One of the things I realized last night was that I really don't have anyone to talk with about what goes on in my head and heart.
I don't want or need a therapist. I just need someone I know loves me to let me talk and not judge me. I realized that as has always been the course of my life, I have left myself with no one to be my support when I need a shoulder. This is truly the patter of my life. I appear so strong to others when in reality I am such a soft and tender hearted being.
Because I am capable of being strong in adverse situations and because I can think with a clear head in a crisis and because I am capable of making decisions when swift judgement is needed does not make me invulnerable.
I am actually extremely tenderhearted. I ache right now in that way that all of us in the human experience have known. It's something very hard to put into words, yet we all know it, some of us better than others.
I tend to discount my feelings as not nearly as valid or important as the feelings of others. I tend to keep everything to myself. Ocassionally I may sahre, but never on a level that I feel conveys the depth of my feeling. Like most people, I dare not share from that depth as the rejection of those feelings by an unthinking person would only compound the problem.
And so, like the rest of us suppossedly strong fortresses of humanity, I keep it to myself and deal with it myself. In the mean time, the depression I feel is almost beyond my own abilities to fix. In these times I crawl further within as it is at these times I am most vulnerable. You would think I was a Cancer the way I react.
OK, Bill is here and I must get to work desconstructing the inards of the black van.
Come what may.....
2 comments:
My dearest J,
The depth of your emotions and feelings has always been something i have seen hidden underneath a strong barrier of strength to protect the tender spirit kept hidden safe inside of you. It is one of the aspects of you that i have always loved and thought was so amazing. The depth of your intelligence, the love you shower on those around you, the patience you give to those in your life to help them through their own problems, and the unconditional understand you have so graciously given to those who are important in your life. Know that if you ever truely need to just vent and talk i am here for you. I value your friendship more than you may ever know. I look forward to seeing and talking to you every night, and miss when we do not do so.
Love,
Moonie
Dearest grrrl.
I'll live, I always manage to fix it all in the long run anyway. Maybe this is the PMS I never suffered from in my pre-menopausal days. Lucky me to get all emotional in my old age. <grin> Then on the other hand, there is that pain of unrequited love that never seems to ever go away no matter what you do. Could be that too. Come what may....
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