Come what may

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night in a cold clammy sweat with your heart aching from a heart break you can never seem to heal from?

The cold clammy sweat is most likely the product of menopause. These cold clammy sweats have been happening with a vengence the last 3 weeks or so. I truly thought I was going to be spared this in my old age, but noooo... fat chance.

The heart ache? Well, it's from this loneliness I feel inside. I realized as I lay there that I was alone. No one to turn to to hold me, no one to rock me to sleep as I lay craddled in their arms or vice versa. No one to watch as they sleep as I fell back to sleep. Just me and Oliver the Jack Russell.  What I realized at that moment was that I would spend my days until the end of them alone like this in my bed. The finality of that tore into my heart in a way it hasn't in a long time.  I realized I was lonely. So lonely. My heart just broke at the thought of it. No one to love me, no one to hold me, just alone, until the end of my days.

Now don't get me wrong here, I like my space, I like having my alone time. Somehow this hit me though that one of the things I love, that comforts me is having someone by my side when I sleep. I don't have that and I never will again. For some reason that slammed me hard tonight, right in the heart. I realized that I miss cuddling with someone I love very much....

Come what may, I will love you until my dying day....