

Feb 04:

You know, I am a great salesman, due in part to the fact that I can read people pretty well, that and I know what questions to ask and I listen to their answers closely. But when it comes to my personal life, I have a very difficult time reading people's intent. For some reason, even if someone swears on pain of death that they mean this when they say that, I still have deeply held doubts. That could be from years of being lied to by my mother. I guess I learned to never trust anyone who tells you they love you that they really mean it. I also learned at Mom's knee that just because you love someone with all of your being does not mean they are going to love you back.

Maybe this doesn't happen to every kid, but I suspect it does with many, we grow up believing our Mother doesn't really love us. I surely did believe that growing up. I really though Mom did not love me. Fast forwarding into my adult years, Debbie was pretty good friends with my Mom and they would talk for hours about stuff. This was even before Debbie and I were together. Apparently Mom confessed to Debbie (way back before Debbie and I were ever lovers) that she had never loved me as a child. Debbie was trying to console me one night in bed about my mother and her treatment of me when this revelation came out. Debbie let it slip that my Mom had told her she never loved me. I was probably 28 or 29 and this just struck me to the core. I felt mortally wounded, my heart was broken beyond words and I sobbed uncontrollably for sometime that evening. I don't think there are too many other times in my life I have been so heart broken.

All my fears confirmed, I had not read Mom wrong all those years ago as a child. I had read her as right as you can read another person. Mom taught me to doubt most people's sincerity in my personal relationships. On the other hand, she also taught me to tie my shoe laces, so it all evens out in the end right?

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So yeah, this is what the face of my depression looks like, and yet you are not seeing it. That I would never impose on you in real life. Here I can lament. Here you will just pass over what you do not want to read, what you cannot deal with hearing. Yet here I have the space to say what I cannot say to another living soul. Here I can become small and struggle for understanding. Here I can beat my demons until they rise screaming to the surface, finally to be released from my heart. Hopefully forever.

Ky, you said to me once that I love huge.  I took that to mean that I love deeply, fully, utterly. You are not the first person to tell me something similar. But you are the last person thus far. That gives you the distinction of being special to me in my book. Loving huge, I guess can be construed as good and bad, depending on your outlook. I cannot give up love, or love any less than I do. Love is the only thing I know to truly be real. Everything else in the universe passes away, but love always remains.

Every last one of you who has touched my life and I allowed to enter me, all you who are still living and you who are dead, I have never stopped loving you, never forgotten the depth to which I adored your very being.  I am struggling my loves, I have come to a crossroads in life. The grief is beyond measure, the loss so much more than I ever thought it would be. I have known this day was coming for ages, and yet, I find myself unprepared emotionally for it all.

I am getting small, backing away and hiding from you all.  I cannot bear this alone, and yet I cannot face you all with the reality of how I am reacting to this loss. I had this fantasy that I would pass this loss with dignity and grace. Instead feel the fool.  I am grieving because there are still things I wanted to experience, and yet, they were only things of the physical. Of what use are they to me in the grand scheme of the universe? None. They were of this world, of this physical time and space.

I am not ready to let go, I am holding on to a dead corpse.  Youth, youth, stupid and foolish youth. Arrogant youth. Why do they not teach you these lessons in school? These are the lessons I want to teach my children. Do not be deceived by strength and youthful vigor my children. So soon, too soon, before you turn around again they will be gone. Strength, energy, vitality, physical power, beauty, youth, all gone, left behind by this physical time and spacewe know as our existence here on this earth, in this physical form.

Youth, gone. Beauty, lost. Sexual power a distant memory. I will no longer fight this loss. I am a fool to attempt it. There is no stopping the loss of all you thought was the reality of your being. Time to seek out a new reality, free of the lies. Time to make a new path. Time to find another way of being, of relating.

Now it is time to rest my body and aching soul. I wish I remembered my dreams. I wish that one last time I could dream of days gone by, of power and beauty and strength. My power and beauty and strength. One last time. One more dance, one more,  just one more and then I swear, I will go silently into that good night.